Overwhelmed with low self-esteem

[Healing4Ever]

hello,

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with my own sense of low self-esteem, and I know there is probably lots of great info here but I'm struggling to zero in on where it might be - can anyone point me in the right direction?

I'm seeing how I *latched onto* my uBPDex very shortly after my ex-husband had an affair and left.  I was devastated to say the least by my ex-H's affair.  (I think I was also latched onto my ex-husband, but it was a more functional r/s in comparison to this last one).  Anyways - now that I've exited the BPD r/s - I'm going to have to figure out this need to latch onto someone to feel whole.  I feel quite battered around by my own self-negating thoughts concerning my r/s with other people - I take SOO much personally, and feel left out, abandoned, etc. when friends' behaviors do not match my expectations (which upon examination can be irrational - like include me in everything you do ). When I step back - I feel like a small child when it comes to understanding r/s.  (my mother has uBPD and did not model friendships or tolerance or anything healthy to do with r/s).   It's a negative mind-swirl, and one I would like to exit.  When in r/s with my uBPDex - there was so much distraction by the dysfunction that I could stay distracted from my own dysfunctional thought pattern to some extent.  Now it's all I'm left with.  Which if I was in a better mood is probably a really great thing.  But feeling lonely when I'm surrounded by people is so unsettling - I can't help but go to "what is wrong with me?".  All of this leads to confusion in my mind and then nothing seems like it can be figured out.  Any tips towards resources, mantras, simple ways to start to deal with this would be soo appreciated.  thanks  H4E

[morningagain]

Hey H4E,



Yeah, for me being a codep, I have this problem of not feeling whole without a woman.  Only it gets a bazillion times worse when I invite a disordered person into that vacuum.

The only way out is to become as much of a whole person, standing on my own, first.  Defining my values, and figuring out just how I am going to live by them on my own, and eventually with someone else later - that is to say figuring out what my boundaries are and how to enforce them.

Lots of baby steps seems to be what I need.  Here are a few:

Rigorous honesty - beginning with self (can be awful tough the deeper I go)

Unconditional love does not mean an unconditional relationship.

  Unconditional love [paired with] unrequited love & emotional abuse = severely dysfunctional relationship

True healing begins with the harsh acceptance of reality (Randi Kreger)

Understand the traits of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship(s):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182666.0

Detaching from the wounds helps (resources to the right on this page)

Hope some of this helps, Darlin'



Jason

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There! If you are NOT in therapy get yourself into it. I am very co-dependent and it is helping me greatly. If you already had low self esteem entering the BPD relationship (as I did) this darn near kills you in that department.

Try not to keep reviewing things in your head.  One book I really love is "Heal your Life" by Louise Hay. You really have to change your way of thinking.

My ex left me May 31st and she is with her old ex out of state this week (holed up in a cabin somewhere). I am a jealous person by nature so this is not easy but guess what? She does not want me. Your ex does not want you and that is OK. It's more than ok. Who wants to be in something where there is no love? I know you are lonely but you do not need that to feel love. Trust me, counceling, reading and surrounding yourself with good friends and loving family will help.

[xenia]

H4E you are not alone.

I met my suspected BPD friend when I was in a very lonely period. I felt disconnected from friends I'd known for years and it can be hard making friends as an adult, so I was pretty ripe for the picking. Feeling "lonely in a crowded room" is something many people feel. Are you an introvert, by any chance? I am an introvert, and social situations leave me drained. I much prefer one-on-one interactions--I find them more meaningful. I know I have self-esteem problems from being bullied as a pre-teen. I'm sure a lot of my problems can be traced to that point. It didn't help that my mother was not supportive. I was yelled at for being upset that my friends deserted me, and I was told to "just find new friends". When I got to high school I was so fearful of having everyone hate me (this is at a school where NOBODY knew me) that I shied away from making friends at all. I did not start making friends until my junior year, and even then it was only people who'd have me (meaning, they showed an interest in me--I didn't seek them out). I now see that since then, a lot of my friendships have been with people who I didn't necessarily have many things in common with but showed an interest in me. I took a passive approach to friendship instead of ACTIVELY seeking the company of like-minded people. All of this definitely ties into self-esteem issues (overall I am a pretty confident person. I don't need other people to make me feel whole, but I stumble when it comes to interpersonal relationships).

You'll find your way. Being aware is a HUGE step. Don't be too hard on yourself. 

[Healing4Ever]

True healing begins with the harsh acceptance of reality (Randi Kreger)

Understand the traits of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship(s):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182666.0

Thanks for all your insights, jason519.  I have been thinking a lot about accepting reality today, and it's been very helpful.  I also have been reading the traits of healthy r/s - and it is very eye-opening.  On top of all the htings I already have seen to be dysfunctional in our r/s - this showed me even more things.  All good reminders as to why I've left.

earthangel - I love Louise Hay as well- thank-you for the reminder.   I will pull it out again and put it by my bedside.  I have the illustrated version that i find very beautiful.

xenia - yes - I am an introvert!  Thank-you soo much for asking - because I do think that in accepting reality (like Jason519 posted), I really need to accept this part of myself and understand what it means.  I really do prefer one-on-one connections, and get exhausted talking to people for long periods of time.  I start to wish for quiet time/space.  If I truly understood this about myself, I think it would go a long way to settle the negative thinking.

Thanks everyone!

[jmanvo2015]

I'm very late replying to your post, but I recently posted about self esteem and when I didn't get many responses I searched on this site on that topic and found your post.

I also struggle with very low self esteem as the result of having a BPD mother and NPD father and stepfather.

I must admit that this year, finally, I've managed to improve my self esteem by using an app called I CAN BE CONFIDENT, which is very affirming and also by reading affirmations to myself each day.  As a result of these small changes, some of my friends and colleagues have begun to treat me better and to do more for me, rather than me always feeling like I'm the one doing everything in my relationships and then being so disappointed when nobody reciprocates, or seems to care or appreciate my friendship.

In the past four months, however, I connected with a BPD/NPD married man.  It was so elating at first!  He was soo into me and charming and I found myself happy for the first time in so long.  Although he tried to make it sexual, I rejected his attempt and made it clear we were just going to be friends.  I mentioned his wife as often as I could.  Suddenly, I began to notice that he was charming everyone - men, women - EVERYONE - to achieve his goals.  Then I started to notice how completely self-absorbed he is and how he didn't do anything to reciprocate for anyone, including me, that helped him get established (he had recently moved to our community).

When I confronted him about disappointing a fellow friend - an 88 year old widow who was really counting on him - he totally freaked out on me!  His emotional response was so disproportionate to what I had said, that I had an "ah-ha" moment.  Ah ha, I have found myself another BPD.  I have removed myself from this friendship - including blocking his text messages on my iPhone, but I must admit that I miss the excitement and fun he had brought into my life.  However, I am really working on my own self esteem and a friend that just takes, takes, takes and manipulates, manipulates, manipulates is not really a friend.

So, the app + affirmations are proving to be working 

[Narellan]

Hi Healing4ever. Your story reads like mine. I too had recently parted with my exh ( bipolar) after 21 years of marriage and was in a vulnerable place when I entered my BPD relationship. Many of my issues come from my caregiver personality coupled with the realisation I only see the good in people. And I have way too much empathy. My whole life reflects my personality. I like to help people and stand up for those in need. I have spent 30 years working with people with disabilities and homeless teenagers, I have been a family group home parent (foster mum) and worked with abused and orphaned teens often drug addicted. I'm not sure I can change my personality and I'm not sure I want to. I like who I am. But when it costs me my own health I need to take stock and evaluate.

I agree with the above posts and they have offered good advice. There are great resources on here, you can find links to the resource library at the top of each board. Reading and Therapy have helped me realise the personality I have, but not change it at this point. Have a browse through the resources and see if that helps. X