for the single ppl who are hurting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i know just how many of you feel tonite i hope maybe this will help clear your mind

you really are better off alone and safe rather and together and in danger.

[simplyasiam]

i know just how many of you feel tonite i hope maybe this will help clear your mind

you really are better off alone and safe rather and together and in danger.

[Validation78]

If I may add... .

Or together and yet lonely!

Peace be with us all!

Bet Wishes,

Val78

[doubleAries]

AMEN!

Timely--was just feeling incredibly lonely for the first time in a really long time. Or should I say a different kind of lonely (Re: Val78)

[thisyoungdad]

I appreciate this post. When my soon to be ex left me I called up my old therapist and asked if she would meet with me a couple times. She told me yes, think of some questions I had and let her know a week ahead of time and she would look in her notes and be happy to discuss with me.

We met a couple times over the course of a few months. The first thing she mentioned to me was that for almost the entire relationship I had felt like I was "alone" emotionally. That I never truly felt connected to her the way I should or wanted to. In fact the sad part is the only time I ever felt that way with my ex was in the weeks leading up to her leaving. It was the best our relationship had ever been, then she left and all hell broke loose.

I have held onto what the therapist said though and it has helped me in my deep moments of sad loneliness, to remember that I felt that way when I was with her too.

[MarcinN7]

I just woken up and gone to work but thanks for this 

Still learning to be a best friend for myself and not feel lonely after neglecting myself in the RS I`m getting there but sometimes it still hurts and this helps a little. 

[cult]

Right now I am trying not to think of everything I am going to miss, so much, about my ex uBPDpartner. After 10 years together, she is moving 1700 miles away, calling it a break from the relationship, and seems to have no feeling left for me (or anyone else). I am in shock and just know that I love her and our relationship, and don't want it to end.

The back rubs, the inside jokes, the companionship, her snores in the middle of the night, knowing each other so well we can communicate non-verbally, obviously the sexual intimacy. The knowledge that someone in the world loved me so completely and was totally devoted to me. God, that last one is huge.

But if I am honest about it, I would have to admit that my ex has not been that person for a long time. She abandoned me in April, and it's only now that she is removing herself physically as well as emotionally, although there was physical abandonment in April too as she began to spend more and more time away from home, away from me. I kept hoping that with time and patience, and changes on my part, she would come around and go back to the way she used to be. That was not to be and now she is leaving.

[simplyasiam]

i feel for all of you and feel the same pain myself  but atleast we know, noone is cheating on us leaving us or blaming us today! that gets to be a good feeling.

we can watch what ever we want on the TV go where we want talk to who we want.

at this point for myself anyhow im the only thing stoping me from anything!

[Peabody]

Thank you sir!

Posts like these are always such esteem boosters.

[VeryFree]

You're totally right!

Besides that: being alone and safe means you can work on yourself and built a nice future, maybe even with a healthy partner!

[Simona]

Thank you... .

Today I felt a bit lonelier to tell the truth, maybe it's because his birthday is coming up in 3 days and I will not be there to celebrate... . we have birthdays in same month and spent an entire year planning how lucky we will be to celebrate the birthdays in same home as a married couple and from now on all birthdays would be together. Cheesy I know, and all the dreams we had together went down the drain with his illness and abuse and everything... . yet sometimes I do miss his "good" version so much.

I am constantly reminding myself the worst nights, the cryings, the abuse, the times he hurted me etc to keep these longing feeling away but then it hits... . tonight is one of those nights.

Yet, I am grateful that the nightmare is over, I am in a safe place with no drama, no insult, no abuse, no danger, no silent treatments or belittlement or forcing to have sex with him. I just miss the guy I thought I got married, not the actual monster... .

[VeryFree]

I just miss the guy I thought I got married

Think about who that guy was... .

Read about mirroring... .

The guy you loved was... . you. 

[Simona]

  VeryScared... .

That guy was a mytical creature like a unicorn, !

Thank you... . just one of those down times but this too shall pass

I just miss the guy I thought I got married

Think about who that guy was... .

Read about mirroring... .

The guy you loved was... . you. 

[simplyasiam]

let all get out there today and live a life. no free loaders in our heads today, its hard i know but we can do it even just for a few hours lets push past this be here for each other and have a good day.



nothing a ex wants more than to know WE are lost without them WE gave all WE had now it our turn to take... . back ourselfs

[whatathing]

Thanks, I needed this today also It´s interesting to be within a bereavement process and notice how it works. How our minds and our hearts slowly process all the intense experiences, the loss, the feelings, and how it slowly works through it. Some days it feels like it´s finally ok, other days I wake up thinking that there´s no one like her and that I simply wish I could be around her.

But it´s very good to remember that there was loneliness when I was with her too. Neglecting myself, that has been a great insight that all this turned possible for me to reach. And it´s great to begin to give myself care for what´s inside of me, my feelings, my needs, my preferences, being my friend, as MarcinN7 said. That kind of attitude towards me is so unkown to me, that it´s like discovering a new continent.

A nice day to you all

[simplyasiam]

watharhing, yourwelcome i know just what your saying. i have know idea who i am anymore how to even be me and i was also alone alot with exBPD at my side.

at the frist of the year i started standing up for myself doing things for me leting her know what i needed looking back now i can see thats when this big blow up really started, i think now the more i stood up the more she pulled away.

[VeryFree]

at the frist of the year i started standing up for myself doing things for me leting her know what i needed looking back now i can see thats when this big blow up really started, i think now the more i stood up the more she pulled away.

That was really the beginning of the end of my r/s too. I started standing up for myself, going to do things, she wouldn't let me (nothing strange, just regular things), put some more pressure on my involvement in therapy and BANG... . things are over.

Came too close, went too far.

Right now I'm feeling better every day. Hard last half year, but growing.

[whatathing]

Thanks, simplyasiam. I also relate to that... . our problems also started when I started being more myself and confronting her just a little bit, about the lack of reciprocity. It´s incredible, it´s like all was hanging in a very fragile rope, and at the minimum pressure, it broke. It seems like it never was really real, because it didn´t ever pass a line where I could feel this had consistency. And the few times I began to feel that, of course that the week after she had a crisis.

But even today, I wonder what could have I done to make things work. I feel that I should be more funny, more independent, more leading... . But she had some magic power to turn me into a passive zombie, she was so self centered and quickly shifting, and disorganized, I just found myself just trying to "grab the rail", keep up with her, and it never got to a point of a really communicating, understanding, empathizing, r/s. And when I started to try harder to help us there, she ran away... .

[simplyasiam]

hi wathathing.

you have just put into words one of the many ways i have felt in the past few weeks.

this is my 1st time geting to this point of healing/learning wish i would have found this place long ago.

dont think it would have helped our r/s becouse ex runs from help but its helped me

the lessons links are a great tool

[danley]

Thanks, simplyasiam. I also relate to that... . our problems also started when I started being more myself and confronting her just a little bit, about the lack of reciprocity. It´s incredible, it´s like all was hanging in a very fragile rope, and at the minimum pressure, it broke. It seems like it never was really real, because it didn´t ever pass a line where I could feel this had consistency. And the few times I began to feel that, of course that the week after she had a crisis.

But even today, I wonder what could have I done to make things work. I feel that I should be more funny, more independent, more leading... . But she had some magic power to turn me into a passive zombie, she was so self centered and quickly shifting, and disorganized, I just found myself just trying to "grab the rail", keep up with her, and it never got to a point of a really communicating, understanding, empathizing, r/s. And when I started to try harder to help us there, she ran away... .

I relate to the lack of inconsistency in the relationship. Most days my ex would be wonderful. But when I began to put him first and pull back my needs he ran all over me. It became the norm for me to give 80 and him 20. And when I voiced my displeasure he became upset as tho it was expected for me to always tend to his needs first. I began to feel like everything was out of convenience for him and he got used to the dynamic Once his world of divorce and life adjustment became too stressful for him. He needed control of the relationship. It needed to be on his terms only towards the end. Even asking to spend two hours with him became a battle. But yet it was fine and dandy if HE was the one to ask ME to hang out. I became tired of it and spoke up. A few weeks later he jumped ship. He began to paint our relationship black even tho he had it easy in my eyes and frequently would say he cared. His fears, guilt, shame, and unhappiness with himself became the focus of his world and No matter what I did would help him out of his misery.

I don't think there's anything I could have done to make it better except Maybe for HIM I could have continued accepting his half a$$ attempts to doing his part. I suppose I could have spoken up earlier but I doubt it would have changed things. You see, he had deep issues within himself that needed addressing. And instead of working on that, he chose to use me as a sort of safety blanket to hide over his eyes. Relationships that are one sided never work and that's what mine became apparently so towards the end.

Taking a deeper look at yourself helps in the healing process. Realizing that you should be a priority and not an option in a relationship is important.  Seems like most here, including I, have suffered being treated as Plan B in their exes lives at one point or another.  Always know your worth and value.