BPD/Nxh helping with costs

[Forward2free]

Not sure if this belongs on this board, but those of you who know my journey to this point will likely be surprised as me.

DD8 knocked out both adult front teeth this year and BPD/Nxh offered to help with treatment. 3 months on, I had selected the orthodontist and prosthodontist and emailed him with summary of procedures required and costs associated. I also took a deep breath and asked if he wanted to attend the next 3 appointments with the specialists involved so that he could get a better understanding of it. It is my legal responsibility to make the medical decisions, but I wanted his buy in to the treatment so that he would keep his promise of paying to fix her teeth... .

We haven't been eye to eye in nearly 4 years and only in the same room when it was court dates or briefly at kid changeovers.

I don't know if he is driven by his narcissism to fix DD8's looks or if it is self serving in another way, but I found an article one night that sealed the deal for me and quoted Matthew 6:21; New International Version (©2011) For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Loosely translated, I took this to mean that if he spends his money on the children, his heart will follow. Remember that until this point, I only receive about $100 per month for 2 children of child support and he is under no legal obligation to assist me any further and to this point he hasn't.

So, he attended the appointment on Wednesday and I brought my mother and the 2 kids. Mum and I were nervous, but united to be strong and unwavering and show no love or hate and no fear. We were both cordial and completely professional and so was he. DS6 and DD8 were happy to see him, but DD6 spent the entire time sitting on my lap. I was surprised and assumed that the children would be all over him. At the end the kids just gave him a quick hug and walked away.

After the appointment we got the lift down all together and he said he was happy with the treatment and he wanted to attend the next session. I agreed. He asked for my bank account details so he could transfer the money to me and then left.

I took DD8 to a podiatrist that same day and for various reasons she needs orthotics. I asked podiatrist to email me his findings and his quote which I forwarded to BPD/Nxh with a request for him to contribute to the costs. He agreed.

At this point I have sent him an email with a summary of costs I have paid and the future costs due and he is transferring half of the money now!

I'm not saying that this will continue or that this is the end of my legal woes, but praise God for the turnaround!

Last week his lawyer approached mine about settling his request for increased visitation with more lawyers and barristers and mediators. My L told his that we would agree to our last proposal from court in May and forwarded the details. I hope that he stops wasting his and my money on lawyers and puts the children first. Yes, I am asking for a miracle, but I think I have already had one this week so you never know!

No funds in my account yet, but he actually seems sincere. We are emailing like normal adults and so far things are good. I never did renew that restraining order in May, there wasn't enough current evidence, but if anything went wrong, I'd get one straight away. I love having firm boundaries :-)

[Forward2free]

I spoke too soon - just got an email from BPD/Nxh saying he can't pay directly to me and wants to pay the practitioners at the time of treatment - which is what I offered in the beginning. Now I am not sure he'll pay me retrospectively for costs to date and have offered him copies of all the invoices/receipts too.

So annoying, but I have nothing to hide so game on. I knew deep down it was too good to be true.

[ForeverDad]

I don't know the laws there, so maybe there's a tax or other legal reason for him to need to pay directly to the provider.  Actually I think that's better.  I didn't feel comfortable him knowing your bank account number.  He's not on the account and so can't do anything disastrous legally, but still... .

[Forward2free]

It's actually the same bank account that I had when we were married, but an online only account. I changed all my passwords years ago and there are notes galore on the account too.

Nonetheless, he has written back to say he will pay me directly for half of the costs that I have incurred so far and I just need to receipt him for it.

His response was very well written. It's funny, but it seems like a new phase of the relationship (as co-parents) where the past is not talked about, and focus on kids, present and future.

I hope it continues!

[ForeverDad]

Consistency, now that's a challenge.  Accept the good, handle the rest.

[livednlearned]

I get streaks of generosity from my ex, too. During storms, he will offer to bring groceries (his car is 4WD). But it's BPD, so I don't trust anything he does anymore.

I hope your ex really does pay you. It's good for all of us to see the humanity in these people, even though it can be so hard to after you've been scorched so badly.

[Forward2free]

Ok, so he stopped CC'ing his lawyer and paid the money 2 days ago, but I didn't jump for joy until it hit my account yesterday.

My mum and dad were with me at today’s ortho appointment – and BPD/Nxh shook dad’s hand and said hello. No other interaction, apart from him giving up his chair for my mum.

He wanted to chat to me to explain why he hesitated in giving me the money, and he blamed it on the lawyer, said she wanted to go through child support and they’d reduce my (meagre) payments by 30%. He said he paid me directly without telling L because it was for DD8. I said thanks, his child support payments are appreciated, but certainly don’t cover everything ($300 per fortnight for 2 kids, and sometimes less).

We sat and chatted together for about 30 minutes after my family had left in the ortho waiting room. He was telling me that his L is taking him for a ride and he asked me what I thought. It turns out that between us we have spend A$210,000 on legal bills in the last 4 years, and his L is pushing him to go back to court later this year to resolve the parenting orders.

I told him that I would accept my last proposal from May court date and would be happy with reviewing it in the future if it was in the best interests of the kids, and once he had re-established by trust. OMG – I was so brave! I also told him that I am willing to leave the past in the past and to focus on a new normal between us for the kids sake, to stop with the L and to accept the recommendation by the FC (as per the May court date).

He wants to blame his L, but when I asked him what he wants, he still wants 50/50. I told him that I wouldn’t be agreeable to that now, it’s a big jump from 8hrs per month and we’d have to take it slowly. He understood, but still wants what he wants. I hope he puts the kids first.

He told me his proposal will be for Friday through to Monday every second weekend, which I said I would not agree to. It has to be slow over time and he has to build trust and make it a better transition for the kids.

Ok, and for kicks, he told me that “you and I both know that DD8 will come and live with me when she’s 16 because she’ll hate you by then, and probably me too, but you know she’ll come to me eventually”. 

He also told me that he was sorry for how he treated me in our marriage and doesn’t blame me for shutting him down. He told me that although I acted badly too, he recognises that he was still 90% to blame for everything and even responsible for the actions I took. I told him I’d own those. Setting boundaries at the time must have seemed really terrible to him and very insulting. No sarcasm intended.

He told me that he sees it as his job to protect the children and even me, because I am their mother. I just nodded. He said that he wants to put the kids first and would never hurt them.

He asked me why I drove 150 metres behind his car the other day as we left the visit. I told him that our circumstances have made me cautious and I wanted to stay out of the way. He understood. I reminded him that his new GF was in the car and she added an affidavit to the last court proceedings which was completely fabricated, detailing me stalking her, following her home, calling her boss, calling her mobile and made her lose her job 2 years ago. None of which was true. I knew BPD/Nxh was to blame – it was his MO and he has done it with 3 of his GF against me.

Even though he told me he had changed over the last few years, I looked him in the eye, and calmly told him that I simply cannot blindly trust that everything will be ok, and trust has to be earned. He agreed. He told me he doesn’t totally trust me either. Whatever.

He knows I have been dating someone and asked me if he has met the kids and if he is safe. I told him I love the kids and I will never do anything to harm them. This could be the sticking point for BPD/Nxh and he may not be able to cope with a new man in his kid’s lives.

Yes, early, early days and I certainly trust him about as far as I can throw him, but where has all the conflict and legal bills got us so far? I am not the same person I was before, so surely that must speak volumes to BPD/Nxh?

There is certainly a benefit to speaking directly, eye to eye, instead of through closed doors and with lawyers and barristers like Chinese-whispers. Yet to see what the benefit will be exactly, but I have nothing to lose by reasserting myself and protecting my children.

[Forward2free]

I got an email back from BPD/Nxh last night: Here is is:

"Thanks for your email. Whilst I agree whole heartedly with your comments about feeling sad about the misdirected money, unfortunately I have been advised emphatically against parenting orders and who am I to disagree.

As I expressed to you today, I was already due to spend the afternoon with (his lawyer) in regard to formatting a proposal that will be forwarded to (my lawyer). I hope when it arrives, you will find the proposal reasonable.

I have taken into account your thoughts from our discussion today about things being done gradually and also my needs to enable me to be an active and present parent to DD8 and DS6."

Well, it's clear he is still blame shifting and doesn't want to take responsibility - instead, blaming his lawyer for his entitlement?   He has gone to court FOR a parenting order, so not sure if he even understands what his money is being spent on. He did tell me yesterday that his lawyer was hemorrhaging his money, but it seems without knowing what for!

I'm yet to see the proposal so don't know if it's reasonable. If he proposes the recommendation by the family consultant, should be easy, but I am guessing that would be far too 'reasonable'.

[ForeverDad]

Could this generosity be designed to weaken your determination to keep contact minimal?  He has spent huge sums and has made only minimal impact on the case.  This sharing of expenses would be a comparatively small amount and well worth it if it makes you relax your resistance to faster change.

He told me he doesn’t totally trust me either.

Whatever?  Gaslighting.  As in, "I don't trust you either, so if I'm bad then so are you."

After what he's done, I can't see 50/50 ever happening, even if the country pushes it.  There's just too much history

And no the children won't hate you and run to him when they get older.  At least, not due to you.  the odds are against that happening.

He knows I have been dating someone and asked me if he has met the kids and if he is safe.

He's trying to say your judgment is poor and not to be trusted.  Like my ex does, anyone else is portrayed as a 'probable' abuser.  I'm trying to think of the words... . like every word he touches makes it icky, because if said by anyone else (who is reasonably normal) it would be okay, but with his history it's twisted, distorted.  Coming from a house-destroyer it's hypocritical, though he's slippery enough to make it hard for you to say it.

[Forward2free]

Could this generosity be designed to weaken your determination to keep contact minimal?  He has spent huge sums and has made only minimal impact on the case.  This sharing of expenses would be a comparatively small amount and well worth it if it makes you relax your resistance to faster change.

FD - you are 100% correct. I received his proposal today and he has asked for joint parental responsibility - against the court ordered family consultants recommendation that I retain sole parental responsibility.

Plus, he's added way more time, way more quickly, and with way more conditions to favour himself. One of my favourites is that in the event that either one of us moves more than 20kms away, we change the changeover to a central location. Conveniently, his rental is per calendar year and he has changed at least once a year for the past 4 years, in fact, has had 7 addresses in that time. I have stayed within 3kms of our original residence, and have a mortgage, so it is clear who this is for.

He has also asked to take the children to a Taylor Swift and a One Direction concert this year, and told the kids about it so I am in a hard position, must say yes or look bad to kids. Does this really matter, probably not. Bigger things to fight here.

He also wants to be the first option to care for the children if I am unavailable which would mean he will know each and every time I am unavailable, whether through illness, social events or otherwise. Control much? He doesn't have a reciprocal clause for me to be his first option if unavailable, even though the children live with me.

He told me he doesn’t totally trust me either.

Whatever?  Gaslighting.  As in, "I don't trust you either, so if I'm bad then so are you."

After what he's done, I can't see 50/50 ever happening, even if the country pushes it.  There's just too much history

And no the children won't hate you and run to him when they get older.  At least, not due to you.  the odds are against that happening.

He knows I have been dating someone and asked me if he has met the kids and if he is safe.

He's trying to say your judgment is poor and not to be trusted.  Like my ex does, anyone else is portrayed as a 'probable' abuser.  I'm trying to think of the words... . like every word he touches makes it icky, because if said by anyone else (who is reasonably normal) it would be okay, but with his history it's twisted, distorted.  Coming from a house-destroyer it's hypocritical, though he's slippery enough to make it hard for you to say it.

You're so right. It's fair that he doesn't trust me, afterall, my judgement was severely off when I became entwined with him.

I know that going against his proposed orders may not be received well by BPD/Nxh, and we have a court date in November already set. Of course I don't have or want to spend more money on that. But I will not let him railroad me in to an unsafe arrangement for the kids. Although I thought the experts were being too lenient with their recommendations, they are still the only authority that we have at this time and I need to go with their opinion.

Sigh. I wish there was an easier way. Actually, I can't believe this is still happening after almost 4 years from my first application.