How to come back after you've been hit by your BPD SO?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me. Male 26.

SO: Female 25. Diagnosis: BPD, Bipolar, and PTSD.

We had a perfect day yesterday. We were both off for the 1st time in a long time. We were cooking together, making jokes, having fun, watching movies, and all kinds of stuff.

Today is hell. We argue really bad on the carpool in. Very one-sided. She can't understand why she can't spend money on herself when it's "her" money (even though we are going to get married in 3 months and have a joint checking account) even thought we are barely scraping by. She is having electrolysis done, hair extensions put in, eyebrows tattoed, and a tattoo on her foot within the last 6 months... . electrolysis itself it going to cost us over $3k. She says she works hard for her money and should be able to spend it every once in a while. Me on the other hand, any dollar I have is put into the bank and stays there. I haven't spent money on myself for over a year b/c of how strapped we have been. I've sold most of our stuff to pay for bills, and we finally got caught up.

The new Playstation is coming out this year and I really wanted that for myself. I knew I couldn't spend any money I work hard for, so I decided to sell my Xbox, all 36 games, Kinect, and everything I had for it just so I can preorder it for myself. But then, once I get the money she needs new tires in her car. Which she absolutely did, and I understand she needed the money but I didn't want to give the money to her. I felt that she can spend and justify to me and herself all the reasons she buys the things that she does, but then I don't ever spend money on myself and the one time I say I can't help her she calls me a selfish child saying over and over again that she just doesn't understand why i need to put all that money towards it now. And I told her I would have never gotten rid of my Xbox anyway if it didn't mean I could be assured it could be replaced adding no additional money from our bank account towards it.

It got to the point in the argument that I yelled at her saying she should have thought of putting money aside when she signed up for electrolysis for hair removal (from her chin caused by PCOS), hair extensions, and permanent makeup tattoos. Then... . she hits me. Twice. Once in my stomach while i'm driving which actually hurt.

Drop her off at school. I skipped school, went home, took the money out of reserve for the playstation and got her her new tires put on by the time she got out. Then she acts like nothing happened except to say she is really very sorry for letting it get out of hand like that.

So what am I supposed to do now? She was physically abused as a child, her ex beat her to within a inch of her life a few times... . how violent he was, and how she hit me. I told her she crossed a boundary which I am not sure she can apologize enough for. She seems to be really sorry, but I don't think she really understands how big of a deal this is to me. I feel like the progress that was made in our relationship since her diagnosis in January all just went down the drain and am ready to jump ship. I am really not sure if she could promise me she will never do it again. But she gets these fits of rage... . she can get SO angry sometimes and can't for the life of her understand things from my perspective. Just plain can't grasp how she is doing what she is telling me is selfish. I feel like I am going crazy. I am in a state mentally where I don't know if I should just get the hell out now, or give her one last chance. She has never done this to me before, but what's to say it wouldn't happen again? And maybe after marriage?

Anyone else been in a situation like this? What do I do? And I feel weak posting this on here because i'm the freaking guy... . why should I be feeling this way? In my mind i'm saying it seems as if the abused has now become the abuser... . which isn't fair to say since this is only the first time but still. It really has me thinking.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

[SamsungUser86]

Me. Male 26.

SO: Female 25. Diagnosis: BPD, Bipolar, and PTSD.

We had a perfect day yesterday. We were both off for the 1st time in a long time. We were cooking together, making jokes, having fun, watching movies, and all kinds of stuff.

Today is hell. We argue really bad on the carpool in. Very one-sided. She can't understand why she can't spend money on herself when it's "her" money (even though we are going to get married in 3 months and have a joint checking account) even thought we are barely scraping by. She is having electrolysis done, hair extensions put in, eyebrows tattoed, and a tattoo on her foot within the last 6 months... . electrolysis itself it going to cost us over $3k. She says she works hard for her money and should be able to spend it every once in a while. Me on the other hand, any dollar I have is put into the bank and stays there. I haven't spent money on myself for over a year b/c of how strapped we have been. I've sold most of our stuff to pay for bills, and we finally got caught up.

The new Playstation is coming out this year and I really wanted that for myself. I knew I couldn't spend any money I work hard for, so I decided to sell my Xbox, all 36 games, Kinect, and everything I had for it just so I can preorder it for myself. But then, once I get the money she needs new tires in her car. Which she absolutely did, and I understand she needed the money but I didn't want to give the money to her. I felt that she can spend and justify to me and herself all the reasons she buys the things that she does, but then I don't ever spend money on myself and the one time I say I can't help her she calls me a selfish child saying over and over again that she just doesn't understand why i need to put all that money towards it now. And I told her I would have never gotten rid of my Xbox anyway if it didn't mean I could be assured it could be replaced adding no additional money from our bank account towards it.

It got to the point in the argument that I yelled at her saying she should have thought of putting money aside when she signed up for electrolysis for hair removal (from her chin caused by PCOS), hair extensions, and permanent makeup tattoos. Then... . she hits me. Twice. Once in my stomach while i'm driving which actually hurt.

Drop her off at school. I skipped school, went home, took the money out of reserve for the playstation and got her her new tires put on by the time she got out. Then she acts like nothing happened except to say she is really very sorry for letting it get out of hand like that.

So what am I supposed to do now? She was physically abused as a child, her ex beat her to within a inch of her life a few times... . how violent he was, and how she hit me. I told her she crossed a boundary which I am not sure she can apologize enough for. She seems to be really sorry, but I don't think she really understands how big of a deal this is to me. I feel like the progress that was made in our relationship since her diagnosis in January all just went down the drain and am ready to jump ship. I am really not sure if she could promise me she will never do it again. But she gets these fits of rage... . she can get SO angry sometimes and can't for the life of her understand things from my perspective. Just plain can't grasp how she is doing what she is telling me is selfish. I feel like I am going crazy. I am in a state mentally where I don't know if I should just get the hell out now, or give her one last chance. She has never done this to me before, but what's to say it wouldn't happen again? And maybe after marriage?

Anyone else been in a situation like this? What do I do? And I feel weak posting this on here because i'm the freaking guy... . why should I be feeling this way? In my mind i'm saying it seems as if the abused has now become the abuser... . which isn't fair to say since this is only the first time but still. It really has me thinking.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

That one is a tough one.

Physical violence is NEVER ok - even if it didn't hurt. She crossed a major boundary, and without some consequence she is likely to do it again the next time she loses her temper. I know that you mentioned you are in school. Most have free counseling services for students, so I suggest you make an appointment ASAP for some specific suggestions. As of right now, how have you been communicating with her? as in, what has your attitude towards her been? Also, how would you describe her attitude?

If she has been diagnosed and is seeing a counselor this needs to be brought up and dealt with there also.


As for her raging that she needed tires?

You aren't going to like hearing this, but you gave her exactly what she wanted - and it didn't cost her anything. You said you wouldn't then went and did it anyway. This sends mixed signals to her and teaches her that she shouldn't believe what you say, since you won't stick to your promises. It also places her needs/wants/desires above yours. She gets what she wants by pouting, getting angry, and attacking you - AND she gets rewarded for it. No consequences. No punishments. She is in absolute control. And the kicker is - you are the one giving it to her.

Breaking this pattern isn't going to be easy, after all, she has ZERO reason to change. She is getting all that she needs, so why should she? Change will have to come from you and it will require a lot of strength and determination to stay the course, cause I can guarantee that once you start making changes that things WILL get worse before they get better.

The good thing is that you are here seeking advice and support. Read and post as much as you can to help you through this. And make that app with the college counseling, they will help you work through the details... .

[waverider]

UFN makes good points. One extra I would add is that joint finances with a pwBPD will always be an issue. You really do need to separate out her spends, your spends, and a separate no touching bills account.

The self serving impulsive nature of BPD spending can be a nightmare.

[Rusalka]

She hits you and you go use your reserve money to buy her tires?

You just rewarded her for physically abusing you. She can apologize, but the louder part of her brain is telling her, "This is how far I can go not only to get what I want, but without repercussions!"

I know that being hit/beat there is a need to "placate" the abuser, to almost grovel and show that you are good in the hope that it won't happen again. But this achieves the exact opposite. The abuser learns that if they use violence against you, they get what they want AND don't have to feel truly sorry about it because YOU are the one apologizing. (which makes sense because it is natural to think "I got hit, therefore I MUST have done something wrong!"

So what happens next time is, even if you stand up to her and she hits you again, she will escalate it to another level to see if THAT gets her what she wants. So maybe next time she hits you harder, or more often. This sets up a vicious cycle where she is free to completely abuse you and you are being whittled down to not only having no needs of your own, but all your energy into her just to hope she doesn't hit you again.

[SamsungUser86]

She hits you and you go use your reserve money to buy her tires?

You just rewarded her for physically abusing you. She can apologize, but the louder part of her brain is telling her, "This is how far I can go not only to get what I want, but without repercussions!"

I know that being hit/beat there is a need to "placate" the abuser, to almost grovel and show that you are good in the hope that it won't happen again. But this achieves the exact opposite. The abuser learns that if they use violence against you, they get what they want AND don't have to feel truly sorry about it because YOU are the one apologizing. (which makes sense because it is natural to think "I got hit, therefore I MUST have done something wrong!"

So what happens next time is, even if you stand up to her and she hits you again, she will escalate it to another level to see if THAT gets her what she wants. So maybe next time she hits you harder, or more often. This sets up a vicious cycle where she is free to completely abuse you and you are being whittled down to not only having no needs of your own, but all your energy into her just to hope she doesn't hit you again.

What I made her understand is that I got her the tires so she would leave. I wasn't doing it because it's what she wanted or because I was trying to be nice. I was fully prepared to kick her out. I packed up some of her things and told her this. She said she really hates herself for letting it get so out of hand. She said she will seek counseling. And I made her promise it'll never happen again. She said it won't. I told her if it ever happens again I will walk. She started crying last night when we were talking about it and told me a bunch of times how sorry she was. She texted me today telling me how she really needs to move on her patience and understanding. So she is finding a counselor which I suppose is a good first step.

Did I say the right things? I'm trying to regain some sort of self respect for myself by laying it out to her and being straight forward without being mean and cold.

[lbjnltx]

Hello SamsungUser

Just wanted to pop in and greet you and give you a link to some information that may be of help to you.

TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [men]

lbjnltx

[waverider]

Often it takes exposure to an issue before we realize we need that boundary. So now is the heads up that she is capable of this, promises mean nothing during dysregulation. You also realize that it is unacceptable at a core level to you.

Now is the time to draw up a clear response that YOU will action if it happens again. There will be no point, if it happens again, drawing back on to previous promises and demanding compliance. Just clear cut predetermined actions on your behalf with little justification or explanations being made.

Do not say you will walk unless that is exactly what you will do. Once a boundary consequence becomes negotiated, then they all will. This is why boundary consequence are best thought out in advance rather than made up in the moment in a reactionary way.

[Rusalka]

I am sorry for not understanding your motive about the tires. It seemed from your post that her car was drivable before she hit you, so I didn't think about it might have been so she can leave. In the end, though, she still learned to get what she wants through extreme measures. Your motives aren't going to make her understand past what the reward center of her brain is telling her.

She can promise and say she is sorry all she wants. It's almost a cliche -- the abuser saying they "won't do it again". Every time my BPDmom would beat me, she would sob and sob afterwards and say she was sorry. And I have no doubt that she (and your girlfriend) ARE sorry, but it's still a learned behavior that it's OK to act out that way when there is no action taken against her.

Just be fully prepared to walk out for good if it happens again. Ultimatums are hard because you have no choice but to follow through, otherwise every boundary you set after that is meaningless.  In this case, of course there has to be an ultimatum because your safety is top priority and hitting someone is one of the worst breeches of trust and stability you can commit in a relationship.

I am sorry you have to go through this. It seems like it was completely unexpected for you; though her history suggests that she already had the basis for being abusive herself, that's why there are so many patterns/chains of abuse seen in families/relationships.

Just be safe and be careful. It's not up to you to appease her or do things that won't make her mad remember. It's completely up to HER not to act out in a way that is abusive.

[Chosen]

What I made her understand is that I got her the tires so she would leave. I wasn't doing it because it's what she wanted or because I was trying to be nice. I was fully prepared to kick her out. I packed up some of her things and told her this. She said she really hates herself for letting it get so out of hand. She said she will seek counseling. And I made her promise it'll never happen again. She said it won't. I told her if it ever happens again I will walk. She started crying last night when we were talking about it and told me a bunch of times how sorry she was. She texted me today telling me how she really needs to move on her patience and understanding. So she is finding a counselor which I suppose is a good first step.

Hi SamsungUser86,

First of all, I'm sorry about your situation.  Getting physical is not ok, and you should have a boundary in place for it.  If she feels that using physical violence can help her get a way, she will likely use it again (despite saying sorry).  After all, it is the easiest way to get something- no words or argument needed.  Trust me, I’ve been through it before and it is scary, but now I have a boundary in place (if my H tries to threaten me with physical violence, I leave to a safe place).

Although your intentions are good, unfortunately pwBPDs rarely care about intentions.  The result is that her tires for fixed.  Even if you told her this, I’m thinking it’s likely useless as they will put up with these things we tell them just so they can get what they want.  Much like a kid yelling so the parent would buy them sweets, if you buy the kid sweets but give him a lecture about how yelling is not correct, they will likely remember getting sweets as a result of yelling rather than being lectured for yelling.

Also, many times, pwBPDs are sorry for what they have done (ok… not my H, he never said sorry to me), but just think, “sorry”s are free of charge, and they would use these free tools to get what they want (us to stay, us to love them and not to leave them, to forgive whatever they did)… And you know hitting somebody is not just “lack of patience and understanding”.  I’m sure you have been really, really mad before but that doesn’t mean you hit people.  It’s an act of control and like some members said, they do it to test the waters, to see how much they can get away with.  Her seeing a counselor is good, but I doubt whether she would actually admit to the counselor she has hit you.

[united for now]

And if she doesn't follow through on seeing a counselor?

What will you do?

What will you say?

Will you allow her to give you excuses on why she can't anymore?

Will you listen as she tells you that she understands hitting is wrong and "promises" not to do it again?

Are you prepared to call the police if it happens again?

You see, people who get physical rarely follow through on the "promises" they make afterwards. There is a cycle to abuse that is well documented, and you are seeing the remorse stage. It rarely lasts. This is why I strongly encourage YOU to go see a counselor. The workshop on men's DV has some solid suggestions, the most important is to start thinking of what will "I" do if it happens again? also, creating a safety plan to give you some peace of mind.

You aren't alone in any of this.

Many men suffer from physical abuse. Way more than we realize  :'(