Elsegundo
Formerly Elsee
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 111
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« on: July 02, 2013, 10:55:59 AM » |
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Haven't posted in awhile. Checking in. Still read the boards, especially the workshops and 2010's posts.
Coming from an abusive house, I left in high school, stayed in school, put myself through college. Rock hard survivor, with no challenge left standing in my way. Free ride to grad school, found my way to "safety". Never learned to stop being a survivor and just thrive. Scratched taht surface a year ago, and since dBPDex, am digging down.
Been in schema therapy for the last few months. It's been tough, but I jumped in with a "ready, willing, and able" approach and I do see some changes in myself. I'm at a place where I am sifting through my life. I'm still a little sensitive, but for me, that's a good discomfort as I am ridding myself of an avoidant coping mechanism. Connecting to my feelings isn't easy, and I sometimes feel funny but I am celebrating the ahas as they come. I realize I spend so much time trying NOT to be like my overbearing, controlling, abusive, rage-aholic stepfather that when feelings came, I'd decided if it was "right or fair" have them. Now I know I can feel them, whatever they are, without thinking they are wrong, and move my decision-making to the action phase. I still need to remind myself of this. A lot. I've ever so nerdily and proudly made myself schema flashcards and reminders on my smartphone. That helps in the moment.
I've gotten rid of a couple of friends in the process. They have some great attributes, but negativity and intensity aren't working for me right now. I'm a little lonely, but know its part of the process. I'm trying to form new bonds with people who fit better.
I've also had big talks with my mother and father, and my Umood-traity sister. Confronted my mom about the abuse at home. She won't call it that, but my talk about what I needed to say and not so much about her response. I felt stronger again. Drew new boundaries with sister. It's not perfect, but its my imperfect process to have, and I have to say its actually going much better than I expected. I FINALLY understand boundaries. I'm re-deciding what works for me, which ends up re-teaching people "how to treat me", and re-teaching myself how to treat me too.
I still sometimes ruminate, or get stuck with sad feelings. Part of me still secretly mourns the loss of the partner I thought I had in the beginning of the r/s. I think now that's about me missing those things for myself, readjusting my needs, and hoping I find a partner that can meet my needs down the line. I think it's part of what has to happen to heal my core wounds. When I was at the end with BPDex, it felt like a brick wall had been struck down and a moat of feelings suddenly flooded my body. Now with much of the waters receding, it's easier to navigate. A few months back it felt like I'd NEVER get to a place of healing. I'm certainly not there yet, but I see the horizon now. It's bumpy and ugly and exposing and new, and I think it'll be the best gift I've ever given myself.
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