Our MC is about to give up on us...

[Mike76]

My uBPDw T and our MC are in the same practice.  (My T is in different practice)

Her T and the MC have spoken to each other.

At our last MC session or T told us (looking at me), I may have failed you both in not encouraging heavier individual T and less MC.   Our MC has never met with us individually, so it has been a long road describing many of the dynamics of the marriage and situations.   

I ask "what can I do better as a husband?"  she looked at me with a blank stare and told me to more assertive same thing as my T.   

The MC then said  "80 percent of what creates marriage issues arose before the marriage, if there were problem before the marriage it makes things difficult"

At least were getting some place and maybe closer to a diagnoses.

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[Rockylove]

   I hope things progress from here.  Marriage counseling isn't the answer if there are too many issues that aren't resolved through personal counseling.  Keep going for your own sake... . it can only help you be a better person for you!

[bruceli]

Individual however can backfire if the T begins to validate the pwPD.  This happened with DW and it set us back until I got us back ontrack in MC.  As previously mentioned in other threads... .   pwPD will manipulate a T to try and get you to believe that you are the one with problems and issues.  SPDexw did this for 2 1/2 years with our untrained MC.  She ran circles around this guy and back then I had no idea about PD's and just sat there and took it and watched.

[Mike76]

I know MC is not the answer... .   I now feel confidant the MC see it, which help me.   I took me I while to realize the MC now see's it.  At the last session, I mentioned one of the issues, and the I was surprise the MC defended me as far as she did.   

One the other hand, because of comments my wife has been making (out of character for my wife), I can tell she is getting validation at individual and that is not helping the situation.

[bruceli]

I know MC is not the answer... .  I now feel confidant the MC see it, which help me.   I took me I while to realize the MC now see's it.  At the last session, I mentioned one of the issues, and the I was surprise the MC defended me as far as she did.  

One the other hand, because of comments my wife has been making (out of character for my wife), I can tell she is getting validation at individual and that is not helping the situation.

Thought so... . first thing they do if they get validated at T session is come home and say... . It's you that_____... . Without even having to ask how the session was... . DW got a validation once and it came out in pretty much every conversation we had for three weeks.  Seriously.  It seemed as though she you lead every conversation in a direction so that she could weave it in.

[mil2bpd]

Individual however can backfire if the T begins to validate the pwPD.  This happened with DW and it set us back until I got us back ontrack in MC.  As previously mentioned in other threads... .   pwPD will manipulate a T to try and get you to believe that you are the one with problems and issues.  SPDexw did this for 2 1/2 years with our untrained MC.  She ran circles around this guy and back then I had no idea about PD's and just sat there and took it and watched.

Firstly, I am so sorry, Mike76, that you are going through this. I am here as I am arming myself to support DS down this road, and my 2 y/o GS. It's a horrible, horrible path to go down and I applaud your efforts with T and MC.

What was written here, though, struck me as this has been a concern/question of mine as I still feel sorry for my DIL. She didn't chose this illness; it's a natural result of her fractured childhood and upbringing. But her T, like your SPDexw appears to also be totally unfamiliar with and untrained in PDs - her specialty is weight loss counseling (and the one issue DIL does not have is wt loss!). And the one MC that was tried also sounded clueless as the pathology going on here.  It's not my business. I know, to interfere. But it gets me so incensed that the help that could have been obtained has been lost by a therapist who could have/should have stepped in and averted the crisis that occurred. Did you ever try to provide some background to this T?

[Mike76]

I been able to share back-ground (one-one) with the MC.    I got ten minutes once, I left one 2 minute voice-mail, and one short note\letter.

I do feel the MC understands the issues, just at the last MC session... .

My wife said  "you spoke to my T" 

the MC said "twice briefly "

my wife said "should you talk to his"

the mc said "I have never had the need"

about 2 months ago

the MC said  "you should attend a T with your wife"

My wife agreed it, ( I was able to share some back-ground with my wives T, but with the restrictions I had from both the T and my wife.   This also came on one 24 hours notice, so I had no time to discuss with my T first.   I feel it went ok, but I could have done a better job,  and I feel parts of it back-fired.   

But everything is changing,  or the direction I make take to try to fixed\save my marriage.   

I went away for a couple days with my family, this really set her off.   She disappeared last night over 12 hours and only returned home as stated to type this.  I got up for a minute to great her and I got the I am so #$#@$ pissed off at you. 

Great way to spend my fourth.   Because of vacation and work schedules I have not meet with my T for a while. We also meet with the MC 4 times since my last T appointment.   Happy I get the meet with them again tomorrow.

 

[Blazing Star]

Our MC gave up on us too, this was well before anything about BPD was picked up on.

Do you know what kind of T your wife sees? Is she familiar with PDs? Would she practice DBT?

After years and years of therapy failing my pwBPD it wasn't until he saw a Dr referred psychologist who tested and referred him onto a DBT person that he has been getting better. I think it is Very hard for a T to work with a pw BPD if they have no idea about BPD.

Great that you are still seeing your own T though! Does your own T associate with your wife's T at all do you know?

Love Blazing Star