uBPD wife, the OM, my kids, how crazy does it get?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm wondering how bad does it get after SO leaves with her affair partner and the kids S2, S5, D7. How did you cope? How crazy does it get?

For the full rundown on my situation you can check out my previous post in my introduction.

Since uBPD wife left 5 months ago for her affair partner and is really still in one because we're still married she has done the following which I find inappropriate:

Left and got her own place and introduced OM to the kids 2 1/2 weeks after leaving.

OM starts sleeping over at 3 weeks with kids there all the time

Wife and OM take kids out on family outings like movies, zoo, swimming, out of town trips.

Wife takes kids with her to go to OMs cousin's wedding. I'm assuming to show his family how nice she is and how good OM is with kids.

OM watches kids while wife is at work. Wife doesn't ask me if I'm available.


I feel that all of this within 5 months is abnormal. 6 months to 1 year slowly introduced a boyfriend/girlfriend to your kids and in small doses but not rushing like this.

OM has never had kids btw, yet at least 

[Mutt]

I'm wondering how bad does it get after SO leaves with her affair partner and the kids S2, S5, D7. How did you cope? How crazy does it get?

For the full rundown on my situation you can check out my previous post in my introduction.

Since uBPD wife left 5 months ago for her affair partner and is really still in one because we're still married she has done the following which I find inappropriate:

Left and got her own place and introduced OM to the kids 2 1/2 weeks after leaving.

OM starts sleeping over at 3 weeks with kids there all the time

Wife and OM take kids out on family outings like movies, zoo, swimming, out of town trips.

Wife takes kids with her to go to OMs cousin's wedding. I'm assuming to show his family how nice she is and how good OM is with kids.

OM watches kids while wife is at work. Wife doesn't ask me if I'm available.


I feel that all of this within 5 months is abnormal. 6 months to 1 year slowly introduced a boyfriend/girlfriend to your kids and in small doses but not rushing like this.

OM has never had kids btw, yet at least 

[livednlearned]

Mutt, are you asking for guidance with your legal strategy?

I think it's helpful to focus on strategy, and what you need to do to get the most custody you can for your kids. Talk through what you're planning to do, what is stumping you, where you need help in your thinking.

It's sometimes hard to figure out where other posts are -- I couldn't tell what your introductory post was. I don't know if you already have an L, if you have filed yet, and don't know what other issues your wife might have, like substance abuse, child abuse, etc.

From your brief post here, a judge might listen to you complain about your kids having a nice time doing fun things with mom's new boyfriend. That won't even register on the Richter scale of custody. It often takes the person who leaves the marriage less time to move on than the person who was left. Family court knows that. Process this stuff as quickly as you can so you can get yourself battle ready. Otherwise, your wife will have primary custody before you know it and your kids will start to experience parental alienation from you.

[Mutt]

She's refused both civil mediaiton provided by Legal Aid and family mediation provided by Family Justice Services in Canada. Next Monday I have an appointment with a court counselor with Family Justice Services, the lawyer helps me with the papers and files.

I'm legally married. I have a right to 50/50 and OM spends more times with the kids. SO said if I behave I get more time. It's not her right it comes down to the kids rights.

If she contests the papers it's at the end of the line with a judge which I suspect she's going to do.

More than anything I'm venting my frustrations with being alienated from my kids by my STBX. It's frustrating going step by step through the system and being told by STBX she doesn't care about what a judge thinks of the things posted in the OP. In her words if I mention anything of the above via e-mail I get a LMAO.

[Mutt]

I've gone step by step as guided by the family courts, at the very least if she doesn't want to play nice in any of that, I would assume that it looks good on my part, but I just feel like I'm beaten at every pass.

[livednlearned]

Any chance you want to file for more than 50/50?

[Mutt]

Any chance you want to file for more than 50/50?

Yes. I've been thinking more and more about full. I was hesitant of full because of how biased the system is and my chances, but I'm leaning towards full.

[ForeverDad]

I'm legally married. I have a right to 50/50 and OM spends more times with the kids. SO said if I behave I get more time. It's not her right it comes down to the kids rights.

If she contests the papers it's at the end of the line with a judge which I suspect she's going to do.

More than anything I'm venting my frustrations with being alienated from my kids by my STBX. It's frustrating going step by step through the system and being told by STBX she doesn't care about what a judge thinks of the things posted in the OP. In her words if I mention anything of the above via e-mail I get a LMAO.

Married or not, until you get some sort of paperwork from the court, you have parental rights to some extent but they will be unspecified.  Once you get a written court order specifying temporary custody, residential parent and parenting time, then you have something tangible that the police, doctors and other agencies will acknowledge and work with.

As with the many disordered parents described here, s e has shown that she cannot share the children.  Everything has to be conditional on the pwBPD's terms.  Most likely the court's orders, lousy as they may turn out to be, will be much better than your spouse's terms and conditions.

Any chance you want to file for more than 50/50?

Yes. I've been thinking more and more about full. I was hesitant of full because of how biased the system is and my chances, but I'm leaning towards full.

Proceed prompty.  Don't be timid by asking for only what you think you might end up with.  Ask for as much parenting as possible.  Expect her to keep asking for 100% and giving you crumbs conditionally 'if you behave'.  Make a case that you should have majority everything.  Don't make it easy for the judge to 'split the difference' between her entitled dictates and your timid reasonableness.

I've gone step by step as guided by the family courts, at the very least if she doesn't want to play nice in any of that, I would assume that it looks good on my part, but I just feel like I'm beaten at every pass.

I don't know when this saying first appeared here, but it fits:  The person behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the person behaving better seldom gets credit.

It is what it is.  Accept that reality and then proceed to your best strategies and efforts.

[livednlearned]

Yes. I've been thinking more and more about full. I was hesitant of full because of how biased the system is and my chances, but I'm leaning towards full.

The research on dads getting full custody are interesting -- talking about it here can get people heated because obviously there are cases where things don't go well at all, and it can sure look like gender bias. But the research I've looked at is encouraging for dads who do file for full custody. Some fathers don't file for full because they perceive there is a bias, so don't even try. And that feeds into statistics that point to more moms getting full custody. But of the states where dads filed for full in higher numbers, more dads got full custody.

That's the research, anyway. Which is only a guide, at the very best. If things don't go your way, obviously no amount of research is going to make you feel like your court was fair.

The bottom line is to file for full, no matter what your gender is.