Going home for a visit... mental preparations

[Weird Fishes]

Hello, I'm wigging out about my family again.

I'm seeking a little advice on how to handle this situation.  I am going back to the house to pick up some stuff now that they've been forced to de-hoard.  The visit will be brief (just a day trip) and my bf will be there to give me support.

The big thing is my super-abusive uncle.   I will take exactly 0% of his crap, up to and including calling the cops if one off-color word is spoken to anyone in the house.

Not having my grandmother around defuses a lot of his behavior, but I've had 30 years of pretending he's not garbage and that time is over. 

So if I have to see him... . how do I act?  Stoic?  I don't want to intentionally stir up drama, but at the same time, I feel like even acknowledging his existence gives him more credit than he deserves. 

It makes me sick to even think about replying with a hi.  He doesn't deserve that much.

Working on not having any expectations.  I know no matter how low they are, they will be massively undercut.  Might be able to make it to an al-anon meeting before I go.  I've never been before (been avoiding it because of god stuff).

*frets endlessly*

[strangerinparadise]

Yikes! Is there someway you can let other family members know that you do not want to be around him? Or are they enabling his crap by ignoring it? I would just keep my distance from him and establish that you don't want any drama, just to be treated like a human.

Also, as an ex-binge drinker there are some non-religious programs that you might consider. Secular Organizations for Sobriety is one of them. That's up to you though, I don't want to be pushy.

Good luck with your family.

[isshebpd]

The big thing is my super-abusive uncle.   I will take exactly 0% of his crap, up to and including calling the cops if one off-color word is spoken to anyone in the house.

I'm stuck with this kind of problem too. You can make boundaries about how you are treated. Fine, absolutely. But how does this extend to how other people treat each other (assuming they are all fully functional adults)?

Personally I just about lost it recently when uNPDbro yelled at my uBPDmom to SHUT UP. She was actually trying to be helpful, but he was n-raging over a lost cellphone 

I guess the only real solution is to not be around a raging jerk at all. Maybe you can have your social visit in a public place (eg. restaurant) and choose who to invite. Then quickly go get the stuff afterwards.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey WeirdFishes,

How did it go? I know it can be hard dealing with family.   The whole question of how to act when we feel triggered, upset, and angry with people is really difficult. Something that can help is to remain mindful of what is going on around you. Like leaves falling in a stream, the thoughts that go through our heads and the words that we hear can fall softly into our consciousness and we can pick the ones we want to respond to. It allows us to utilize both our emotions and logical thoughts to respond adequately to whatever life throws at us! This article about "Wisemind" is really great: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

You can keep in mind that your uncle is not a safe person, that you are a worthy, good person, and that you deserve good treatment. If you hold yourself in that regard, it will come out in your demeanor. I know this post is probably too late for this family visit, but maybe it will help.

[Levi78]

The visit is probably over, but I'll pass this on anyway... .

When it comes to visits, I always like to have a "hard out." It's a made-up specific time I must leave by because of some other "pressing appointment." You can adjust this "hard out" to strategically serve your exit purposes.

I know this doesn't take away the unpleasantness of the visit but I always draw comfort from the fact that I have a planned exit. I just focus on that. 

[Weird Fishes]

Hiya,

wow!  I haven't been on bpdfamily.com for a while really.  Things have been busy and going relatively well?  Stuck to some CBT type stuff for a bit and it helped my anxiety.

So, I didn't actually go back.  My mother informed me the day before that she hadn't gotten very far and so we cancelled that weekend.  I may be going back soon but no date has been set.  WHEEEEWWWWWW. 

Thank you, Levi, Scarlet, issheBPD, and stranger for all your words of advice.  I will have a game plan when I go (set time to leave by, and I'll only be there for one day during the day).  Mindfulness is a thing I need to work on! I will refer back to this thread as the time draws near... .