Suspect Baby Sister Has BPD And Want To Help

[TwoSisters]

Greetings to all,

   About 6 1/2 years ago my youngest sister abruptly announced to her family through a form email letter that she realized her obvious absence of communication from her family was not something she would tolerate herself, though she hoped we would be patient and understanding while she sorted some things out and that she would soon be back in contact... . we're still waiting.  Over a reasonable amount of time we attempted to email, call, communicate through her husband, physically go to her home and communicate messages through mutual extended family our desire to include her as part of our family.  (Many have questioned whether we thought her husband may have had something to do with her absence, though knowing him as a big family man, we strongly doubted that.  

However, her now ex-husband does suffer from several emotional and chronic personality disorders of his own, and he is being medically and therapeutically treated for them.)  Shortly before she defected from the family, we had celebrated Christmas at her home as we had done several years before that at her request.  There was no animosity or dissension at the celebration and everyone had a wonderful time.  My son and her two daughters enjoyed opening their presents and she presented a lovely gourmet dinner that we all praised and thanked her for as we finished out the evening.  In other words, there was nothing that caused her abrupt departure that any of us could think of.  For years we've scratched our collective heads and pondered and guessed and speculated as to what could possibly have gone wrong.  For a time she allowed brief interactions with our mother, though that relationship was cut short when Mom said something that offended her.  Our father had been diagnosed with dementia and had been hospitalized with pneumonia and before the situation escalated, since the rest of us were working and she was a stay at home mom (her youngest in kindergarten) we contacted her to ask if he could stay with her for a short time to convalesce.  She gave varied valid and questionable reasons why she couldn't do it, and after that there was zero communication.  

Four years went by and our father passed away with absolutely NO acknowledgement from my sister, (I'm thankful our father had no presence of mind to notice her absence).  Recently, the third sister in the line up had been talking to one of her female clients who was well aware of the situation and had related to my sister that she too has a complicated sister that has caused a lot of pain for her family as a whole.  The client told my sister about a book she was reading called (I think) "Walking On Eggshells" and she lent it to my sister to read.  She said the book was about BPD and she went into a little bit of an explanation about it.  Immediately I got on the internet and did some research and a million memories came flooding in.  The first place my thoughts went to were when she was a baby... . I am eleven years older than she is, so I was like a second mother to her while she was very young and I remember a lot about her.  I remember vividly how "different" I thought she was as a baby, and how impressed I was by that.  I remember actually saying out loud to someone that "she cries at the drop of a hat, and she laughs at the drop of a hat".  

I remember being able to "read" her effortlessly just by the rapid emotional changes in her from moment to moment, though I was too young to realize there was a word for that, meaning sensitive.  And I didn't realize at the time that she was extremely sensitive, I just thought she was more tuned in and aware than other babies.  Fast forward a few years and I remember us all being perplexed that she started to lie about the most ridiculous little things.  They made no sense... . and when my mom said she remembered doing the same thing as a child, we all just sort of blew it off as a phase.  By that time the two oldest sisters were in high school, the third was in middle school and the baby was in elementary school.  We had just made a major move to another state and we were all dealing with our own adjustments at this colossal upheaval in all our lives.  At the same time our folks were starting to increasingly argue and fight, which eventually lead to a divorce when my youngest sister was about fifteen years old.  

With so much going on, as I look at it in hindsight, I'm afraid there wasn't much time or even concern for an extremely sensitive little elementary school aged girl.  By the time our folks finally divorced the three older sisters were out of the house and that left the baby sister to live alone with our mother.  They began to have tremendous fights and arguments to the point that our mother actually consented to allowing her to move out with her boyfriend, to a house they shared with two of his friends!  Many, many years later we found out that when she was twelve she was slipping out of the house after everyone went to bed, and that she had her first boyfriend at the time and we found out she was already having sex with him at about thirteen years old... . all of this BEFORE our dad left the house.  

If anything, our parents were over protective with us, which is why it is so hard to believe so much was going on with her that none of us suspected.  She started smoking pot and drinking and had countless sexual partners that led to multiple abortions over the years... . though by this time she was an adult and she would hear nothing of what her family had to say.  Actually, she was always that way... . very, VERY strong willed.  With so much of this behavior I had to ask her one day if anything bad had ever happened to her... . was she sexually abused by someone.  She said no.  And over time I asked her that repeatedly, and she'd adamantly say no.  

She now has a 15 year old daughter out of wedlock and a 10 year old daughter from her ex-husband.  Her ex-husband adopted her oldest daughter, so they are both legally his.  

Our constant worry and pain comes from being cut off from those two little girls... . we fear for them.  We know their mother has a serious problem and that she has emotionally attached herself to them in a very unhealthy way.  Her oldest daughter is more like her best friend and she micro manages every move she makes.  She's kept her home from school just so she can hang out with her, (that happened many times before she cut us off), and her youngest one has expressed fear of leaving her mother alone while she goes to visit a friend for an overnight stay because she drinks herself into an oblivion to the point the kids never know what they'll find when they get up in the morning (that info came from the ex-husband).  

Another thing that became clear is her excessive criticism of other people, including her family.  She can be down right vicious in her unprovoked attacks.  And yes, I can see the splitting now.  She is very black or white in her assessments.  She's curt and venomous towards others, though it's literally like walking on eggshells to avoid hurting her feelings.

The bottom line is, now that I realize there is a very good possibility that she has a legitimate disorder and that she isn't just being a b***h, I have a lot more compassion for her and sincerely want to help her... . I just don't know where to start.

By the way, I think, if there is such a thing, I may have a milder version of the same disorder... . though as I have aged, the symptoms seem to have mostly dissipated.  

Please, someone share your thoughts, and any advice is welcomed.

Thank you.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi TwoSisters,

Welcome!   It sounds like you've been through a lot with your sister over the years, and I can see how you'd be baffled as to why she's been absent from your life for so long for no obvious reason. That has to be frustrating, but I'm glad that you're finding some comfort from finding out about BPD.

It's understandable that you'd be worried about your nieces. Have you heard from any of them recently? Would you consider reaching out to your sister to have a relationship with the kids?

What would you like to see happen from here?

There are many members here with relatives with BPD, and you'll find that you can relate to many others here. There's a wealth of information here about BPD and how to take care of yourself. I'd encourage you to learn all you can about BPD, which will help you with your sister.

Welcome again, and I look forward to seeing your future posts.

-GG

[TwoSisters]

Thank you so much for your reply GG-

    To answer your question, no there still has been no communication per my sister's choice.  As I stated in my letter, we as a family have made many attempts at a reunion with my sister to no avail, and yes it is very frustrating and hurtful.  We have also tried to invite her children to various family functions since this whole departure began and she will not allow them to be in our presence, even if she doesn't want to be present herself. 

     My purpose in becoming a member here is to seek out the advice of others on how to approach my sister in a productive way so she can begin to see that she may be suffering from a disorder that she can recover from. 

     One of my other sisters (I'll call her "J" believes that she (I'll call her "R" is comfortable in her disorder because if she gets well, she will then have to take responsibility for herself.  "J" thinks that "R" is using her disorder to not have to work, to not have to socialize with her family, and to not have to answer for her self destructive behavior.  My question is: isn't that behavior a part of the disorder?

     My quest is to help my sister if she indeed needs help because she may not be aware that she is living in seclusion and misery because she has a legitimate emotional disorder... . "R" doesn't think she has a disorder and that it's the people around her that have the problem... . isn't that a distinct BPD indicator?  I'm really just desperately looking for answers here because aside from the emotional turmoil my sister is going through, there are two young girls going through their own turmoil trying to deal with an emotionally defunct mother and their lives could wind up being destroyed because of it.   

     I will absolutely research the site to find answers through other people and their experiences.  And I am picking up on your validating affirmations (which I sense is the overall purpose of this site)... . this truly helps and assists me in checking myself for how I respond to my own son because as I stated in my letter, I have suspicions that I may have gone through, to a lesser degree, BPD myself... .   because of that, I see very clearly the distinct indicators in my sister.  The one indicator that I don't distinctively recall, at least in my early years, is the feeling of abandonment... . though I do recall that behavior in my late teens on through to more recently.   

    Thank you so much for your time.    

[ScarletOlive]

Hey TwoSisters,

Just wanted to jump in and extend a warm welcome to you. You're definitely not alone here. We understand the risky behaviors that go along with the disorder, too. It's clear that you're very compassionate, and want the best for your nieces. Glad you're here with us, and seeking support. We've got lots to offer. The workshops and articles are especially neat. Since you're looking for communication skills, I would highly recommend this article, which offers quite a few communication techniques that are quite effective: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

So, keep posting and sharing. I know you'll fit here. Sending you lots of caring and support.