How to Explain BPD?

[mil2bpd]

I think I'm learning a lesson this weekend.  DH and I have been away from home, with dear old friends with whom we've felt comfortable enough informing them of my son's current split with DIL and some of the background behind it. I tried to summarize a bit about BPD traits but they don't get it.  I actually snapped at my friend last night when she asked my husband the same thing she said to me twice during the day, "Why didn't your son see this before he had a child?".  Please. Spare me the lectures.  I think I'll be torn in the future from wanting to educate people about this disorder (so little is known about it to those unaffected, or think they're unaffected!) to wanting to shield myself, and DS, of such harsh comments.

How have others coped with this?

[isshebpd]

I've dreaded this too, partly because of the perception of BPD in pop culture. A lot of crazy, over-the-top women are said to have BPD with no proof. My uBPDmom is nothing like Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan, but I bet that's what many people would picture.

[Kwamina]

I usually don't talk to other people about my uBPD relatives in too much detail. I've come to the point that I've stopped lying about them and sometimes will say that they have severe mental and emotional problems but I often leave it at that. People who haven't experienced it themselves and/or don't have any knowledge of personality disorders will find it very hard to relate to certain things. I understand why your friend's question bothered you because it kinda implies that it's your son's own fault. I don't know how it was said of course but maybe your friend was just wondering how it was possible your son didn't pick up any red flags before since BPD is such a severe disorder. I have an uBPD mom and after all these years I'm seeing a lot of things I wasn't able to see before. But the red flags were definitely there, even long before I realized there was something wrong there were many signs. That doesn't mean it's my fault though, my uBPD mom is highly manipulative and that played a huge part in me not noticing certain things or choosing to ignore them. Another thing is that we often don't wanna notice certain things when it concerns the people we love.

[GeekyGirl]

It's so hard to explain BPD to people who haven't been exposed to it. To people who've seen my mother's erratic behavior (close friends) or people who have a background in psychology, it's a lot easier. My friends in the mental health field know exactly what "My mother has BPD" means. My friends who have seen my mother displaying BPD traits understand that she has a mental disorder.

To people who aren't familiar with BPD, I don't go into a lot of detail. I explain that my mother has different public and personal personas and that she has a condition that makes it difficult for her to maintain close relationships. I don't elaborate, usually.

I get where you're coming from when you say that you're torn about wanting to educate people and wanting to shield yourself. Only you can decide how much to share and with whom you share. People will generally mean well, but it's just so difficult for them to understand what BPD is and the impact it can have on entire families.   My advice is to trust your gut, share with the people you feel comfortable with, and explain to well-meaning-but-insensitive people that this is difficult for you and your son and you hope that they can understand that.

[swampped]

I think most people do not get it.  And that is okay---I figure it is not my role to educate every one I come in contact with.  It does hurt, though---and I've learned to say something like either "They are doing fine" or "They have divorced, but gd4 is doing well" when well-meaning people ask about our ds and his family.  For those who are closer, I say something like "There are some emotional problems there".   My friends in AlANon and close friends who work in mental health get the unabridged story---when it seems like they are able to listen and when I want to talk.  When I first found out about BPD I was anxious to pass on my knowledge to everyone, but I think we can be overbearing without meaning to, as in "TMI".    I suppose it is like any mental health issue---most people are uncomfortable, but every once in a while you come across someone who really does get it.  Those people are treasures.  It is so easy to be angry about this illness and the havoc it wreaks.  I think I need to be careful not to project that anger on undeserving friends.  Just my thoughts... .   Swampped