The big misconception

[wizard59]

Being a newbie here, from what I have read so far I am finding there is a pretty common theme running through a lot of stories--one that I think a lot of us dealing with uBPD DILs and SILs have been blindsided by. That being, we DID accept her, we DID try to love her! It was HER who rejected us!

This has been a major problem for my wife and I, particularly when dealing, not only with our son, but in dealing with other family members from both sides, who, when hearing about our family's being torn apart, climbed onto their soapboxes and started lecturing us that we must not have treated her right.

GRRRR!

Of course, when they lavish her with their attention and praise, she returns it pressed down and spilling over, keeping them completely ignorant of what our being "the targets" means, or how they are being used by a BPD to accomplish her agenda of alienating our son from us.

Just today, on Facebook, my brother, a former alcoholic, but probably now a prescription drug addict, living off of his wife's SS disability check, in a flop house in another state, posted comments to our DIL that praised her parenting skills. Then our dear Mom jumps on to "like his comments."

Really? When the school nurse was about to turn her--and my son over for negligence--and these people know it?

Both of these so-called loving family members of mine have been well informed of what she is and what she has done to our family--and they seem to LOVE it! Why? I suspect it is because my brother is such a dropout in life he is filled with resentment for me, and my mother lives alone (also out of state) and resents the fact I don't quit my job, marriage, life, etc and move in with her to be her handyman and chauffer.

I try very hard to consider the source, but it still fries my butt. I feel our son could "wake up" so much faster if he stopped getting so much morale support, but I can't find the words to convince these people that, no, we did not reject her. SHE REJECTED US!

Sorry, just needed to sound off.  

[Kwamina]

Hello wizard59 

They unfortunately really are very good at manipulating others aren't they?   I think you raise a very good point when you say that your brother and mother know about your DIL's bad behavior yet choose to ignore it. It's one thing when people are completely unaware of the BPD behavior but this sounds different. How long have you known/suspected your DIL has BPD? And did your mother and brother always take her side?

[wizard59]

Kwamina,

It was 3 years ago that our son, a loving, but full blown ADHD adult, unmedicated, stopped bellyaching about his wife and turned on us. A year or so later, grief stricken and confused, my wife and I went to a counselor and it took this professional all of 10 minutes to catch on to the BPD traits. As for my family, they never spent a whole lot of time on any of us until they found out we were hurting. My brother and wife have gone overboard to avoid meeting my grandkids or the DIL. Likewise, my wife's dad and one of her two brothers have also been using this. FIL is like my mother, wants his daughter's undivided attention when he's bored,( though the man won't claim her as family anymore because she is female and marred. She's my family now. Seriously pre-first century redneck.) Little BIL will hang anybody to get daddy's approval. DIL uses them all. Now, even from far away, my family via Facebook (just as dysfunctional) are playing the game. Any suggestions? So far, keep the hurt hidden, take nothing personal, seems to be the only thing remotely effective.

[Kwamina]

Not taking anything personally is very effective indeed. Not showing your emotions is something I do too. I try to keep things as superficial as possible, my uBPD mom & sis not only try to attack me when they see I'm hurting but have also tried to sour my mood when I was happy about things. Another thing that has worked for me is drastically lowering my expectations of my family members, I don't even really see them as complete inviduals now and fully expect them to misbehave. I've let go of the idea that they'll ever behave in a normal fashion. Maybe this will help you too... .

[wizard59]

Thanks Kwamina. Lowering expectations is exactly what I need to do, especially for Mom. Never had any for brother, but always thought my mother's success career wise and so on meant she was reasonably stable. Never the greatest at being a mom, and really not good at picking husbands--but not pure evil. Now I see how self-centered she has become.

This for me has been the hardest part of discovering a uBPD in our family. Seeing all the garbage spread throughout the family is hard to swallow. Thinking my wife and I need to stay in counseling just to be sure we know ourselves!

[joleeboo]

 I have had to deal with the same thing on facebook. It was my UBPD sil that threatened suicide if I did not let her see my children.  After a long stint of the silent treatment and  a lot of passive/aggressive post, and de activating her account I blocker her thus kicking her off my FB friends list. Then she started hacking close relatives accounts to get to me so I just hid those specific relatives so she did not get to me thru them. If I ever want to see what they have to say I can look them up but don't have to worry about her getting to me on a regular basis.

     Maybe you could not delete these relatives but hide them so you don't have the constant reminder.

After being a target of passived/aggressive post it is annoying to see anyone who makes those kind of post so I hide them.

[wizard59]

Hi Joleeboo,

Your advice is good for reducing our hurt, and I appreciate it. Seriously thinking I will just become bored with Facebook entirely and stop looking at it. Not much of value on there anyway.

Still, that doesn't help my son wake up. Guess he is just going to have to suffer the consequences when his wife no longer has us to focus her rage on, and when he does I'll be the first one in line to tell his grandparents and uncles, told ya so!

Me, I'll survive.

Thank you for the advice and the sympathetic heart! Your situation sounds even worse than mine! Wish I could give you and others the words to say that would change things.