Helplessly watching the self destruction

[thisyoungdad]

I have a question. I am watching my soon to be ex self destruct in some very sad ways.

We would have been together 5 years this month. She is divorcing me which part of me is realizing is a good thing. We got together right after she filed for divorce in her previous marriage. At the time I was young (we have a good age difference between us) and I believed what she told me and I had met the ex a couple times so it was believable. We started to date long before that divorce was ever final. She being the higher earner and various other reasons had to pay a very lofty sum to get that divorce. In fact she has 3-4 more years to pay that loan off she had to take to pay that ex off.

Now she is divorcing me. It is going to cost her almost 100K to divorce me after it is all said and done. For reasons I won't go into she has to pay my attorney and spousal support as well as all kinds of other things. The crazier she gets the more it costs. Anyway though so today I got an email from my attorney with some financial information. I honestly wanted to cry I felt so sad for her. She is a medical doctor who has almost driven herself to nothing, especially for a doctor practicing over a decade. The debt she has is staggering. And money is everything to her so I just feel so sad to watch her do this to herself. There are other things I am watching her do to herself too, like binge eating and gaining weight, I bet she started smoking again, all kinds of things.

So I feel like I helplessly watching the mother of my child self destruct. I have to wonder, what does it take for her or anyone with BPD to get help or even acknowledge they might have a problem? Since we have a kid together I feel like I am trapped in some ways watching this unfold, plus we aren't divorced yet. I hate watching it. I have said from day 1 I don't want her money, I want her to get healthy (not even so we can be a family again but because I want her healthy for our daughter and herself)  and so it is just painful to go through and watching her "dig her own grave" so to speak and not even see that she is doing it.

It is just hard... . because as the mother of my child I care about her, and I hate seeing this. It feels like it makes the healing harder.

[Validation78]

Hi Thisyoungdad!

Many believe that pwBPD, or any person with a problem, have to hit rock bottom before they will admit to themselves that they have a problem. The question is, what is rock bottom? The answer is different for everyone. The disordered thinking patterns of pwBPD render them less capable than healthy folks of looking at their lives and accepting responsibility for the destructive behaviors. For that matter, it's even hard for mentally healthy people to look at themselves with a critical eye!

It's very sad, what pwBPD go through, and the havoc they create in their lives. Even if they acknowledge their disorder, it takes a lot of work and time to get better.

Best Wishes,

Val78