Do you miss the DRAMA?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It might sound silly, I have been feeling the void more probably because my exbf's DRAMA (his unhealthy behavior/reactions) just stopped completely all of a sudden!

After he broke up with me 5 months ago, he applied NC almost immediately. Although i continued my desperate attempts to convince him - he was simply angry, harsh and cold. All the DRAMA i put up with for 6 months during the 'devaluation phase' had come to an abrupt end.

The result- anxiety attacks, restlessness, anger and depression. Did you feel the same? If you did, why do we miss the 'morbidity' when we should be HAPPY it's all over ?

[stop2think]

It might sound silly, I have been feeling the void more probably because my exbf's DRAMA (his unhealthy behavior/reactions) just stopped completely all of a sudden!

After he broke up with me 5 months ago, he applied NC almost immediately. Although i continued my desperate attempts to convince him - he was simply angry, harsh and cold. All the DRAMA i put up with for 6 months during the 'devaluation phase' had come to an abrupt end.

The result- anxiety attacks, restlessness, anger and depression. Did you feel the same? If you did, why do we miss the 'morbidity' when we should be HAPPY it's all over ?

[Octoberfest]

No, I do not.  I don't miss constantly looking over her shoulder.  Constantly worrying who she is texting or what she is hiding.  Worrying that she is cheating again.

I miss the nights.  I miss ending a day of school and homework and whatever else and putting a movie on netflix, crawling into bed with her and holding her as we fell asleep.  I miss what went on between us behind the closed door, when the rest of the world could not get to us.  That is what I miss.  That was the relationship and the her that I loved.

[danley]

Don't miss the drama at all. But I do miss the person tho. I miss the laughter, talks, time spent together, the closeness, and all the good stuff. But NOT the drama.

I don't think you miss the morbidity. I think you plainly miss your ex. Even if it's bad stuff, you miss the presence of your ex and the good sides of the relationship.

[MarcinN7]

i only miss the times that were peacefull when whe would be nice to each other, spend time together no arguments and she would mirror the hell out of me... . heh... . because it was either that or drama

[MammaMia]

Yes, you miss the really good times, but during them were you not just waiting for the other shoe to drop and the walls come tumbling down?

When a BPD relationship is over, it can be dangerous to dwell on the positives while ignoring the negatives.  This is how nons get sucked back into unhealthy

unions.  With abrupt departures (common with BPD) there is a lack of closure and a tendency to romanticize a toxic relationship.

To help avoid this, it is important to remember the sadness and heartache inflicted by exes wBPD.   This pain can be an excellent learning tool to keep you safer in future relationships.  Take your time.  Heal.

Grieve but don't allow yourself to become isolated.  Balance is key.  Spend time with people who make you feel good. Do things that make you happy. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.  Remember that you have choices.

Life WILL go on.  Life WILL get better.  Tomorrow is a new day... .

[goldylamont]

hells to the no i don't miss the drama! 

[stop2think]

I do not know if something is wrong with?

I always carried this fear in me, walking on egg shells while with him in person - if my words or actions would be judged by him, would it piss him off or cause another arguement. I was very carefree/myself when he was not around, as it was LDR - but i did miss him.

Now when he is gone and it's all over - even after 5 months why i am still connected to the past?

[delusionalxox]

Stop2think you're not alone actually.

Perhaps for most people on the board the good times were the thing they  missed most and if I'd had many good times with my ex, maybe I would have too... . but frankly, on the whole no good time with him lasted longer than 2 hours. There would always after that be some snap, sulk, or (most often and annoyingly) inability to take the fact that I wanted a bit of space or not to listen to his monologues.

But I kept going back to him. And yes I think in a way I do miss the drama. It enabled me to act out something... . I'm not sure what exactly... . some turmoil within myself. It also enabled me to keep forgiving, which I think I valued highly in myself. I think I also thought that the long struggle ex and I had had MEANT SOMETHING somehow. That we were troubled soulmates.

What an idiot.

He always stalked me before, when we split. And I miss that. The constant anguished calls and angry texts and emails. Because it meant there was still hope that our 'love' (which I now know so well was fake) might work out one day.

I have to work out in myself, what it was that bound me to this fake love. Sex wasn't enough to do it. We didn't even see eachother that often (like yours it was an LDR).

I think perhaps you and I felt in a sense that the abuse did something for us. Made us feel 'at home'. I had an abusive, BPD/NPD mother who demanded total allegiance and threw tantrums and hysterical fits all the time just like ex. I guess somehow I fused my very damaged love for her, with the weird bond I felt for him.

[stop2think]

Stop2think you're not alone actually.

Perhaps for most people on the board the good times were the thing they  missed most and if I'd had many good times with my ex, maybe I would have too... . but frankly, on the whole no good time with him lasted longer than 2 hours. There would always after that be some snap, sulk, or (most often and annoyingly) inability to take the fact that I wanted a bit of space or not to listen to his monologues.

But I kept going back to him. And yes I think in a way I do miss the drama. It enabled me to act out something... . I'm not sure what exactly... . some turmoil within myself. It also enabled me to keep forgiving, which I think I valued highly in myself. I think I also thought that the long struggle ex and I had had MEANT SOMETHING somehow. That we were troubled soulmates.

What an idiot.

He always stalked me before, when we split. And I miss that. The constant anguished calls and angry texts and emails. Because it meant there was still hope that our 'love' (which I now know so well was fake) might work out one day.

I have to work out in myself, what it was that bound me to this fake love. Sex wasn't enough to do it. We didn't even see eachother that often (like yours it was an LDR).

So true, i feel the same!

Perhaps those angry messages, calls, the controlling, the insecurity and jealousy made me feel like HE FELT something strong for me. That he really loved me.

I felt like we were meant to be afterall. Everytime i visited him, i was more confused about his behavior. Big talks of 'resolving issues' and 'feelings for eachother' but no follow up in actions. He always for this 'stern' or 'serious' expression when he was with me. The good times together never lasted more than couple of hours when alone together. He would be excited to take me to his friends but when we returned home it was different. We either had an arguement or remained silent doing our own thing when we were together in person. He always expected me to talk, to be myself - like he saw when I was with my friends.

[delusionalxox]

I think most of all I miss the feeling of importance. That he cared enough to want to fix what to anyone except me was clearly unfixable.

He had done so many awful things and I was slipping further and further into depression as the relationship carried on... . but he wanted me, I mattered to him.

What he actually wanted is now mysterious to me. He downgraded me to shag buddy when I bought a house. I think maybe to him a sign that his fantasy world in which he could do whatever he wanted and I would provide a financial safety net and future for him was over. He would have had to invest personally in that future and he lives in a narcissistic dreamworld. It wasn't possible for him to reconcile that.

The feeling I got when he ditched me was of being erased. His promises of friendship were fake... . designed to make himself feel like a good person. He is not.

[xenia]

Don't miss the drama at all. But I do miss the person tho.

I miss what I now know is the idealization phase. After that, I was caught in a cycle of trying to predict unpredictable behavior; to make sure I did the "right" things so that I didn't set my friend off. As you know, it's a losing battle. I don't like drama, and I don't think I secretly got a thrill from it. I just hadn't met any new friends in so long, and this person made me believe I was like a sister to her, so I was going to do m best to keep her in my life.

[papawapa]

I miss her period. The good the bad and the ugly.

[charred]

I miss the insane attention... . but not the drama and toxic r/s.

Struggled with what made the r/s with a pwBPD so different from a normal r/s, and concluded it was a couple different things; The pwBPD in all stages... . paid attention to you. They ignored boundaries, and even made our fantasies real for a moment.

At first it was to mirror and gain rapport and pull you in... . but they listened, they seemed to care and we craved that feeling that we were important. When they were clingy, it was a bit irritating, but it also made it seem like we really mattered to them. When they split us, painted us black, etc... . STILL it was clear we were central on their mind, they listened to every word with rapt attention (often to turn them on us)... . but the attention was on us, think we were important to them.

Many of us have complained about pwBPD ignoring boundaries... . in my case I had a wall that kept people at a distance, worked for everyone except my pwBPD... . who ignored it and gave the illusion of being my soul mate for a time. When most people keep their distance from you, you get really lonely for intimacy, and having someone disregard distancing to be with you because you matter SO much... . just ate it up.

The needy karpman drama triangle type feelings were intense and seemed like love, and having this attractive, intense, dramatic person acting out sex fantasies is about the most fun you can have... . and that is what everyone seems to miss. The fantasy in our mind of what we had. (Which is what it was... . a fantasy)... . and drama played in to it. For drama you need stagemanship, planning, actors, and fantasy, and pwBPD can be very adept actors, can push/pull and manipulate you in to situations that are like an adrenaline rush... . often bad, but intense. After a while you are left with PTSD and a broken feeling inside and doubt about everything you thought you knew... . but it really is dramatic.

I spent a decade pining for my pwBPD... . and some 25 yrs or so after she dumped me without explanation I got her back and was intent on making it work this time... . we recycled about 7 times... . and we both still have strong feelings, but I ended it and miss the attention and intensity of the relationship... . but not the horrors of it. I lost a career, a business, a job, and a marriage due to the r/s with my pwBPD... . my self esteem took a hit it never recovered from and nothing good came from the r/s.

We all want them back... . only with changes... . only the good part, not the bad, the idealizer of us, not the hater. And we are devastated to even suspect that we didn't really matter a great deal to them like they did to us... . but it was so dramatic, and we know they are great actors... . yet we don't want to accept that it largely WAS acting.

Real love and intimacy takes a lot of time, it comes from building trust, from shared experiences and proof in the world over time that the person has integrity, that they have values we cherish, goals in common with us and would be a mate we could be proud to be with, have offspring with and be proud to grow old with and revel in. None of that matches an r/s with a pwBPD... . zilch, zero, phooey. When we abandon reality and step in to believing their world of make believe, we get burned bad. The signs are all there, but we ignore them... . the r/s moves too fast, they seem too good to be true, they isolate us from everyone and become all consuming of our time and attention, they like everything we do and seem perfect, we notice   , but ignore them, and start fantasizing about a perfect future with the perfect person... . but we get dumped or a toxic r/s that is a new level of hell.

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .  then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.

[delusionalxox]

'The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion. '

I think you have hit a nail on the head there, charred.



'Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .  then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.'

Thinking of the ex as a 'flaky actor' makes me laugh :D Thing is he was acting also to himself. He really believed in his big eternal love, his incredible devotion etc and that's why he recycled so many times.

I see him now less as an actor but more of a little boy. Or even girl- you know how little girls have those intense and interchangeable 'best friendships', which are suddenly broken and she's straight onto acting out the same thing with the next one?

My school was like that anyway :D You're right, it's a reenactment of parental love and devotion - or the seeking of it from another.

I was actually prepared to provide that to ex, to a certain extent. He was not willing to accept friendship for life though. It had to be total devotion in terms of being able to get control of me, make me do what he wanted.

[winston72]

Yes, Charred you are spot on with your summary. 

I have been reflecting on the ways that I was an "actor" also, because I was caught up in the idealization and pursuit of that feeling of ultimate connection and acceptance... . that sense of finding "home."

And Servalan, your comment, "It had to be total devotion in terms of being able to get control of me, make me do what he wanted." really stirs something in me.  Part of the demand from my SO was All or Nothing within the relationship... . and I could not get comfortable with what she meant by all.  For her it was marriage, but it was something much more immediate and specific... . it was control.  In my case, I think she felt that if she define our relationship and define and control me, than she would feel safe and her anxiety would go away.

[winston72]

... . and, of course, I was actively seeking ways to allow her to control me!  That sounds a bit extreme, but I did want to be the "right person" for her, the one to enable her to feel safe and I sought to do whatever I could to accomplish that.  I did not understand it to be ceding control of myself, and much of my behavior was quite routine... . but there was always an underlying tension and demand that it was not quite enough and I was not quite "getting it right" for her. 

[Free One]

I don't miss the drama, but I think there is definitely an adjustment period after being away from it. It's like you were addicted to the drama, and the ups and downs, and now you are struggling to find balance again. BUT, once you find an even keel it is soo much nicer!

[Annie D]

Well said... .

I miss the insane attention... . but not the drama and toxic r/s.

Struggled with what made the r/s with a pwBPD so different from a normal r/s, and concluded it was a couple different things; The pwBPD in all stages... . paid attention to you. They ignored boundaries, and even made our fantasies real for a moment.

At first it was to mirror and gain rapport and pull you in... . but they listened, they seemed to care and we craved that feeling that we were important. When they were clingy, it was a bit irritating, but it also made it seem like we really mattered to them. When they split us, painted us black, etc... . STILL it was clear we were central on their mind, they listened to every word with rapt attention (often to turn them on us)... . but the attention was on us, think we were important to them.

Many of us have complained about pwBPD ignoring boundaries... . in my case I had a wall that kept people at a distance, worked for everyone except my pwBPD... . who ignored it and gave the illusion of being my soul mate for a time. When most people keep their distance from you, you get really lonely for intimacy, and having someone disregard distancing to be with you because you matter SO much... . just ate it up.

The needy karpman drama triangle type feelings were intense and seemed like love, and having this attractive, intense, dramatic person acting out sex fantasies is about the most fun you can have... . and that is what everyone seems to miss. The fantasy in our mind of what we had. (Which is what it was... . a fantasy)... . and drama played in to it. For drama you need stagemanship, planning, actors, and fantasy, and pwBPD can be very adept actors, can push/pull and manipulate you in to situations that are like an adrenaline rush... . often bad, but intense. After a while you are left with PTSD and a broken feeling inside and doubt about everything you thought you knew... . but it really is dramatic.

I spent a decade pining for my pwBPD... . and some 25 yrs or so after she dumped me without explanation I got her back and was intent on making it work this time... . we recycled about 7 times... . and we both still have strong feelings, but I ended it and miss the attention and intensity of the relationship... . but not the horrors of it. I lost a career, a business, a job, and a marriage due to the r/s with my pwBPD... . my self esteem took a hit it never recovered from and nothing good came from the r/s.

We all want them back... . only with changes... . only the good part, not the bad, the idealizer of us, not the hater. And we are devastated to even suspect that we didn't really matter a great deal to them like they did to us... . but it was so dramatic, and we know they are great actors... . yet we don't want to accept that it largely WAS acting.

Real love and intimacy takes a lot of time, it comes from building trust, from shared experiences and proof in the world over time that the person has integrity, that they have values we cherish, goals in common with us and would be a mate we could be proud to be with, have offspring with and be proud to grow old with and revel in. None of that matches an r/s with a pwBPD... . zilch, zero, phooey. When we abandon reality and step in to believing their world of make believe, we get burned bad. The signs are all there, but we ignore them... . the r/s moves too fast, they seem too good to be true, they isolate us from everyone and become all consuming of our time and attention, they like everything we do and seem perfect, we notice   , but ignore them, and start fantasizing about a perfect future with the perfect person... . but we get dumped or a toxic r/s that is a new level of hell.

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .  then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.

[KellyO]

Like hell I would miss the drama! It was horrible. I rather marry a 70 years old in a wheelchair.

Actually I'm bit worried that I can't ever date again. My first question would be: do you have a Facebook-account? And if answer would be yes, I would walk away. I'm that tired of it.

To be serious, I don't ever want to be in situation where I seek online-datesites and Google and whatever to find out what the heck is going on. Or even worse: read other persons e-mails. I could never imagine myself doing it, yet there I was doing it.  The feeling of it... . it is so horrible. I rather be alone rest of my life. At least it is drama-free, safe and peaceful existence.

[delusionalxox]

Winston- yes, of course, we could never get it right because they are seeking the instant fix of mirroring and idealisation which cannot be maintained. Ex also clearly wanted me to make him feel safe. I was downgraded when I apparently 'excluded' him from my life by trying to buy a house in the country he had already left and had no real plans to return to.

But in order to create a sort of 'set' for him to return to if he wanted, I think I was supposed to provide the right house... . or be available to do so later. Either way that was the beginning of the end.

It was evidence to him that he had lost control, and despite the promises of eternal friendship (a lie to himself) he didn't want me unless I was doing things for him. If it wasn't sex it had to be providing, even though that was never enough either.

The time we lived together the longest, and I was being most generous with him, he frightened me by amping up his demands further and further. He wanted a computer for Christmas worth 2k... . he wanted me to rent a house in London with studio space for him (he did not work and had no money at all to contribute... . just enough to pay his own minimal expenses while living primarily off either me, his parents or sister). It would never have ended.

That drama I don't miss at all. Nor do I miss having to lock myself in the bathroom or self harm to escape his screaming and yelling through doors and in my face. His hitting walls and slamming doors so hard the house shook. Ugh. 

[pari]

 With the bad drama, the good ones are also gone. Extra attention, doing special things for me, singing songs, sweet compliments, signs of affection, comfort of an embrace, all of that is gone. Goash! I am getting emotional thinking about all of that. It was really good. Darn I miss those moments.

Sometimes I am sad that he is not around but I don't want to get back to him. I am quite certain of that. So I thank him and thank God for sharing those moments with me, for the unconditional love, for making my fantasies come true.

I miss the insane attention... . but not the drama and toxic r/s.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Very well said Charred. It's a beautiful post. I think this is the core of BPD r/s and why nons suffer so much. Everything indeed seem so perfect with him. He created a world for me that I wanted to be in because he wanted me to be happy.

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... .

This again is another important point. Towards end of the r/s I did feel like parent to him, that I have to take care of him, give him love and attention. We had no boundaries between us. We wanted nothing between us but love, simple and pure love. Probably that' what (loss of sense of self) destroyed us.

... . and, of course, I was actively seeking ways to allow her to control me!  That sounds a bit extreme, but I did want to be the "right person" for her, the one to enable her to feel safe and I sought to do whatever I could to accomplish that.  I did not understand it to be ceding control of myself, and much of my behavior was quite routine... . but there was always an underlying tension and demand that it was not quite enough and I was not quite "getting it right" for her. 

You speak my mind winston. Yes I did everything I could and I gave him all the control because I wanted to be the 'right person' for him. So much so that I lost control over myself and started acting crazy and confused. And everything fell apart. My friends warned me but I was so blinded in love and the illusion.

[morningagain]

No.  Not one bit.

During a brief reconcile attempt, the drama came flooding in from day one.  Lots of drama.  Multiple ongoing events.  I found myself looking around and thinking "What the hell?"

What I can say is the drama was familiar.  Comfortable?  No.  Pleasant?  No.  Familiar?  All too much so... .

I did realize that I have to relearn no-drama, low-drama living.  I have been feeling awful out-of-place when I have boring, drama free days.  Fascinating how these are the days I have the compulsion to contact her.  I actually need to rewire my brain through modifying my behaviors, and to seek out pleasant experiences that are likely to be drama-free.  And I have to force myself because of depression and I am so used to gathering energy during brief periods of peace so that I could react to the next crisis.

However, when I have had pleasant and drama free days, I have mixed emotions.  Wishing that she could participate, and also recoiling from the thought of contacting her (knowing that pleasant AND drama free just didn't happen while we were together).

Drama? 

I will seek peace.   

[Billa]

I do not know if something is wrong with?

I always carried this fear in me, walking on egg shells while with him in person - if my words or actions would be judged by him, would it piss him off or cause another arguement. I was very carefree/myself when he was not around, as it was LDR - but i did miss him.

Now when he is gone and it's all over - even after 5 months why i am still connected to the past?

I think we could put it in another way: we don't miss the drama, but we were so accustomed to it that, when it disappeared with them, we couldn't believe it. Perhaps this applies more to cases such as yours and mine, in which our exes established NC with us. We were accustomed to see them coming back, every single time after a break-up, and we expected the last to be exactly the same as the other... . but it wasn't. I e-mailed him after five days, I hoped to find a way to come back together, but he was very cruel to me in that occasion, he was really angry because I dared to leave him (I think he is convinced no one has the right to do it, he is the only one who can decide to go... . ) and told me horrible things. I was utterly shocked. Then I texted him after two months, no answer. I already know it was highly probable he didn't, but it was painful. So, yes, in some way, after the split, I missed the drama, because I was stil expecting it to arise, as it ever had. It didn't, because our r/s was beginning to cause too much effort for him, as I didn't accept to keep silent while he was cheating on me, pretending I believed what he wanted me to believe, to let him freely enjoy his renewed idealization phase of her recycled exGf, while at the same time he was humiliating and despising me, every day more painfully. Too much effort for him, he had a new supply. stop of the drama.

[simplyasiam]

i dont miss the drama, i miss the things i tricked myself into thinking were real. i miss having the kids around they were real and really loved me as i loved them. i may not be the best thing to do but im having to block the kids out to be able to keep going.

i know im still sick in the head from this dont know when or how it will ever end, but im going to make. it makes me ill to think of all i have put with and how ez she walked away from me our home and our plans for life.

i was so use to the drama i had to make some of my own, i let my bills get behind my work suffered. i really let life go to hell for a few weeks. im geting thing fixed a little at a time... . maybe thats what taking care of myself means? not really sure yet.

when i think i miss her drama i let myself think a little about how she cheated lyed removed me from my family, if i miss that then i need more help then im geting at this point!

i know we all have dreams of them coming back and us telling them NO, not again not the same old thing. even if they came back we may not strong or just give in for no reason then POW we are headed back here with a broken heart again. best thing that could happen is that we never see them again. we are like a soad can to them. they use us for what they need and they trash us knowing we be recycled and they can get a little more use out of use. each time we are a little less use full and a little drifferent. at some point they can see nothing of us that is of use so they get a new can.

[MessedWith]

Charred - wow! thanks for your insightful post, that sheds some light on myself.

I too had a wall up to keep people at a distance, and she was the only person ever to ignore it and step right on over that barrier and sweep me up into soulmate fantasy land of high drama, crazymaking, pain and pleasure.

15 months out, no contact, still obsessing.  I did miss the drama while I was grieving the loss of the person I thought she was, and the love I thought we shared.  But when I moved from debilitating grief into the anger phase, my view of her changed, and I no longer missed the drama but instead became grateful that it was over.

My wall is back up, which I'm not happy about.  I need to figure myself out and grow from the experience, because I want to become a more open, authentic person who is able to maintain healthy boundaries and create stable, healthy relationships.  No more fantasy land for me thanks!

One of the few things I'm grateful to her for is that breaking through my barrier, and opening me up another possibility. Yes it would have been nicer if a healthy person had done that for me, without the excruciating pain involved later, but perhaps it was the only way I could be woken up.  Oh God how she'd love to hear me admit that! She'd be on a self-righteous high for days.

[Numbers]

This thread is incredibly insightful to me.

I am another one that had a wall around me. Its function was to keep my insecurities from meeting other peoples' judgement. I was e.g. quite unable to hold relaxed conversations with random people. Then she came over and tore right through it. Of course, my soft core was unable to handle incredible amount of drama and hurt being constantly thrown at it.

What I miss is not drama but someone to interact with my inner self and not with the wall. She was unique in that respect and in effect my only source of true (sadly one-sided) intimacy.

However, today I know without a trace of doubt that I am not the horrible person she so vividly painted me. Quite the contrary. And this in turn means that wall has no function anymore and has to come down. I am a good guy and I am trying hard to let more people experience this.