Says one thing,does another... then blames me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am in a divorce that is by the day getting more hostile even if I don't talk to the ex. For instance I was out of state camping the past 5 days and she still started some drama (we have a preschooler) and then proceeded to blame me. Honestly it is outrageous. She has become almost increasingly obsessed with us have NO contact what so ever. Every single email to the lawyers or anything she clearly states she wants nothing to do with me at all, what so ever. No communication, doesn't want to see me, nothing. We have a child advocate/family specialist and she has been trying to get the ex to see that not only is this unreasonable for the long term it is not healthy for the kid. Everyone, even the ex's attorney agree's but the ex refuses or whatever to see it for the insanity that it is. Because she says that but then over the past 5 days while I was gone, the kid needed to go to the doctor and she emailed ME to take the kid because she was working. When I was unavailable, which is exactly what she would have done even if she was, she just decided not to take the kid to the doctor. My attorney is well aware.

I guess I am finding it hard to not get hurt when she says things like she never wants to see me, talk to me or have anything to do with me what so ever. Especially when she turns around and does this kind of crap. I am leaving her alone, she isn't leaving me alone but then blames me for having contact.

I forwarded all the emails to my lawyer, we are talking tomorrow about them. She seemed worried about the tone and language being used as these ones were a new level of hostile and she didn't even bother to hide her disdain and talking down to me. She is showing her true colors to others finally, which I suppose is good maybe?

I feel frustrated, kinda hurt that she can not even put her crap aside enough to parent and perplexed I suppose. This is pretty sick to me but then again I have never dealt with anyone with BPD before. Thoughts, suggestions, anything?

[thisyoungdad]

I am in a divorce that is by the day getting more hostile even if I don't talk to the ex. For instance I was out of state camping the past 5 days and she still started some drama (we have a preschooler) and then proceeded to blame me. Honestly it is outrageous. She has become almost increasingly obsessed with us have NO contact what so ever. Every single email to the lawyers or anything she clearly states she wants nothing to do with me at all, what so ever. No communication, doesn't want to see me, nothing. We have a child advocate/family specialist and she has been trying to get the ex to see that not only is this unreasonable for the long term it is not healthy for the kid. Everyone, even the ex's attorney agree's but the ex refuses or whatever to see it for the insanity that it is. Because she says that but then over the past 5 days while I was gone, the kid needed to go to the doctor and she emailed ME to take the kid because she was working. When I was unavailable, which is exactly what she would have done even if she was, she just decided not to take the kid to the doctor. My attorney is well aware.

I guess I am finding it hard to not get hurt when she says things like she never wants to see me, talk to me or have anything to do with me what so ever. Especially when she turns around and does this kind of crap. I am leaving her alone, she isn't leaving me alone but then blames me for having contact.

I forwarded all the emails to my lawyer, we are talking tomorrow about them. She seemed worried about the tone and language being used as these ones were a new level of hostile and she didn't even bother to hide her disdain and talking down to me. She is showing her true colors to others finally, which I suppose is good maybe?

I feel frustrated, kinda hurt that she can not even put her crap aside enough to parent and perplexed I suppose. This is pretty sick to me but then again I have never dealt with anyone with BPD before. Thoughts, suggestions, anything?

[MammaMia]

thisyoungdad

Welcome.  Glad you found the BPDF website.  We are here for you.

Yes, indeed, definitely sounds like your wife has BPD.  I am not sure how much you know about the disorder but there is so much useful information here.  Please take the time to review some of the videos, books, articles and workshops. I think you will find them helpful.

As you may know, BPD is a brain disorder.  The wiring in the brain is broken. It is fraught with distorted perspectives and many kinds of emotional dysregulation issues, rages, and bizarre thought processes.  It is devastating and it affects everyone who cares for the person afflicted with it.   Unfortunately, it is not something she can control... . it controls her.   There is no reasonable explanation for what is happening to you.  It is typical BPD.  

Perhaps your lawyer plans to contact your wife by mail to let her know he is aware of the inappropriate things she has been saying and doing.  In the meantime, let him/her handle things on your behalf.  

Will your wife's disorder factor into custody arrangements for your child?  I am very glad to hear you have some support in this regard and hope you have family and friends to help as well.

The most positive thing you can do is to take care of yourself.  You CAN control your behavior and thoughts and you also have a child to protect.  I do not know the details of your relationship or whether or not she has had treatment or therapy.  Please fill us in and we will do our best to help.  You are among friends here.  We all understand the heartbreak and frustration of BPD.  In the meantime, please take care.  We look forward to hearing from you.

[Validation78]

Hey Thisyoungdad!

My heart goes out to you since not only do you have to deal with a breakup, you have to deal with the additional complication of having a child involved. That means that you will always have to be in contact as opposed to some of us who can sever all ties.

My suggestion is to learn how better to communicate with her. There are many tools and communication skills talked about here on our site. If you go to the staying board, you will see a link to the right called lessons. Please take some time to read through everything and begin to practice some of those skills. They help for those who want to remain in their relationships, and since you will be doing so to some extent, they will help you as well.

She may want you to leave her alone now, and perhaps you can do so to some extent. If you limit your communication with her to the welling being of your child, and only that, it may be easier for the both of you. She will have to come to terms with having some communication with you, and in time, you will be better equipped to handle it. It does take work, however, you have the welfare of your child at stake, and if you can manage communications with her, in a manner that is productive, you and your child will be better for it!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[thisyoungdad]

Thanks. First, at this point in time she wants nothing to do with me and refuses all contact from me. Now she tries to contact me and I learned that if I respond that then I am the bad guy who won't leave her alone. So I plan to talk to my attorney today about what they think is the best way to respond or move forward. Thankfully the crazy email got sent to everyone so my attorney has seen it.

She has been in therapy for brief spurts in the past but nothing long term and I am positive nothing that is addressing these issues if she is going to see a therapist. Unfortunately she is a medical doctor and so there is such a stigma for getting any kind of help with anything, especially mental help. Sadly doctors have one of the higher suicide rates and I believe it is in large part to that. Anyway though so no she is not getting help now nor is she even thinking about it, she thinks that it is ME who is the problem. She is sadly unable to see the trail of wrecked relationships and that we have a child together so she can not completely get rid of me.

It is just painful as hell. I have gotten to accept that she has BPD but now to cope with that.