When does the heart pain end?

[jippolito1969]

It's been a while since I checked back in with this site, but I do find the threads helpful. I broke up with my ex BPD gf almost 4 months ago. In the years time we were together, things were up and down. When things were good, they felt really good, but when they were bad, they were worse than horrible. From the onset of when we met, until just about a week ago (when I personally cut off communication) she became more and more verbally, mentally and physically abusive towards me. On the verbally abusive end, she would call me hurtful names ("like hit face," insult me (ex: tell me my body repulsed her), put down personal attributes (telling me my voice, for example, was too high and bothered her; on the mentally abusive end, she refused to acknowledge my feelings, told me I was the cause of all her problems, that I was the worst thing to ever happen to her, and pitted her 11-year-old daughter (who I grew close to) and others against me. Often times, when we were fighting, she would call up this one friend of her's claiming she felt unsafe, and needed him to resue her, when often times, it was just the opposite, with her coming at me in violent ways. She also threatened to call the police on me (and actually did once, even though she was the one beating up on me), threatened to kill herself and/or me. On the physically abusive end, she hit, kicked, punched, choked, slapped and pushed me. She also cut and beatup on herself infront of me and pulled a knife on me once, thrashing it around and laughing abou tit. Additionally, she would disassociate in front of me and on a few occassions almost blacked out. I can honestly say, I have never been through a relationship of this nature before. It saddens me deeply because I still care for her, and as a part of my own problems tend to try to save people. About 3 weeks ago, she cut me off almost immeidately following a disagreement we had over a silly Facebook comment, and has refused to talk to me since. On the flip side, I am kind of greatful because we just kept going around in ciricles and I am convinced had I continued seeing this woman I would have or could have ended up dead. I tried to encourage her to get help, but she more or less refused saying she is in therapy, which is true but sadly this particular therapsit is not really helping her, or so it appears. At any rate, I am finanlly out of the situation, although I am not convined she will not try to contact me at some point. I am, however, doing my best to stay strong and refrain from any contact I may make. It's been a week now and while it's been hard, I am also feeling good about that. Talking about this situatoin here helps too, because I know there are folks out there who understand. It is very hard being a man, who is abused by a woman in this way, not that it isn't hard for woman abused by men. However, there are many double standards and for example when that cop came out to the house, they automatically assumed I was the abuser and interogated me and questioned her. Haad she said anything that day to even suggest I hurt her in some physical way, I would have been arrested, and when I told the cops she actually came at me, they fluffed it off. I cannot tell you how much shame and sadness I feel, and also anger at times, but I am healing one moment at a time and just trying to make heads or tails of this situatoin as best I can, so I can move on in a healthy way.

[Pretty Woman]

Once you get your self worth back it will get better.

My relationship was only 11mo and it ended with her pulling me up a flight of stairs and spitting in my face. 

A week after this she ran off to Minnesota to be with her ex and smeared me to her entire family and friends. 

This happened a little over a month ago.

I know you are peobably still walking around in a fog.  I know I get angry, sad and then feel dead inside. 

You have to get you back and stop worrying about her.  She is not worried about you and the carnage she left in her wake. 

Just like you tried to save her and your relationship you need to save you. 

If you are not in counseling you should be.  Physical and mental abuse is serious and you need to work through that to move on. 

Today I am throwing out everything she ever gave me because the thing of most value she gave me was perspective.  I did not deserve this and neither did you. 

[Validation78]

Hey Jippolito!

Sorry to hear about what sounds like a painful and volatile relationship. I hope that you will take steps to stay safe, and to protect yourself from her anger, both from her acts of violence, and any false accusations she could make against you.

Of course you are feeling a lot of pain and mixed emotions at this time, new to separation. My heart goes out to you!

What are you doing to start on your healing path?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jippolito1969]

Thanks for offering words of encouragement. Sadly, on Sunday an incident happened that resulted in contact being made. This particular situation had nothing directly to do with me, but did involve my ex, her "bestfriend," who is also an enabler, and my ex's ex. Apparently, my ex's bestfriend was sending harrassing text messages to my ex's ex, and he contacted me to see if I knew who's phone number it was. Suffice it to say, I was indirectly involved b/c, while I do not know her ex, we clearly share a history with this woman and he felt strongly it was my ex texting him with this other person's phone. To be honest, I don't know, nor do I care what the truth was/is, but I ended up telling my ex's ex that this number belonged to her friend and an entire set of issues transpired after that. In some ways, I was glad to learn this information b/c it makes me realize, again, how much better off I am without this woman in my life. There is nothing but drama in her life, she brings it on, and causes uproar with others, and also manages to manipulate others, like this friend of hers, to engage in such drama with her. She then turns around, negates responsibility, lies about things and distorts the truth. The entire situation makes me ill, and while I am still struggling with my own intense feelings of separation and heart ache, drama like this makes me realize again how much better of f I am without her in my life. Frankly, it's all really upsetting and distrubing and makes no sense to me, but it's what makes her tick and that is very sad to me. As for taking care of myself. I have a few very supportive friends to talk with, and am seeing a therapist. I also have a number of things I am doing interest wise, and while it is hard to motivate sometimes, once I am able to focus on these things, I can usually pull myself out of the depression and sadness I feel.

[MarcinN7]

jippolito19

WOW, your story makes mine sound like a piece of cake by comparison.

Please stay strong, and be patient. The hurt will fade but it needs to take time and its natural. You can do it 

Since you have been in so much abuse i think this can shed some light for you on your situation:

www.drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

And this is also nice for the future

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

[anker]

it doesn't end suddenly, but the more you heal the less it hurts. the more care you take for yourself, the more it heals.

[heartcoaster]

My r/s was a rollercoaster and I thought those ups and downs would end once we went our separate ways.  Was I ever wrong about that!  Time is the only true antidote and there's no set amount for everyone.  I found that keeping busy and trying to focus on myself worked wonders.  Having a support network of great friends is also a big plus, even if they don't truly understand the nature of BPD like those on this forum.