She's Baack...

[Pretty Woman]

If any of you have read my posts you know my story with my ex. It has been 11mo of a rollercoaster ride. Back and forth.  It's been hard. She broke up with me several times and this last time we had an altercation (physical)-she did not hit me but she did spit on me which still makes me cry to think about it.

She left me and within a week was trying to reconcile with her ex in Minnesota.  I have been very good about no contact for the past month until Sat night when I drunk texted her. I fully regretted it and dreaded her response.

The next day she called me several times. I did not answer. She sent me a text saying to call her. She did not want to rehash our relationship but she wanted to talk to me. This kept up practically all day and finally I responded when she said she was nearby and just wanted to give me something. She told me she made a mistake and had to see me.

I said no but I eventually caved and saw her.  She was very sad and when she saw me she immediately kissed me.  I started to cry. This has been so painful.  I don't trust her not to keep leaving and this pretty much crippled me. I am staying with my plans made and not diverting from them nor my therapy. I have agreed to talk to her but again, I am not fully trusting so going into this with more than one eye open.

She was never "diagnosed" so I have no idea if she really has BPD and If am being triangulated or not. She did sleep with her ex and they did spend the week together. That does hurt a lot.   Very hard right now.  I am reading "Walking on Eggshells" and trying to not get completely sucked into this. I mean all our friends and family are against the other person. This would have to be secret for awhile if we attempted to get back together and I am not sure I can survive her leaving again and I have no one to turn to. Any advice? I will not be upset or hurt if it is not positive. I need perspective!

[Pretty Woman]

By against the other person I mean they are against me and her not her and the other woman.

[babyducks]

Hey earth angel,

Deep breath.   Try to steady yourself.   

Any ideas on what you really want?  You said you do not trust her not to keep leaving, could that be a boundary for you? 

From your post it does seem that the back and forth between you and the woman in Minn, is very problematic for you.  Is there a way you can protect yourself from being hurt again?

It is a deeply personal decision to engage with our Exes or not.  I will caution that the push/pull is very bad for BOTH of you.  Anything you do or don't do should really be carefully thought out with realistic expectations.  How would you feel about always 24/7 being the mentally healthy one in the r/s?

Babyducks

[stop2think]

Since the last time you were with her in the r/s and now there have been radical changes in an unhealthy way, else you would not be here on this forum.

PD or no PD, take time to understand and think about yourself now. You have gone through a rough time, and you must have learnt something during this time about yourself and the other person.

She is back - good or bad for you, you must have many questions now. Hence, making any decision at times like this would not be healthy.

You need to be strong, and stayed focused on yourself. You are the best judge of your situation, if you are confused there nothing wrong with it - take time, read and get professional advice/help if needed.

Just my opinion earth angel. Stay focused and strong!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear EA,

    Wow, this is so very difficult!  We end up 'torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool" and both lovers are the same person (same body anyway).  First off, quit beating yourself up.  Really.  It feels like you understand what's going on pretty well and are mad at yourslf because you don't have the strength to act on your plans.  Your brains and good sense are telling you "RUN AWAY!" and your heart is saying "RUN TO HER!"  By the way, it's irrelevant that you don't 'officially' know she has BPD.  My mind ran with this logic stream for a while, too.  You know what's true about her and what isn't.  If someone's life depended on you telling the truth about her condition, what would you say?  Well, someone's live does depend on it.  Yours.  

    I'd like to say there's an easy answer, but we both know there isn't or we wouldn't be here, would we?  I've been really great concerning my "ex", but I had to say hello to her and shake her hand and hear that voice today (she's here with the CEO of the company we work for) and I was 'Mr Cool". And to be perfectly honest with you, if she came to me today and kissed me and told me she had made a huge mistake I would almost certainly melt like butter in a fry pan.  

    Listen, we are all somewhat like addicts here and we all need to fight this every day.  If we fail we just have to get back on our feet and try fighting it again.  Maybe you feel like you're failing right now, but remember how you were before; you are making progress and you will continue to make progress until you fail a lot lessl.  That's really how it is for all of us, I think.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks everyone. This forum has been a lifeline for me and it continues to be.  I know I am co-dependent and trying to work that out in counceling. I love this woman yet again, this was my "first" as far as being with a woman so I know there is that emotional tie that makes this harder.

Everyone said she would come back to do it again and again. The thing is this... . I did push her (not physically) because I was not sure what I wanted and if I wanted a lesbian relationship permenantly.  That is what I am dealing with. She wants a partner. Still, her hostility has been very difficult. She told me yesterday my texts were very mean. I have been taken that way before in text... . I am sarcastic. I told her texts can be taken wrong and she should have asked me what I meant.  She also told me sometimes she doesn't want to talk about the heavy stuff, she just wants to hold my hand and go for a walk at the gardens. I told her all she needs to do is tell me that and we can table the talk for later.

I really want it to be our communication and not BPD however she does have a storied history and can be impulsive.  So can I but not AS impulsive (like gambling away my life savings---which she has since started to recoup).

I really love her greatly but I cannot put myself through getting hurt over and over again. This has taken a toll on me and my loved ones as I shared these stories with them to get me past the hurt.

I want to have a healthy relationship but I also know that includes having one with myself.

As for the other woman supposedly she was dissapointed that my ex wanted to come back. She told her she has unfinished business with me and cannot do this. She said her ex was not as she remembered and not fun like me. She wished she was with me exploring and shopping at Mall of America (I am a shopper).

We'll see. Day by day and reading. I am not cancelling plans with new friends I've made either. I am not falling back into losing me again. No way. That sucked!

[LosingIt2]

So were you considering leaving her before all this happened?

[Pretty Woman]

Losingit2,

   Not really. I would get frustrated when she would over react and I couldn't reason with her but I liked being with her and doing things together. It was weird... . if we went away for a weekend or it was just us it was great. When family and friends were involved it wasn't. Some of this may have been me trying to embrace my sexualty so it's hard for me to gauge. I was very secretive with my family and she is pretty open. We couldn't really be open with each other. All I know is I do love her but am leary as she broke up with me 5 times over 11 months. Granted it was for a few days but we never this long and her running off to see her recently divorced ex.

[fiddlestix]

Caution!  She will leave you again... . then try and maneuver her way back in... .   She is disordered.  Her mind does not process ideas, beliefs and morals as a "normal" person does.  It is just not normal to love someone and desire to make things work one day, and the next day feel bored and have sex with someone else, and feel no remorse.  My ex did this many times.  And, sadly, I also melt like butter in a frying pan when she "throws me a bone."  I am still so hurt by her leaving me that when she does say something kind to me or show interest, it is like a heroin injection.  Like an earlier poster wrote, we are like addicts.  I am addicted to my ex.  No other woman turns me on sexually like she does.  I am having a hard time letting go.  Yet, my ex is so toxic that it is not healthy for me to be near her.  She recently wooed me back only to turn on me again.  Stay away!