Possible body dysmorphic disorder

[Spaces]

Title says it all.  If she isn't body dysmorphic disorder than she just has the worst body image ever!  If you've read my other posts you know that she is outrageously beautiful and sexy.  12/10.  The women in media don't even compair.  But she thinks she's fat, she won't go outside unless she's spend an hour in front of the mirror, and if we're going somewhere 2 hours, easily.  The day of my father's funeral I ended up having to go to 5 different stores to find a specific colour of nylons, the justification was she was meeting my family and didn't want them to judge her for wearing normal colour nylons instead of black.  It wasn't until we were driving to the cemetery that she realized I had bigger things to deal with.  Normally I would have tried two stores... . Maybe three, and she would be going in the store, but I just wanted her to get ready and I didn't want to deal with a fight.  

ANYWAY (had to rant a bit, sorry)

At first I thought she was just being a over-sensitive, she does have a bit of bad skin because of her precious drug addiction, but its slowly correcting itself, and she's really good at makeup stuff (she tells me about makeup, but... . ... .  Yeah).  One time she was wearing so much makeup that I said "sweetheart, you're freakin out about going a little, hey?"

"OMG, how can you tell?" Her eyes get watery

"We don't have to go" and the relief was almost tangible.  Later I told her I could tell because of the makeup, to which she gave me one of her looks.

5hes about 5'7, 5'8 (I'm 6'4 and my chin can rest on her crown), I'm gonna guess she's about 130 - 135lbs.  She's really over sensitive about her teeth.  She HATES her hair.  She CONSTANTLY wears spanks (which I loath).  She even hates her toenails.  She wears makeup on her cleavage.  When we have a day off together and we spend the entire day with each other, we'll bum around.  She'll wear pajama bottoms (with her spanks of course, a tank top, but no makeup.  I'm afraid to tell her that I thinks she's prettier without the makeup.

I'm reading back on this and its a lot of ranting (sorry), and I don't see a question.  So I guess, IS there anything I can do?  And if so... .  What?  I tell her almost on a daily basis I think she's gorgeous, beautiful, etc.  Sometimes I'll even tell her she's hot and sexy and that she makes my brain turn off.  Its very frustrating.  

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[Rockylove]

   It is very frustrating indeed!  Unfortunately, I don't have any advise to give you other than radical acceptance.  It may be that she doesn't feel her inner beauty and is over-compensating with the external beauty or there may be some other reason, but it's not anything you have control over.  We are most often our own worst critic and to someone who's suffering from BPD, you can multiply the self-criticism ten fold!  There's a lot of self loathing to go along with the insecurities and it may just be her way of hiding her perceived flaws. 

The best you can do is to tell her that you love her without makeup and tell her exactly why.  My husband has only seen me in makeup once.  I was going for a job interview and felt the need to perk myself up (I really wanted to look a little bit younger) and it was very minimal~~just a bit of blush, mascara and lip gloss.  My husband was afraid to kiss me good luck for fear of messing it up!    I've not worn any since then (not even for our wedding). 

[mcc503764]

Hi Spaces -

This is a real situation and I experienced it with my x as well.  Mine had a history of eating disorders and was hospitalized for them in her early 20's, so that should tell you about her history of self-image issues.

I found that all you can do is reassure her, but even that will become exhausting because bottom line, if she doesn't feel it herself, then she will likely dismiss your efforts to compliment her.  You efforts will probably become an annoyance to her?

I think a lot of this PD revolves around self image problems.  The mentality that "I will judge my attractiveness on the # of people who look at me?"  Self validation from others I guess?

Mine was gorgeous as well, so I know what you are saying.  It hurts that the one persons opinion that should matter and actually mean something, really doesn't?  In my situation, all of her other BPD traits kinda snowballed from there... .   It's very easy to take this as rejection, but at the end of the day, it boils down to their disordered view of themselves!  That's the part that we need to consciously separate ourselves from and NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL!

After our split, she immersed herself in exercise, running, yoga to the extreme.  This is generally a healthy option, but again, her disordered thinking pushed it to the extreme.  She lost a lot of weight and is now, according to her, "7 lbs from being clinically anorexic?" 

She has cardiac irregularities, I would imagine from the strain put on the heart from the malnourishment?  In any event, I can only empathize.  I cant control what she decides to do with herself.  I am forced to numb myself from her actions.

I guess my point is, we can talk until we are blue in the face trying to convince another person of their beauty and value to us, but bottom line until they decide to take action and do something themselves about it, nothing will change... . remember not to take this personal, easier said than done I know, but that is the unfortunate reality of the situation!

MCC

[bruceli]

Same here except now... . PDw seems to be fulfilling a self fulfilling prophecy in that due to her heavy drinking to cope has put on 20 pounds and is indeed fatter now... .

[Spaces]

The becoming an annoyance thing... .   That's where she and I are right now.  Either she doesn't believe me because I tell her so she thinks she's ugly, or I don't tell her and she gets offended and feels ugly.  Is the cause of her uBDD her dBPD, or vise versa?  Or is it just all encompassing, two separate demons all together?

So just to be sure, in essence, on this specific pin drop of our multifaceted gantlet, nothing I can really do (except to be consistent)?

[Rockylove]

Is the cause of her uBDD her dBPD, or vise versa?  Or is it just all encompassing, two separate demons all together?

So just to be sure, in essence, on this specific pin drop of our multifaceted gantlet, nothing I can really do (except to be consistent)?

what came 1st is irrelevant.  She is who she is and you can't change that.  You can only be you and if she decides to make changes, she will do so.  You can be consistent which will help her with her insecurities to some extent, but it won't cure anything.  That's hers.  I tell my husband that he's the most handsome man on earth in my eyes.  It makes him smile, but he says "nah, I'm nothing, really."  It used to make me sad, but I think he really believes that I feel that way and that's all that I can do. 

[Spaces]

On one hand, its depressing that she doesn't accept how beautiful she is, bottom line kinda thing.  She spends time, money, emotional energy, and prioritizing on a problem that doesn't exist.

On the other hand, I get to spend the majority of my free time with the most beautiful woman ever (not saying your ladies are ugly, just saying mines the epitome of beauty).  Honestly I'm really lucky because it wasn't even her beauty that caught my attention, her physical beauty pales compared to her other qualities.  I just wish she could agree with me.  I was just hoping for a sort of cheat sheet to help.  This website is amazing, and its helped so much.  If you can figure out how I can get her to stop wearing her spanks (or spanx) I'll be eternally even more grateful

[Spaces]

On one hand, its depressing that she doesn't accept how beautiful she is, bottom line kinda thing.  She spends time, money, emotional energy, and prioritizing on a problem that doesn't exist.

What I mean to say is - On one hand, its depressing that she doesn't accept how beautiful she is AND ON A bottom line kinda thing, she spends time, money, emotional energy, and prioritizing on a problem that doesn't exist. I reread that and I sounded like a jerk.