Getting ready to recycle again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke off the engagement with my BPgf 5 months ago.

I had only been 10 mos. out from a 23 yr marriage when I met her on line.

She immeditaly latched on to me and showed me how to have a good time, she is a very social person... . me? not so much.

It was absolutely fantastic, I never felt better, and it stayed like that for almost a year. I saw a few red flags but they were few are far between, besides I was 50 yrs old when we met and I had trailer full of baggage I was carrying.

But then I started to feel the pressure to make a commitment or at least give her some hope that we had a future.

That`s when the relationship changed for me, I knew I wasn`t ready to get married again so soon, but I was having so much fun, that I just played it off for as long as I could. Well obviously it eventually came to a head, and I had to choose commitment or move on.

So I told her I wasn`t ready for marriage and broke up. It was great for about a week, then all of a sudden this doom and gloom feeling came over me and completely engulfed me, I neve felt anything so intense... . so I took that as that I made a huge mistake, so I went running back to her and she gladly took me back. I did tell her that we could start at least thinking about a future together but very slowly, and that was ok for a while. But then I starting noticing some troubling actions. She was very vindictive(not towards me) but if someone else upset her she would go for the jugular. She talked very nasty to her Mom, her girlfriend told me how badly she treated her last boyfriend, but I never experienced that towards me. She always told me that I was her first boyfriend that she really respected. But because of those red flags I again broke it off, another surprise to her. Again, after about two weeks I thought I was dying, I could not function, I did not want to live and the only thing I could think of is, man I made a big mistake, and I went running back to her, this time she said the only way she would take me back is if I made a solid commitment in the form of an engagement ring, that her heart could not take another breakup. So rather then feeling the excruciating pain that invaded my body, I got her a ring and then 4 mos later I broke off the engagement, 2 mos before our wedding date, again a total unexpected shock to her(and rightly so). I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating bullets thinking about being back in a marriage(I`m sure there are some commitment issues on my part).

She pleaded and begged and sent emails and texts and voicemails by the hundreds, and because of the advice that I had gotten, I didn`t read or respond to any of them(NC).

It`s been 5 mos since the break up and that whole time, she had always found a way to let me knmow she was still out there.

I finally broke down the other day and answered one of her phone calls, (she uses other phones that Ihave not blocked and calls me).

So I knew it was her, and I had ignored every single call for 5 mos., but for some reason I picked it up, long story short she told me despite all the heart ache I have caused her she still loves more than words could ever say. And that she hurts just as much today as she did the day I broke it off. She has tried to move on, she has a boyfriend but she says she still thinks of me more than him.

Then she asked me if I would meet her for lunch, I told her I needed a day to think about it, and the morning I told her I would.

So, there it is, we are meeting tomorrow for lunch.

I`m not a very fast typer, so I hope this made some sense in explaining my situation, I didn`t proof read or correct spelling either.

But I would love to hear what your thoughts are about my situation.

Let me add, the 5 mos have been a living hell for me too, I was actually having thoughts of ending my life because it was getting worse each day with no hope of relief on the horizon.

[Rameses]

I broke off the engagement with my BPgf 5 months ago.

I had only been 10 mos. out from a 23 yr marriage when I met her on line.

She immeditaly latched on to me and showed me how to have a good time, she is a very social person... . me? not so much.

It was absolutely fantastic, I never felt better, and it stayed like that for almost a year. I saw a few red flags but they were few are far between, besides I was 50 yrs old when we met and I had trailer full of baggage I was carrying.

But then I started to feel the pressure to make a commitment or at least give her some hope that we had a future.

That`s when the relationship changed for me, I knew I wasn`t ready to get married again so soon, but I was having so much fun, that I just played it off for as long as I could. Well obviously it eventually came to a head, and I had to choose commitment or move on.

So I told her I wasn`t ready for marriage and broke up. It was great for about a week, then all of a sudden this doom and gloom feeling came over me and completely engulfed me, I neve felt anything so intense... . so I took that as that I made a huge mistake, so I went running back to her and she gladly took me back. I did tell her that we could start at least thinking about a future together but very slowly, and that was ok for a while. But then I starting noticing some troubling actions. She was very vindictive(not towards me) but if someone else upset her she would go for the jugular. She talked very nasty to her Mom, her girlfriend told me how badly she treated her last boyfriend, but I never experienced that towards me. She always told me that I was her first boyfriend that she really respected. But because of those red flags I again broke it off, another surprise to her. Again, after about two weeks I thought I was dying, I could not function, I did not want to live and the only thing I could think of is, man I made a big mistake, and I went running back to her, this time she said the only way she would take me back is if I made a solid commitment in the form of an engagement ring, that her heart could not take another breakup. So rather then feeling the excruciating pain that invaded my body, I got her a ring and then 4 mos later I broke off the engagement, 2 mos before our wedding date, again a total unexpected shock to her(and rightly so). I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating bullets thinking about being back in a marriage(I`m sure there are some commitment issues on my part).

She pleaded and begged and sent emails and texts and voicemails by the hundreds, and because of the advice that I had gotten, I didn`t read or respond to any of them(NC).

It`s been 5 mos since the break up and that whole time, she had always found a way to let me knmow she was still out there.

I finally broke down the other day and answered one of her phone calls, (she uses other phones that Ihave not blocked and calls me).

So I knew it was her, and I had ignored every single call for 5 mos., but for some reason I picked it up, long story short she told me despite all the heart ache I have caused her she still loves more than words could ever say. And that she hurts just as much today as she did the day I broke it off. She has tried to move on, she has a boyfriend but she says she still thinks of me more than him.

Then she asked me if I would meet her for lunch, I told her I needed a day to think about it, and the morning I told her I would.

So, there it is, we are meeting tomorrow for lunch.

I`m not a very fast typer, so I hope this made some sense in explaining my situation, I didn`t proof read or correct spelling either.

But I would love to hear what your thoughts are about my situation.

Let me add, the 5 mos have been a living hell for me too, I was actually having thoughts of ending my life because it was getting worse each day with no hope of relief on the horizon.

[winston72]

Wow, Rocky.  I just scanned through your earlier posts.  It sounds like it has been an incredibly intense, difficult 5 months... . actually, probably two years.  You must have some amazing personal transformations ahead of you because you are really being stretched and tested!

First, my shoot-from-the-hip response:  Older gentlemen falls hard for pretty, younger woman.  Attraction is huge.  Relationship is toxic and painful.  Attraction and sex are more powerful than common sense.  This story is as hold as humanity!  You want to be close to her beauty and you want to retain how it feels, but you cannot tolerate the personal dynamics.  So, you are trapped.  You don't want to lose what she offers you, but you do not want to take on the relationship dynamics long term.  And, this doesn't even take into account the topic of her BPD-like behaviors. 

Being attracted to physical beauty does not make you shallow.  Welcome to the human race.  The topic of why you are dying inside, and literally want to die, if you are absent from her beauty (and the massive abuse that comes with it) is another topic.  But, you won't find any relief by saying that you should not be driven by this basic desire.  I don't think you are going to change that part of who you are... . but there is a whole lot more going on here.

I experienced some very similar dynamics over the past year and a half.  About six months after I discovered my exgf had been cheating on me, one reconciliation, one return by her to the other guy, another reconciliation... . she started setting deadlines for us to get engaged.  If we weren't engaged within the next six months, then we would break up.  As I reflect on the timing, it is crazy!  Really crazy.  I had not started to digest her affair (which had been going on for about a year, on and off) when she returned to him and then left and then back.  I know I just repeated myself, but I am still guffawed at it all!  Anyway, her flipping into a demand for engagement from me really set me back on my heels.  I went from feeling in pain to feeling inadequate to wondering why I could not commit to the girl I wanted.  Oops!  I forgot to acknowledge that I was in a screaming mass of pain from thinking about her with another man!  I was without trust given her year of lying.  But... . I was badgered into letting her set the agenda.

But, I digress into my story rather than yours.  I had three break-up/reconciliation cycles as I tried to meet her time frames.  I did not propose, but felt such pressure to do so that I was having panic attacks.  The elephant sat on my chest for about a year! 

We would break up and go silent and then one or the other of us would reach out.  I am not using the NC nomenclature because it was not in my mind at the time as I had not engaged this site yet.  Now it has been about seven weeks of NC, based on mutual agreement.  The pain and anxiety has really shrunk to a modest level.  it is a huge relief.  I think of her all day, every day.  I miss her.  I am angry at her.  I am still processing hurt from her betrayal.  But, it is all being used to plow the soil of my inner world and cause me to look, listen and learn about who I really am. 

The biggest part of why I am doing better is that I spent most of the last year trying to understand myself and my attraction to her.  Over time, the process of working on this has been liberating me from the need for her and the relationship. 

My goal... . find an attractive woman who is healthy!  My plan... . be a stable and healthy person so I will attract a healthy woman and be able to sustain the relationship.