Discard and Closure

[stop2think]

  all,

In the absence of a good therapist (although i am still hunting  ), i have been trying to heal myself with knowledge gathering and looking inwards constantly. I frequent here to seek answers, to understand and learn from others' experiences and connecting with the stories here.

One of the things that replays in my mind is the last one week with my exbf. Oh, and yea i am a bit relieved after much research that he matches the hallmarks of Passive aggressive and with a mix of BPD/NPD (mildly) - a cross over perhaps.

Time: January - February (breakup and post break up)

After he broke up with me, he asked me to never return to meet him and when i returned home he called me up and asked me to NEVER contact him again. I was SHOKCKED he said that. Out of desperacy i contacted his friends who knew us and were astonished to know 'he broke up' with me as he would tell them how much he loved me. (Yea sure!)

I called him a couple of times but he said he would not change his decision, and he is too frustrated. He also constantly said it was 'practical' thing to do for both of us. The last 4 months have been too much negativity for him and did not want to give us any more chances. (I busted him about the things he hid from me i.e; hanging out with another girl and meeting his exgf which he blatantly denied - instead he blamed me for snooping into his emails and that he cannot trust me anymore. Numerous apologies from my end made no difference now)

So back to the time when his friends tried talking to him, and he told them "I always answered her calls, she can call me if she wants to but i won't change my mind". What was trying to do - be a nice person? What was he proving to others or to himself - blame me, yell at me, then go cold?

Is this 'Closure'?

He broke up with me, and shut all doors. He was pissed off if i would cry or ask him just one more chance because i really loved him and i changed myself (i din't have to honestly) just to make him happy - he said it was too late too little!

This is maddening and i need your thoughts and insights to analyse this bit. Thank you for reading folks!

[Tired68]

Love yourself more!

[draft]

Sadly your ex doesn't sound so strong. I wouldn't rely on much positive coming from there.

If we forget your ex for the moment, what have you changed to make yourself happy?

[Bananas]

s2t,

I had a similar experience.  My ex uNPD/BPDbf never broke up with me, instead I found out from a mutual friend that he was moving in with another woman.  When I called him on it, he had absolutely nothing to say to me, except "i owe you no explanation, you need to get over it and move on".  Naturally I was devastated, by the actions, but even more so by his lack of accountability and dismissiveness of me, and us.  Mind you we were planning a vacation together just days before. 

so a couple weeks later the same friend contacts me telling me ex is distraught, has been texting him 20+ times a day and wants to "fix" things with me, wants to make things right, wants to talk to me, he misses me, blah blah blah... .   I tell the friend OK, if he wants to talk, then he can contact me and we will talk.

I remember feeling relieved.  Wow, he is human, he actually feels sorry,  feels some regret for how he handled things, wants to offer closure.  Not the case.  Instead, the next day I get a series of hateful texts about how I am a crazy person, that he has "nothing to say to me that he hasn't told me 100 times", (he never told me anything or admitted to anything once regarding "the breakup" I "ruined his life", I have "ruined all his friendships" and how happy he is with his new gf and I need to "leave him alone, get over it and move on".

So I think it is nothing other than to make themselves look good in front of others.  I think it is 100% about them and nothing about us.  Sad yes.  But for me, just another confirmation about how disordered he is.     

[crystalclear]

s2t,

So I think it is nothing other than to make themselves look good in front of others.  I think it is 100% about them and nothing about us.  Sad yes.  But for me, just another confirmation about how disordered he is.      

Very true indeed.

We are just a means to meet their end. And his agenda was 'simply find a woman to get married' to. He really tried hard, but the day things were not going his way and endless arguements began to frustrate him - the devaluation was nearing discard. He waited for the 'right' moment to drop me off.

One BIG   is when they DO NOT 'participate' in resolving issues, or have a 'healthy' constructive discussion where they recognise their mistakes and 'actually' work on it. Mind you they could easily fake this too - but give it time and when we do not give a 'timeline' they show themselves. It's all a game of disguise and control.

[Trick1004]

Keep walking away and do what you can to completely cut them out of your life. These people are unhealthy and will only  keep making you miserable. It hurts, it sucks, but do you really want to keep re-playing these situations over and over again in the future?

[MarcinN7]

One BIG   is when they DO NOT 'participate' in resolving issues, or have a 'healthy' constructive discussion where they recognise their mistakes and 'actually' work on it. Mind you they could easily fake this too - but give it time and when we do not give a 'timeline' they show themselves. It's all a game of disguise and control.

Problem solving was almost impossible with my ex. If there was a problem to be resolved she would:

- sabotage the whole discussion with sex

- constantly change the topic/problem when her very few arguments fell flat with the phrase: "but what i really meant was X"

- blame me for something

- circular arguments to the point of exhaustion, then she would initiate sex

For me "problems" are things that lead to arguments. I`m normally a really easy going person. I can stand my ground but i`m not seeking confrontation. But since the things that lead to arguments stem from her need to distance herself they never really had any logical explanation that we could discuss or resolve. So the constant arguments lasted 7 out of 8 years of us being together. The longest time without an argument was 2.5 months but when she imploded from this she imploded hard with crying etc. i didnt know what is going on   since everything was seemingly starting to go smooth although i could sense the pressure building inside of her. I didnt know what caused this

One time she told me, she liked to make me mad with arguments because the sex was better afterwards when i was angry .

The truth is i hated sex after she argued with me for no reason. I didnt want to be near her even after each ordeal. But she wanted to hug, and be all cuddly etc. like nothing happened. I think this can be linked to her seeking control over me. I think its something like: "If she is in control she cannot be abandoned.". Or maybe this was a way to see if i`m still into her by pushing me away and then drawing me back in.

Later in the relationship she learned to fake resolving issues. We would argue, but much shorter after which she could even apologize if she was at fault but this apology or resolution was NEVER truthful. An hour later she could argue with me about the same subject that we resolved like the previous discussion never happened. Or a day later, or a month.

[stop2think]

[

We are just a means to meet their end. And his agenda was 'simply find a woman to get married' to. He really tried hard, but the day things were not going his way and endless arguements began to frustrate him - the devaluation was nearing discard. He waited for the 'right' moment to drop me off.

You have mirrored my experience here. I recollect he would always be thinking, and silent. He looked withdrawn during this phase.

One time she told me, she liked to make me mad with arguments because the sex was better afterwards when i was angry .

The truth is i hated sex after she argued with me for no reason. I didnt want to be near her even after each ordeal. But she wanted to hug, and be all cuddly etc. like nothing happened. I think this can be linked to her seeking control over me. I think its something like: "If she is in control she cannot be abandoned.". Or maybe this was a way to see if i`m still into her by pushing me away and then drawing me back in.

Later in the relationship she learned to fake resolving issues. We would argue, but much shorter after which she could even apologize if she was at fault but this apology or resolution was NEVER truthful. An hour later she could argue with me about the same subject that we resolved like the previous discussion never happened. Or a day later, or a month.

One of the things from day 1 which i now see as a  is he was not interested in sex. He said sex was not one of the most important things for him. He was an angry - moody man, hence i was hestitant to initiate it like ever. I would wait for him to initiate and it seemed like something bothers him about it. One wrong move and he would get angry. Weird pattern but it was only 2 maximum in the 10 days i would be with him when i traveled to be with him. And if after an arguement i would decide to leave, he would shoot his emotional dialogues and that night indulge into sex.

Yes he would apologise after arguments, and they seemed geniune then. Subtly blame me for his behavior and wanted me to give him top priority by responsding to his calls and texts when out with my friends. Today, none of this makes any sense.