Silent treatment or "needs a break" after a rage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

About a year ago I came to the realization that my bf (ex?) has BPD. He is not diagnosed, but after reading multiple books and talking with my T, it is pretty clear. Last year around this same time was his first big break up with me that (to me, at the time) came out of nowhere. I thought we had the perfect relationship. I never felt so in love or so cared for. Yes, there were a few "silent treatment" times that I overlooked because he had a good "I am broken and bad at communicating" excuse. Then the rages started coming out of nowhere. They were scary. He was a different person when they happened. He would split me black and project all of his issues onto me. It is like one second he is right here with me, on my same level-the next second he is a million miles away, a completely different person. This happened about three major times before he completely shut me out, broke up with me, whatever you want to call it.

We moved into separate places and did not speak for about a month. Then came all of the right things I wanted to hear. He agreed to see a therapist. He acknowledged that his behavior was completely messed up. He constantly told me how I was a saint for putting up with him. He said he would spend his whole life apologizing for these behaviors. With both of us in therapy, things seemed to be so healthy. We were able to talk about our feelings and were constantly open and honest. This lasted for almost a year. There were the "silent treatment" times where he would say he needed space, but I chalked that up to him working on himself in therapy.

Then about 3 weeks ago the stress he was feeling from work became obvious to me. He had an inappropriate rage out of nowhere and realized it that same day, apologizing that I did not deserve to have his stress taken out of me. Then the next day he broke up with me. It wasn't clear as to why. He would use metaphors that we had ridden the wheels off, saying he was too depressed to go on with me. It is almost as if he feels shame from his rages and thinks that I will leave him. Its as if he wants the control, so he is the one who decides he needs to be alone. He left all of my things on my door step and I guess that is that?

The silent treatment is the worst. He completely lacks any sort of empathy. He can go weeks, months, without acknowledging my presence and seem completely fine about it. This is the part I cannot take. The extremes he goes to, the "end all," I have so much anxiety every time thinking, is this really the end? Can I keep going through this? Why can't he just be a normal person and not shut out the one person who truly cares for him.

I feel like I have not set up the right boundaries, and don't know if it is too late to do so. I hate this "limbo" stage. Not knowing whether we will be okay, not knowing whether this is truly the end, not knowing if I can keep going through this. I often think, "I am so scared this is going to be my life, but I am more scared this is not going to be my life." I love him so much and he is such a great person. I just don't know what to do with myself in these "limbo" times. What to do with him, what to do with anything.

I am unsure about staying or going. I am unsure if he is staying or going. In my dream world, we both would stay, and he would never go to the extremes of destroying the relationship that is otherwise so good.

[Newkate]

About a year ago I came to the realization that my bf (ex?) has BPD. He is not diagnosed, but after reading multiple books and talking with my T, it is pretty clear. Last year around this same time was his first big break up with me that (to me, at the time) came out of nowhere. I thought we had the perfect relationship. I never felt so in love or so cared for. Yes, there were a few "silent treatment" times that I overlooked because he had a good "I am broken and bad at communicating" excuse. Then the rages started coming out of nowhere. They were scary. He was a different person when they happened. He would split me black and project all of his issues onto me. It is like one second he is right here with me, on my same level-the next second he is a million miles away, a completely different person. This happened about three major times before he completely shut me out, broke up with me, whatever you want to call it.

We moved into separate places and did not speak for about a month. Then came all of the right things I wanted to hear. He agreed to see a therapist. He acknowledged that his behavior was completely messed up. He constantly told me how I was a saint for putting up with him. He said he would spend his whole life apologizing for these behaviors. With both of us in therapy, things seemed to be so healthy. We were able to talk about our feelings and were constantly open and honest. This lasted for almost a year. There were the "silent treatment" times where he would say he needed space, but I chalked that up to him working on himself in therapy.

Then about 3 weeks ago the stress he was feeling from work became obvious to me. He had an inappropriate rage out of nowhere and realized it that same day, apologizing that I did not deserve to have his stress taken out of me. Then the next day he broke up with me. It wasn't clear as to why. He would use metaphors that we had ridden the wheels off, saying he was too depressed to go on with me. It is almost as if he feels shame from his rages and thinks that I will leave him. Its as if he wants the control, so he is the one who decides he needs to be alone. He left all of my things on my door step and I guess that is that?

The silent treatment is the worst. He completely lacks any sort of empathy. He can go weeks, months, without acknowledging my presence and seem completely fine about it. This is the part I cannot take. The extremes he goes to, the "end all," I have so much anxiety every time thinking, is this really the end? Can I keep going through this? Why can't he just be a normal person and not shut out the one person who truly cares for him.

I feel like I have not set up the right boundaries, and don't know if it is too late to do so. I hate this "limbo" stage. Not knowing whether we will be okay, not knowing whether this is truly the end, not knowing if I can keep going through this. I often think, "I am so scared this is going to be my life, but I am more scared this is not going to be my life." I love him so much and he is such a great person. I just don't know what to do with myself in these "limbo" times. What to do with him, what to do with anything.

I am unsure about staying or going. I am unsure if he is staying or going. In my dream world, we both would stay, and he would never go to the extremes of destroying the relationship that is otherwise so good.

[briefcase]

It isn't ever too late to start working on boundaries.  I was about 15 years into my marriage when I started.   

Limbo is hard.  I've been there.  About the best you can do during the down times is take care of yourself and your own needs.  If he comes around and wants to stay, then at least you'll be in a position of strength.

Eat right, exercise, get some sleep, do fun things that you enjoy, talk to other family and friends - that's what you can do during the down time with him.

[Newkate]

Thank you for responding, briefcase.

It seems to me as he just gives up or cuts me out of his life first, whenever the BPD shows its face really bad. It took me a long time to be able to trust that he wouldn't do that to me again, but then he did. When he did it this time, he said that he wasn't leaving me, he just "couldn't finish." I am just left with confusion.

I am confused about how to set boundaries. When we got back together after the initial ugly time, I told him it hurt me when he just gave up on us. We agreed to have "alone time" when we needed it, and that seemed to work for about a year. Now he is falling into this horrible depression again, and here I am again wondering, "is this really the end?"

[jollygreen]

I got the silent treatment too at the end of my relationship. She took a week away from me. Then met back at our place to tell me about all the wrong I did and to point the finger at me. I just tried to take it all like a catchers mitt. Every time I opened my mouth for anything, to back myself up or accept it, she would just push further away. Then she took a month of space apart from me with no contact on my side. We met up again, conversation was almost identical to the first except that time I back myself up completely against the accusations. And I stood up for the boundary she crossed that ignited the split. In the end she broke up wanting to be friends. I said no to that. The reasons are still mixed as to why she left. It was because of me, because of my family, because of my friends, because of her hormones and womanly issues, and lastly because she said I deserve someone that can make me smile (she felt she couldn't do that any more). So I felt the more I even just talked to her and told her I loved her the more she pushed away. No one is the same though, I can only share my story. I wish you get what you hope for.

[Newkate]

Thank you for sharing your story, Jolly Green. I am sorry you had to go through that.

I realize that when he is in this "state of mind," there is no point in saying the loving things. It only makes things worse, more hurtful toward me, makes him push me away more. Some times I try to keep it very positive and honest though, such as, "I hope you are doing well. You deserve to be happy." But still when he is in this state, it does not really do much.

Last year when this happened, it took about a month for him to get out of the weird state and start talking normal. I do realize that I was the one who initiated contact, though, and I always question if he ever would have if I didn't. He told me he was too ashamed and did not know how.

[jollygreen]

I thought about breaking contact, because a year into our relationship she went into a 3 day hiatus and I ended up sending her an email and she was back into idealization stage.

I wondered if she was wanting that again, for me to chase after her or do some romantic thing. When she first wanted this last to around space she asked if I would call her in a sad voice. I told her no and that she wanted space and should contact me after she figured it out. Me not contacting her was fuel for the fire later, and she was mad about that.

[blackorchid]

 Newkate I can completely relate to your situation Im experiencing the exact same thing, although you articulated yourself far better than me  11 days ago my boyf raged, said thats it we're through,  packed up everything of his in our apartment and left.  We've spoke 3 times about  bills etc last night I said that I still love him... . that just angered him further.  Like you the last time he did this was a year ago.  A lot better than before as it used to be 3 monthly cycles.

Im at a loss just like you with exactly the same feelings about this being the end.  I have some major decisions to make and just cant seem to think sense at the moment with this churning in my gut thinking is this really the end.  I have to decide whether to stay here or go home (I moved countries for him) I have 3 weeks to find a new apartment if I do stay as we were looking for a new one in the weeks before he dysregulated.  I hope things with you are a lot more stable.



I hope we both get out dream worlds back :'(

[emotionaholic]

Newkate.  Like most people here I can so relate to your situation as though I had written your post.  The silence is torture!  I think that a big part of their silence is them dealing with there own thoughts and lacking empathy enough to have an idea as to how hard it is on the people who love them.  The silence I am receiving right now though is punishment for me setting my first boundary.  I have been in a relationship with a woman that I love more than anything for 3 years that has had its share of silence and breakups.  I have noticed though that the longer we are apart the longer the back together is but that's beside the point.  I just learned about BPD from her T a couple of months ago following a breakup so I'm new to this.  I am working hard at acceptance.  I can not change her or help her except to be there for her if and when she is ready.  I am going about my life assuming that she may be back and if so during the break I am working hard at practicing the lessons and what I need to do for me.  And if she does not come back I am still working hard at the lessons so that I will be stronger and healthier for me.  In the mean time my house is spotless, there is not a weed in the yard I have been hanging out with the friends she hated, even the dog is getting more walks.  I am really beginning to understand that if I work hard on myself and she comes back then I will be better prepared and if she doesn't come back then I will be a better person all around.  I feel for you BPD sucks and I hate it, but I love the one with it.