Ego problems

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am vacillating between trying to remember that this is not personal, that she has the problem and its not me and falling to the pits that I must be a horrible person for her to be able to just walk away with NC and ignore my requests to please explain what has happened. While inthe pits I also beat myself up for being codependent and staying in a dead end relationship and letting what was left of the younger years fly by.

I think I am not decrepit, I have a god job and am a good person... . surely I will find someone to share my life with who is stable and appreciative. Them I look around at options and feel even more depressed that I didn't leave years ago.  But my wondering mind goes right back to the love that I have felt that is so far above anything that I ever felt and of all the good times. I naively hope for change and that I can spend the rest of my life with her in at least a controlled, not cured, state.

I am playing pinball in my head all the while I still hear nothing and obsess about what she is thinking and doing. I am going away today with family to try and get respite time.  I wish I could truly put the situation on a shelf, be patient and let go. I have tried meditation to no avail. I have always been an over thinker and being with her has stimulated my brain beyond belief, but mostly with negative thoughts and fears. I need to be able to find another focus and haven't been able to for any length of time.

Anyone have suggestions for helping your ego, helping to stop crying from the pain and being patient because these folks deal in different time zones than most people?

[Tooloyal]

I am vacillating between trying to remember that this is not personal, that she has the problem and its not me and falling to the pits that I must be a horrible person for her to be able to just walk away with NC and ignore my requests to please explain what has happened. While inthe pits I also beat myself up for being codependent and staying in a dead end relationship and letting what was left of the younger years fly by.

I think I am not decrepit, I have a god job and am a good person... . surely I will find someone to share my life with who is stable and appreciative. Them I look around at options and feel even more depressed that I didn't leave years ago.  But my wondering mind goes right back to the love that I have felt that is so far above anything that I ever felt and of all the good times. I naively hope for change and that I can spend the rest of my life with her in at least a controlled, not cured, state.

I am playing pinball in my head all the while I still hear nothing and obsess about what she is thinking and doing. I am going away today with family to try and get respite time.  I wish I could truly put the situation on a shelf, be patient and let go. I have tried meditation to no avail. I have always been an over thinker and being with her has stimulated my brain beyond belief, but mostly with negative thoughts and fears. I need to be able to find another focus and haven't been able to for any length of time.

Anyone have suggestions for helping your ego, helping to stop crying from the pain and being patient because these folks deal in different time zones than most people?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Tooloyal... . I hope that reading the other stories and advice given here on the Undecided Board is helping you... . I myself do not have a BPD significant other, but I've read the links below, and I'm wondering if any of them can help you with the torment and pain you are going through? I do know from reading here (and also from my Son's (36) experience in breaking up with his BPD girlfriend, more than a year ago~~and he is still suffering!), that a relationship and breakup or even trying to stay together is fraught with all sorts of terrible angst and self-doubt. Maybe check out these links and see if they are any help to you:

Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

The Five Stages of Non-BPD Recovery

Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds

I know there is a lot there, but I so much want to try to help you... . When others here who are in the same spot you are in come and talk to you, that will also be a help... . Let me know what you think of any/all of the info above... .

[Tooloyal]

I read through each of the suggested sites. Thank you. It helps so much to not feel alone and to have guidance that is better educated of the situation than from a friend or relative who has the best intent but doesn't really understand.

I have gone from a strong, opinionated (sometimes too much so), charasmatic person, to being a yes person, walking on egg shells, and continually trying to improve myself b/c my SO loves telling me all that is wrong with me. I have turned down opportunities to do fun things, have not kept in touch with old friends, dropped important tasks and much more to try and keep her from getting upset. I learned quickly through the retaliation that was doled out.

If I did something that was a threat to her, she would not take my calls, would accuse me of infidelity, assert her freedom to go do things that were inconsiderate or hurtful to me, etc. etc.  I don't like punishment and strive to do the right thing, so I behaved. The changing lines of acceptable behavior kept me on my toes.

The NC she is so kindly providing now is becuase of an email that I sent where I tried to stand up for myself. I have been working on boundaries, walking away, etc. as has been suggested. Instead of seeing in the email that I was feeling picked upon and that she gives other people breaks that I don't get, I was attacked and cut off completely. My apologetic text and voicemails saying I didn't mean to upset her, fell on deaf ears.

I hope the people who are new in relationships will do better than me - either walking away earlier or having more success in not losing themselves. The length of my relationship makes for more good memories, deeper connections, etc. that makes decision making even harder. I feel like I am losing so much if the relationship is really over. Yet I know people from the outside would look at some of the crazy behaviors and say "get out" while you can and you should have years ago.

One of the things that I am not very proud of is letting her emotions and behaviors be my barometer. It's a good day for me based on how she is. If she is down in the dumps, I end up there too. I have lost (and am now trying to reclaim), my independence. Each time there were separations in the past, I tried to not do anything that I would be punished for when we got back together. I saw some friends but mainly spent time with my son b/c I knew that was okay. Each time I have held on from moving forward because i was waiting for her. I wait to be accepted and loved again. This time, I want to love myself. I have not broken all habits. I am still on standby like the too loyal person that I am in hopes that today will be the day she will break the ice. But I am also trying to acknowledge just how out of whack the relationship has been and that somethings would have to change.

Thank you again for your advice. I will keep reading.

[dickL]

tooloyal, we are married to same woman ! everything your saying is a reflection of my r/s . she's been gone 3mos. nc . 2nd time in 3yrs to same soulmate from when she was 14. i'm 64 in poor health and am left with  25S, mentally challenged w/asperger's, and have much legal advice , divorce not recommended 3 times . financial armeggedon would assure damaging son more . well i arrived here 3 months ago and continue to use this site to help fix S and i realize she's been broken since 4 ( sexual abuse ). i too am a loyal dog , she has saved both my son and me from death . she's ill and i don't intend to return to the abuse i suffered for 37yrs, but i've learned anger is akin to kicking them while they're down. 2+2 will never be 4 with BPD , eggshells. you should see T if your not it has helped S and me ! she has refused further T and that's a boundary for her to return. she owns half of our lovely home and can legally re-enter at will , she's 1000mi away. so i prepare for 2 outcomes with or without her, keeping in mind S and i's mental health regardless. hers is hers. take care of you and your S and hope she gets better with or with out you and S. only she is in charge of her life.

[Tooloyal]

Dick,

I am sorry for your situation too. I am seeing a therapist who for years has said when you have enough, you will leave. I have felt more that way more recently, but kept telling T that her leaving me was the concern. I don't understand why love turned me weak and created a tolerance of intolerable acts. Even at this moment I am hoping for that text, call or email. I have to go to work. She knows my schedule. I will be hoping that she stops by as she has done in the past.

Reality is that she could no way think of me as often as I am thinking of her. I am sure she misses me because she relies heavily on me for physical things. She has health problems and I am the one who saves the day on house stuff, technology matters, etc. She has very few people in her life so I know she is missing me for the things I did for her. But I also figure she is out with her most loyal friends, that she tried to keep me from socializing with,  and is probably trashing me. While I go to work in a fuzz over what my life has become and what will become of It.

I made plans for myself for tomorrow night and will be asking a coworker who recently lost her husband and is also grieving if she wants to have dinner. I am tying to keep as busy as I can. I am very thankful for my faith and the boost that it gives me that in the end things will be better. I hope and pray this for her as well. She needs help and I pray she reaches out. I will keep you, your S, and others in my thoughts and prayers too.