She's gone never to return again?

[scuba02]

As is sit hear I feel so so broken... . It all came and went so very fast... . the endless love the "soul mate" three weeks in, the endless calls texts and love letters,  the always "lets get back together"... . oh yeah and the insanity!

I feel like this time its finally for good... . long and short is my exBPD harassed a female friend of mine until she finally cracked and admitted we had been intimate once months ago... . Yes i cheated and i can hardly live with the fact that i ruined this whole thing... . The only thing I have keeping me afloat is i'm in recover and was sober the night I made the decision with my no longer friend... . I knew my relationship was missing something and I needed an emotional connection... . Someone i could actually talk to and get feedback from... . Not just amazing sex... . I tried to break it off with my exBPD many times but she just wouldn't have it... . All the while I suspected she had been working on a relationship with another man behind my back (caught her lying about going to visit him out of state)... . She found out of my indiscretion last Monday and as of two hours later she's in a public relationship with him (Facebook)... . She messaged me to say "leave me alone forever or i'll call the cops" "i'm finally happy with my amazing new man" and "you're the worst person i've ever met"... . NC since... . As fast a she took my world over she vanished in the blink of an eye... . After the relentless smear campaign i'm left in pieces ALONE 

Now I sit here wondering how is it I still care (couldn't stand to be around her when I was with her)? There was lying, cheating, stealing, verbal abuse (though never admitted)... . How can they do this with no remorse and i'm sitting here killing myself over the one mistake i've made... . Telling myself if I had never done this things would be ok... . Would they? Is she gone from my life for good? has anyone ever cheated and heard back from this person? Is she finally happy? And yes all of her relationships have ended the same... . Why the smear campaign if she had already moved on? Writing this I make my self sick... . When I thing of recycled I think of trash! I'm honest with myself and know i'm Codep but starting to think i'm the one with BPD and not her!

[delusionalxox]

BPD people exploit every possible weakness. They are masters and mistressses of this. Everything you ever did wrong, every flaw will be magnified and thrown at you until you feel like hiding from the world in shame.

Everything they do wrong will, however, be someone else's fault. Probably your fault. Or, it is simply NOT AS BAD as anything you did.

My own ex gave me sheer hell for messaging another ex while incredibly drunk the night before our first big recycle... . and saying 'flirtatious' things I couldn't remember saying. I apologised for them all but he tried to force confessions out of me that i had in fact slept with the guy and this wasn't true. He wanted me totally and completely shamed, begging him for forgiveness. It validated all his beliefs about how faithless and fake I was- and what an incredibly loving/forgiving hero he was 

It came up again and again, this proof of my ultimate faithless evil. In fact I was indeed very ambivalent about him- he was a nightmarish partner, abusive, intrusive and dominating while also incredibly needy. I should have stayed away rather than acting out- as should you- but heck, BPD relationships have a suction which is hard to believe until you got sucked back in. (In my case at least 6/7 times in 3 years :/)

I now think that in my drunken state I was actually trying to do the right thing eg leave him for good. But I took the weak option of latching on to someone else to 'help' me do it. I should have run a hiting mile... . but that night, I had an air ticket booked and I knew as soon as I saw those gorgeous brown eyes I would be straight back in the arms of Mr. Wrong... . and a good part of me did not like it and acted the hell up.

I ended that  night drunk on the floor of Gatwick airport- I really never normally behave like that :D- and fainted on the plane. I was totally out of it. My body was trying to save me from more of him, I think!

You know the punchline already I am sure. Ex had in fact been seeing someone else during the exact same split. He was receiving texts from her addressing him as 'darling' and vice versa when we were back together but they were 'just friends'. He had in fact dated and kissed her- far more than I had done with ex- and she was immediately picked up and recycled for our next split, when he immediately slept with her.

But what he had done wasn't that bad... . because 'I had dumped him not the other way round'... . and apparently he 'hadn't lied'... .  

Do not let these people blame you for being human and acting out your ambivalence. your ambivalence was telling you something important here.

[delusionalxox]

Another thing- whenever I catch myself wishing I could see ex again I remember the hypocrisy most clearly of all and it cuts the desire right off.

There is nothing more unattractive in my opinion than to adopt a moral posture you are clearly incapable of meeting yourself and to use it to attack another.

Remember that when you start to want your ex back, as you will. She is completely unaware of herself and completely toxic.

[Octoberfest]

Do not let these people blame you for being human and acting out your ambivalence. your ambivalence was telling you something important here.

I will disagree here.  Cheating is hited up, no matter the circumstance.  If you are unhappy, then leave.  Cheating in order to cope and stay in an unhappy relationship is bullhit.

I put myself in a compromising situation once when I was dating my BPDex.  About a month in of knowing her I was out partying and went back and slept in another girls bed.  We didn't kiss, we didn't have sex, we didn't do anything romantic.  But I slept in another girls bed. 

It remains my biggest regret.  I emotionally compromised myself.  Furthermore, it was the ONE big mistake that gave my BPDex any ground at all to hold over my head. 

After we broke up 9 months later, my BPDex called me crying one night saying she thought the new guy (the one she was cheating on me with most recently and that she went off with when i left her) might be cheating on her.  She asked what was wrong with her, why wasn't she good enough, why did every guy cheat on her.  I told her that cheating, NO MATTER WHAT, is fault and weakness of the person who does it.  No one MAKES someone cheat.  People CHOOSE to cheat.  I think at that moment I was lost in rescuer mode and didn't even consider the implications of my words in reference to HER, because she cheated on me all throughout our time together.

My point is, yeah, sure, your BPDex cheated on you, lied, abused you, whatever.  That gives you ZERO ground to go and do the same.  The whole "well it happened to me so im going to do it to others" idea is horse hit and if you live by that you have a quitters attitude.

[scuba02]

I totally agree here... . I let my guard down here and made a very bad choice... . When it was all said and done I was in love with her... . I had excepted who she was to some extent and it was my job never to let her down... . Thats why i sit here unable to live with myself and my actions... . Biggest mistake of my life to date

Is there any truth when people say this happened so you would't stay in a bad relationship? I would have never left her if she hadn't walked out the door

[delusionalxox]

You may misunderstand my nuance a  bit here Octoberfest... . I do not believe that cheating is right.

I just think that when in the BPD maelstrom we may do things we would not other wise do. I sure was completely nuts and out of it when I was chatting to my ex  (not that I cheated, but ex called it cheating, and battered me with it for the next 2 1/2 years... . I was a liar, a faker, a tart, a wanker... . etc).

It also meant that ex scanned my every conversation on email and text and accused me of increasingly gothic forms of cheating... . including orgies and female friends making appointments for me to sleep with their boyfriends, etc. Gay male friends would post on my wall and he would sulk and complain. A waiter assaulted me in Italy and I was blamed for encouraging it. Etc. Etc.  

Meanwhile what he did (he was the only person in our relationship who did sleep with anyone else) was ignored.

I think if you act out ambivalence to a BPD person by cheating you were in fact heading in the right direction and you should (as you say) have KEPT heading- AWAY FROM THE BPD PERSON.

The real mistake is to go back to them.

[shieldedheart]

I'm sorry for your pain.  

Please consider that you are still attracted to the 'thought' of her but in reality, you couldn't stand her.  You are idealizing her and that is normal.  But, be glad you aren't with her because you would surely never find peace with her knowing about the affair.  Even if everything in your relationship would be going strong, there is no way she could let that go.  Women are emotional beings and BPDs even more so.  Cheating is an emotional thing for them and it hurts them to the core.

Be glad you can move on eventually.  Try not to ponder 'what if' but 'what can you do for you' at this moment.  She is moved on for sure but realize, the new guy is not getting a better version of her, just the same broken woman that you can't stand to be around.  Also, expect her to be done with the new guy quickly.

Be kind to yourself.  don't worry about her.  If she comes back, it will be for the wrong reasons, most likely when she paints her new guy black.  But, it will never be as it was when you first started dating.  

Look for a healthy relationship that flows, not one you have to constantly work on.  You'll know.

[delusionalxox]

Funny shieldedheart... . I forgave ex cheating... . would have had an open relationship with him if he had wanted.it was the faking of 'eternal' friendship and dumping me completely alone and pregnant that finished me. I guess we all have different triggers.

[Octoberfest]

I totally agree here... . I let my guard down here and made a very bad choice... . When it was all said and done I was in love with her... . I had excepted who she was to some extent and it was my job never to let her down... . Thats why i sit here unable to live with myself and my actions... . Biggest mistake of my life to date

Is there any truth when people say this happened so you would't stay in a bad relationship? I would have never left her if she hadn't walked out the door

As in, did you cheat because you were not meant to stay in a bad relationship?

No.  We cheated because we were weak human beings.  If you are in a "bad" relationship, you leave.  By your own power.  You don't go and latch onto someone else and have them whisk you away.  That is BPD at its finest.

[TheDude]

scuba - Allow me to point out a few things that might help to see the forest for the trees. There's a few other things in play here that may deserve more of your attention than mental illness and/or infidelity.

In your first post here (yesterday, I believe), you stated that you met this girl while in the process of divorcing from "the love of my life". Is that correct? If so, you may want to consider that leap-frogging over healing into another relationship is a very unhealthy idea. That's pretty conventional wisdom.

Also, you stated her age (20?), and yours (34?). No offense to younger members here intended, but there's a notable difference in life experience and emotional maturity between the two of you. For example, you stated her not having been in a relationship longer than six months as an indicator of her 'disorder'. For a 30 or 40-something this would probably be a waving red flag. For a twenty year old? Not so much.

Do you have a counselor/therapist? It would be the best thing you ever did for yourself. We can't understand other's behaviors until we understand our own... .

[scuba02]

Thanks for all the comments and advice... . The past two years of my life have been extremely painful... . My past relationship and subsequent marriage lasted 18 years... . I was with my ex from the age of 16... . Married 7 years... . In that time she had 2 affairs one ending our marriage... . A pain I thought I would never get over... . It landed me in rehab and now have been sober for 1 1/2 years... . I'm very aware of working on myself and really have only scratched the surface... . I know that I can only work on myself and try and figure out what and why I did what I did... . Sure many factors at play... . I don't plan on entering another relationship for a good period of time... . Not until I have time to heal and work on my relationship with myself

After reading some and the comments that follow maybe i'm the one with the problem and not her... . Scary stuff! I'm sure as many of you know and feel is that you would just like the opportunity to make things right... . The one thing i do know is there are no perfect people... . thats life! But my maker hasn't brought me this far to leave me by the side of the road... . Its just hard not being able to say your sorry for hurting someone you love... . love or hate them!

[LosingIt2]

Octoberfest,

You're being very black and white with this belief of yours. Another example of BPD at it's finest.

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest,

You're being very black and white with this belief of yours. Another example of BPD at it's finest.

I realize I come over very strongly about the issue... . It is dually because of all the cheating my BPDex did on me and because I hold myself to a very high standard and see what I did the ONE time as unacceptable.

I am not saying that we are worthless people because we did it once.  I am saying that we were weak for doing it.  If we learn from it, then we are doing much better than most.

I am NOT excusing that the other partner (pwBPD) cheats, lies, steals, abuses.  I am NOT saying any of that is ok.  Maybe I just hold myself to a higher standard and that bled out in my posts here a little bit.

I just don't see any middle ground for cheating.  I guess I am rather black and white about it.  "Oh well they are cheating on me!" is not sufficient grounds in my book.  Leave them then.

[scuba02]

octoberfest... . Here's my dilemma... . I in know way condone my actions (they are killing me inside and out) nor do I excuse them for the actions of my partner... . I can honestly say I never want to feel this way again... . I will work through recovery to give my self the best possible chance at this (like i have with drinking one day at a time)... . I journey will be to figure out why I do what I do and then try to alleviate that burden within me... . The problem i'm having with this whole thing is how does this happen and then i'm gone and replaced with someone else the same day? I do see in color and believe everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance if they learn from it... . How is it that I forgive her actions and support her but i'm out the door as soon as I slip up? I mean a relationship status with the other man on facebook the very same day! Is it common for BPD to play two people at once? I feel I need to grieve this relationship even though it wasn't the best before jumping into another... . I need to work on me and make sure i don't make that critical lapse in judgement again... . Has she all of a sudden cleaned up her act for this new man? She's moving to Australia to study abroad next week for 4 months and will leave this new love interest in the states at college... .