This is so unbelievable Complete change ... AGAIN

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it has gotten really out of hand this last week or so with my undiagnosed BPDex. I am very sure he is BPD though. Here is just another example of the quick flip in behavior he has shown.

I told him i was getting a protective order. He got even more angry. Kept calling emails you name it. Even more written threats to me and my family. Not out right threats of bodily harm, but threats of coming to see me and "you will see me" kinds of things.

Well I decide to talk calmly to him when he calls yesterday. I know he is hurting and I dont want to provoke further. He just kept saying in addition to the threats that he only wanted to talk to me. He wanted my attention and time. I thought it may settle him down and defuse things while i get my things in order. He is still 3 hours from me and has no transportation so I knew I was safe.

So, He calls and I answer. He wanted to go over things again. Still blaming but i was aware that thoses  things would happen. I decided to accept blame. Everything he said, I validated. He said i was selfish and I agreed. He said the drugs were why he was behaving badly. I said those horrible drugs did it all. He said I had watched him fail and destroyed his life. I said yes I did. I apologized for it all. He began crying uncontrollably. Kept sayilng how wonderful we wold have been etc... . Then he just to enjoy my family and take care of myself.

Mind you, I had told everyone who needed to know i was making this call exactly what I was going to do to defuse this situation if possible. So, when this moves forward, i have witnesses etc. and I also had a witness to the conversation and all that was said. I didnt do this without much thought and consideration.

Then this is where is gets more under the BPD influence. He emails me. Tells me of a job he is going to down south with a family member and that he will be gone a few weeks. Details about the work being done. followed by how he is coming back afterward, only to pack his belongings and move to where his is currently staying with family. He has lost his home etc... . Then came the I will always love you , I will never not answer when you call, I only ever loved you... . etc... . but then there was He was never enough and would never be enough. He was not good enough... . etc. Then he wished me the world and praised me.thanked me for allowing him to love me and be a part of my life for the time we shared. I am white again.

If you read my last post about this weeks events, I was completely the devils spawn. He even call me horrible names. As of last night he said I was a "pill popping wh*re". Not at all who I am.

Here is another layer to the story. His family calls to tell me he will be back up here tomorrow night.  They know he has been lying and threatening etc. They have been nice in letting me know his whereabouts for my safety. His father was apparently abusive and they see that in his nature and know he has lied to them.He was offered the work he mentioned. He told them he couldnt do it because he has to get back to his home. He and hew gf were organizing her thing in the home. She is helping him find work up here. She will be paying his bills until he can get back on his feet then they will be sharing the expenses. He isnt losing his home. He isnt moving. Detailed lie he gave me. Much like the doctor he described that never occurred.

So, how did this make me feel? Well, It hurt to hear how he views things that happened. It made me question my actions and why I did what I did. Not in a way that I question my motives. In a good, self examining way, if that makes sense? I realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man is very troubled. It makes me angry that he can be so abusive and  lie so blatantly, then think he is doing nothing wrong. That he can just behave this way and get away with it. ( for lack of a different way to say it). But I can hold him accountable and not allow it to happen to me again.

Regardless of what he thinks or how I am painted, I know my heart and true intentions. This is painful and scary and I know it isnt over and is going to get uglier. But I am going to do all I can to see that me an my children come out of this better and stronger than when this all began. That is my promise to myself.

I probably shouldnt have replied. But it was spinning out of control and after talking things over with people who are helping and supporting me, i decided to try it. I also know I wont hear from him for these next few weeks. he wont dare contact me knowing he had told me he was going to be gone for that long working etc... . then with the lie of him moving etc. I also know he is trying to dodge the protective order. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They have every address I have for him. I know he was trying to manipulate me into not getting the order. I also know he thinks it worked. He believes he can wish me well and I will let the threats he made go. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. This is his accountability.

I am staying safe and keeping my family safe. i wont allowed my fear and pain control me. I wont allow him to hurt or control me.

[clover528]

So it has gotten really out of hand this last week or so with my undiagnosed BPDex. I am very sure he is BPD though. Here is just another example of the quick flip in behavior he has shown.

I told him i was getting a protective order. He got even more angry. Kept calling emails you name it. Even more written threats to me and my family. Not out right threats of bodily harm, but threats of coming to see me and "you will see me" kinds of things.

Well I decide to talk calmly to him when he calls yesterday. I know he is hurting and I dont want to provoke further. He just kept saying in addition to the threats that he only wanted to talk to me. He wanted my attention and time. I thought it may settle him down and defuse things while i get my things in order. He is still 3 hours from me and has no transportation so I knew I was safe.

So, He calls and I answer. He wanted to go over things again. Still blaming but i was aware that thoses  things would happen. I decided to accept blame. Everything he said, I validated. He said i was selfish and I agreed. He said the drugs were why he was behaving badly. I said those horrible drugs did it all. He said I had watched him fail and destroyed his life. I said yes I did. I apologized for it all. He began crying uncontrollably. Kept sayilng how wonderful we wold have been etc... . Then he just to enjoy my family and take care of myself.

Mind you, I had told everyone who needed to know i was making this call exactly what I was going to do to defuse this situation if possible. So, when this moves forward, i have witnesses etc. and I also had a witness to the conversation and all that was said. I didnt do this without much thought and consideration.

Then this is where is gets more under the BPD influence. He emails me. Tells me of a job he is going to down south with a family member and that he will be gone a few weeks. Details about the work being done. followed by how he is coming back afterward, only to pack his belongings and move to where his is currently staying with family. He has lost his home etc... . Then came the I will always love you , I will never not answer when you call, I only ever loved you... . etc... . but then there was He was never enough and would never be enough. He was not good enough... . etc. Then he wished me the world and praised me.thanked me for allowing him to love me and be a part of my life for the time we shared. I am white again.

If you read my last post about this weeks events, I was completely the devils spawn. He even call me horrible names. As of last night he said I was a "pill popping wh*re". Not at all who I am.

Here is another layer to the story. His family calls to tell me he will be back up here tomorrow night.  They know he has been lying and threatening etc. They have been nice in letting me know his whereabouts for my safety. His father was apparently abusive and they see that in his nature and know he has lied to them.He was offered the work he mentioned. He told them he couldnt do it because he has to get back to his home. He and hew gf were organizing her thing in the home. She is helping him find work up here. She will be paying his bills until he can get back on his feet then they will be sharing the expenses. He isnt losing his home. He isnt moving. Detailed lie he gave me. Much like the doctor he described that never occurred.

So, how did this make me feel? Well, It hurt to hear how he views things that happened. It made me question my actions and why I did what I did. Not in a way that I question my motives. In a good, self examining way, if that makes sense? I realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man is very troubled. It makes me angry that he can be so abusive and  lie so blatantly, then think he is doing nothing wrong. That he can just behave this way and get away with it. ( for lack of a different way to say it). But I can hold him accountable and not allow it to happen to me again.

Regardless of what he thinks or how I am painted, I know my heart and true intentions. This is painful and scary and I know it isnt over and is going to get uglier. But I am going to do all I can to see that me an my children come out of this better and stronger than when this all began. That is my promise to myself.

I probably shouldnt have replied. But it was spinning out of control and after talking things over with people who are helping and supporting me, i decided to try it. I also know I wont hear from him for these next few weeks. he wont dare contact me knowing he had told me he was going to be gone for that long working etc... . then with the lie of him moving etc. I also know he is trying to dodge the protective order. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They have every address I have for him. I know he was trying to manipulate me into not getting the order. I also know he thinks it worked. He believes he can wish me well and I will let the threats he made go. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. This is his accountability.

I am staying safe and keeping my family safe. i wont allowed my fear and pain control me. I wont allow him to hurt or control me.

[Rusalka]

Please stay safe.

People here keep advising you to stay NC and as you are seeing it only leads to more craziness and turmoil and extinction bursts when you aren't consistent. I know it is hard but you are basically giving in to his demands, he will never, ever learn from that.

Is this situation so "unbelievable"? You told him you were getting a protective order! (Why?) How did you think he would react to being told that? You told him he was in the right all along and you were the wrong one. There is validation, and there is letting your own self and values be trampled on.

I have followed your last few threads and you are winding more and more into a spiral of self defeating behavior. I understand it is hard, but every time you let him escalate in order to get you to answer an email or a text you are simply teaching him that it is OK to treat you that way.

Try to see it from an outside perspective. Think of your D being older and a guy threatening her, being abusive, being two faced while with another woman. Think how you'd feel if she kept giving in to his bait and just accepted the abuse in order to placate him. Please, please take a step back and see how much in the FOG you are becoming!

I hope you stay safe and please, please don't tell him every step you are making against him as it will just complicate things further. I worry about you in this situation. Stay safe!

[charred]

Ask most people what the opposite of love is and they will say "hate". But they would be wrong, the opposite of love (a strong emotional state) is not hate (a strong emotional state)... . but rather indifference.

The opposite of really caring about someone is not caring at all.

Your concern for him "getting away with something", and injecting yourself back in to the r/s via contact, ... . which you have said was a mistake... . isn't helping end anything.

Getting a protective order... . doesn't actually physically protect you, it makes a private matter public, with embarrassment for the other person... . and can trigger them if they are disordered. If they are truly a danger to you... . get safely completely away from the situation.

Its hard to argue with someone that is indifferent and does't respond... . that is much of what it takes to actually detach from a relationship.

[MammaMia]

Good advice Charred and Rusalka

Clover you must come to a conclusion.  This relationship is toxic.  Please realize that you have choices to make.  Do you want the harassment to continue?  Do you want to continue to live in fear?  This is your ex's attempt to suck you back into the BPD whirlwind which allows his bad behavior to continue.  To make it stop you need to be strong and consistent.

NC will make him angry, an order of protection will make him angry.  To resume your relationship will make him angry.  Continued conversations will make him angry because he will twist them all around.

Get the picture?  It is a control issue so common in BPD. 

Please, for your sake and the sake of your family, make a decision and stick to it.  Be prepared to have consequences no matter what you decide.

This is BPD.  It is a no-win situation.  The important issue here is the safety of you and your family.  You will need to decide if the relationship is over and then stand by that decision to protect those you love.  Do not be vengeful, as stated before the only way to get the message through is detachment and the ability to recognize the relationship for what it really is and then flip the emotional switch to "off" and move on.  This takes great personal courage and commitment.

[clover528]

I never even thought of things that way. I have so much to learn. Now I am feeling foolish. I fell for his push and threats again. I should have seen it! I am very much in need of counsel from someone who understands BPD more than myself or those supporting me. I wont cave again. I am not going to give in.

I was thinking from a rational staNPDoint. I was remembering that he saw me as his knight and he couldnt accept his wrongs. I thought if I gave him validation, he would let go easier. Never did I consider this being what you all have pointed out.

Thank you for the replies. i hope i havent caused myself too mush of a setback. God help me.

[clover528]

I am so disappointed in myself. I am reading your replies and it seems so dang obvious! I am trying to not he hurtful and cruel to him when he is so hurtful and cruel to me. for the life of me, I do not handle confrontation well. I keep searching for a peaceful means to an end. Is that even possible here?

I am crying my heart out over this whole mess. He is seemingly fine. I am searching for ways to deal with him and myself. Confused, angry, confounded,  sad, overwhelmed, scared, all wrapped up in one! I am sick everyday with worry. I keep thinking he is somewhere watching my every move. He would do that sometimes. Or at least say he did. I am really struggling here.

what next? I am looking for an attorney who understands the complexity of this situation. A therapist who specializes in BPD. I am reading as much as possible. Trying to implement what I learn. apparently not doing so well with the implementation of such knowledge.

I know i have weaknesses and behaviors that need to be addressed. I have so much work to do to be healthy. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. I am trying to take a deep breath and not beat myself up. Its not easy at the moment.

Advice? direction? anything someone could add?

[FogLight]

Don't be so hard on yourself!  Don't worry about how you handled the situation, it's not as big of a deal as you may think.  Look at it this way, who is to say things would have gone better one way or the other?  Who could really know?  It's not like a DVD with alternate endings that you can choose between to see either outcome, so don't worry about what coulda been shoulda been woulda been, it's all subjective.

You're going through with the protective order, you're looking for a therapist, you're learning as much as you can about the situation so you can handle it the best way you know how.  So what if it's not the perfect ace in the hole solution?  Maybe you won't handle it 100% perfectly, so what?  Yeah maybe you're still trying to be gentle with him, but least your intentions are for your own safety.

So, with that said, don't beat yourself up for what you do before and start focusing more on how you will handle things now and later.  My advice is still to remain NC, he may get all borderline and start making threats, but if his only avenues are text and email then at least they're recorded.  Go through whatever legal routes you have, if he knows he could go to jail for messing with you then he'll likely back off, otherwise he is risking abandonment from the new victim who also happens to be his financial support.

Anyway, you know your situation better than any of us here, so you'll know what to do.  Don't be afraid to rely on your own judgment, that's part of what kept a lot of us in those toxic relationships.  Just focus on from now on, we can't change what we did before and that's not to say changing it would have helped anyway.

[clover528]

thank you Foglight. i really like the name too. seems I could use one right about now. Well that and a crystal ball... . IF ONLY!   i am trying to not worry. Its hard to not beat myself up. Im good at that even on my best days. I appreciate the reply.

[Rusalka]

You're only human, hon. I mean, I've known my pwBPD (mom) literally 38 years and I've been on this board for... . 2? years, and I STILL fall for her tricks every now and then! And, oh, I get SO MAD at myself too! How could I have believed that? why didn't I see it?

But that's why this board is here, in a way. Because we all KNOW what you are going through and have been there, and even if we are no nonsense and blunt (as I know I am  ) it's really because we are like the audience in a movie theater watching a movie play out where we know the "bad guy" is behind the door and we're all yelling NO NO HE'S IN THERE 

When you are used to a certain pattern of behavior (even a dysfunctional one) it is hard to break out of. It's hard to believe that someone can think SO differently from ourselves and those around us. Just keep in mind that just because they don't ACT irrational doesn't mean their thinking isn't irrational. It's just when they act out on it that we really see how they have felt the entire time.

[MammaMia]

Clover

Don't you DARE feel stupid.  You are not.  You are doing all the right things.  One of the characteristics of BPD is the ability to manipulate others.  They are so good at it that people do not know what hit them until it is too late.  We have all been where you are and some of us are still there.  My pwBPD is my son.  Some days I wish I could divorce him... .

You are doing all you can to resolve the issues at hand and dissolve the relationship.  What is your ex doing except for making promises you know he will not keep?  Nothing... . exactly.  To expect pwBPD to be rational will not happen.  We can hear the exact same conversation they do and have totally opposite interpretations.  Their thought processes are broken.

You are stronger than you realize.  You ARE taking control.  Stay NC.  Let your lawyer do the talking when you find one you are comfortable with.  I am sorry you are going through this but you have made great strides, and we are proud of you.

[ColoradoLady]

Clover, There isn't any of us on this board who haven't wished that we had done or said something differently in the relationships with BPD people in our lives.  Be kind to yourself and know that you ARE making strides and taking control.  Hang in there and know that we are all here for you! 

[clover528]

Thank you all very much for being so honest, staying here to give advice to those of us who are in need, and also for being so understanding.

I am really angry right now.  All this time i havent really known about his new love interest, save what he has said or what his family has said. i only recently found out her name. Well i went fishing and found her on fb.  There were all these photos of them together. Pictures of him laughing with the kids and hugging her etc.

He has tortured me for months. Lied so much and keeps lying and threatening me. He scares the hell out of me then goes off smiling? I am mad. He claims to love only me and makes me feel like crap for breathing in his absense. All the while he is loving it up and living it up with her. Dont get me wrong here. I know they are honeymooners and the flip will come. Tell me how can they do that? just terrorize us and go their merry way acting as if they never said or done those horrible things?

Yes this is a disorder. I get that. But dang it! In this moment I just feel like he is the biggest jerk that ever lived! He has been cruel if i went to a function with my kids! I feel so stupid for not looking for more before now. I had looked for him sure. But he never put anything out there. But she has these past few months completely photo journaled. It made my stomach hurt.

I am really angry. i knew he was lying. I am not suprized by that. but the dates and times on these pics and me knowing what he was saying to me at those times. It is wrong!

I just needed to vent. I havent slept. Have cried. Am worried all the time. Am taking care of my kids. am spending money for attornies and doctors and therapists. He is off frolicking in a field, laughing like nothing is going on.

Thoughts? Cause my mind is going to the dark side right now.

[Clearmind]

Complete change? Really a Borderline does a complete switch!  

In a good, self examining way, if that makes sense?

Apart from understanding that his actions are disordered, what have you learnt about you (not him)?

How can you take the power back - torturing and emails and contact can be dealt with Clover! What actions are YOU taking?

[ColoradoLady]

TAKING THE POWER BACK!  Words of wisdom for all of us.   

[clover528]

I have learned that I have abandonment issues. I have been in and out of therapy for so long. Depression and anxiety.  I am very dependent. I have problems saying no to anyone especially in an authority position. I have to quit trying to save people from themselves and quit trying to push down my feelings when someone hurts me. it isnt ok to be hurt by another person. Love doesnt hurt you. Not emotionally. Emotional pain is very real and needs to be felt. Not analyzed and put away as if it is justified or explainable. Somethings cant be explained away. some people will do bad things and it isnt ok. There should be consequeces. I have a very bad habit of putting the bad things aside and focusing on finding the good. not everyone is going to deserve that focus. I have to feel the pain that I need to and Identify my own emotions and accept that it is ok to get angry about things.

I havent done enough to stop his torture. I have focused on trying to save him. Get him to see that he is more than his pain. I havent held to no contact out of fear. I am so enmeshed that the anxiety i feel being in the dark about what he is thinking that i cant deal with it. I realized he was a destraction. from my true pain, but I did love this man. I havent let that go. i havent let go of the dream of us. I havent accepted deep down that he is disordered. That is keeping me answering his calls when i know he wont change and will only get worse. I am very weak. I am very scared.

an episode of friends comes to mind right now. Its the one where Racheal is wanting to tell Ross she loves him. She decides she is making poor decisions about her love life and Monica volunteers to make her decisions regarding matters of the heart for her. I wish I had a Monica to help me decide how to handle him and take over. my judgement is so far off the mark.

I have an attorney friend trying to find an the appropriate people to help me. I have all the information to give to the authorities for the protective order. I am afraid to follow through with it. I am walking on eggshells in his absence. I am trying to take control by being proactive and going to court for custody. but then again, I am still so intimidated. I have never been in this kind of relationship. Never experienced abuse in any love relationship I have ever had.

In one article I read on here or somewhere, it likened being in a relationship with a pwBPD as being caught in an avalanche and not knowing which way is up or down. I feel very much like that right now. I am second guessing my every move.

so has this confused you all as much as it has me trying to get it all out?

[MammaMia]

Clover

Yup.  He is definitely a candidate for Jerk of the Year.  

Are you legally separated?  If not, the fb information may be a useful tool during divorce proceedings.

For that reason, you may want to consider not telling him you found the pictures on fb, but I would make sure someone you trust also sees them.  If possible document what you have seen, in case she decides to delete everything. Your attorney will love this information, should he deny any extramarital involvement with another woman.  

On the other hand, I would caution you about checking her fb in the future.  Part of ending a relationship is letting go, not perpetuating more emotional trauma on yourself.  AND, It is ok to vent ... . we all do it.  It is safe here, and it feels good to share our frustration and anger in a safe place.   No one here will judge you for being human and feeling betrayed.   We have all been there, done that.  

[winston72]

Hey Clover,

That is a pretty amazing post.  It is quite clear, not confusing at all.  I fully understand how distressing and disturbing it feels inside, but your thinking has evolved even over the course of this thread.  You are on the road to a positive resolution and, truly, a better life.  

By the way, I sympathize with your anger after seeing the photos on FB.  With full awareness of his disorder, he is acting like a jerk and a bully.  Stay on the course you have chosen... . it is the only way forward... . and it is a way that leads to good things for you.

[ColoradoLady]

Clover,

Your post shows a great deal of personal insight.  Be proud of how far you have come!

I too struggle at times with accepting that my ex has BPD.  For so long I explained his behaviors away as being stress related to financial and work issues. However, I now know that no amount of my loving him or being there for him is going to fix the internal issues that are rooted so deeply within him.  My counselor used the phrase that "it's ingrained in his DNA" and asked me if I want to continue to be his emotional support for many years to come, and most likely forever.  She keeps reminding me that I need to continue to think about what I want for my life from this point forward.

I'm impressed with you last comment:   "i wont allowed my fear and pain control me. I wont allow him to hurt or control me."  

 

 

[clover528]

mama,

We were never married. We were friends, those at a distance it seems, for many years before we began our relationship. It went fast as all BPD r/s do. after a few months I moved in with him and his kids. Then became pregnant. Then i  left. We kept the r/s going for the next couple years. I realized his abuse was worsening. I was looking for information on abusive relationships and why women stay and love those type of men. I found BPD and here i am. He hasnt been involved with d. He has only spent maybe 24 hours total with her since her birth and that is a stretch. I did keep her away from him with purpose. Maybe that seems mean or unfair but I knew he was unstable and he was an addict. I could handle myself. She is innocent. I am glad I did so. not every situation with a pwBPD is the same. but his behaviors were such that I felt in my stomach i should keep her back and i followed that instinct.

As far as the photos, I wont be visiting that page anytime soon. It was not a good thing. I am not going to seek revenge. although the dark side would enjoy that. I am not the fighting kind. Let me rephrase that. i might not fight for myself. but mess with my kids and you have another thing coming. and to be honest, you wont see it coming either.

I am sure any parent feels that way.  :) and my boys are where I am finding my strength. I have made mistakes, but i will not allow my children to suffer them, if there is any way to stop it.

[clover528]

Thank you winston and colorado for your replies.

It seems the truth of the matter is when i listen to his bull, my fog thickens. maybe that is why i am clearer now than whenI started the post. no contact since yesterday. so a drama free day. I was worried at the start but then began to relax and settle down as the day progressed. That would explain my clearer thinking.

I have done a lot of personal inventory since i went looking for my reason for loving this man. Honestly, my search began as a way to help myself. How it turned into wanting to save him still confounds me. I have some serious work to do to get stronger.

I am very much traumatically bonded to this man. I know why but I havent learned how to begin to really break that bond. I am working on that one. I have a therapy session in couple days. I plan on discussing all these events and why my reactions were what they were. I need some homework. The only way I am going to get stronger is with some information guidance and real work.

I may be able to identify my obvious issues, but tackling them after they are identified is a different thing all together. This is where the rubber meets the road. I am praying for strength and endurance.

[MammaMia]

Clover

He has really done a number on you with emotional abuse, drug use, and BPD.

I understand more clearly now now why you are so afraid of him.  I pray you get the assistance you need to free yourself from this terrible situation.

You do not have to live this way.  You and the children deserve better.