fear, anger, and doubt, what to do today?

[clover528]

I will start with how I feel.

Fear. I am worrying every second. Fearing his next threat or rage or heaven forbid showing up. I dont want to provoke him, even though I know in my mind no matter what i do he will rage on me. I jump when my phone rings or alarms with a message. If the door bell rings I am sick. I am looking over my shoulder everywhere I go.

I am angry. angry for how i have allowed dhim to treat me. angry that he is walking off as if he did nothing wrong. angry that he is in this relationship and lying about me to her and I am sure everyone else. I am angry that he dared bring my son into his game. I am angry that I have given him that much control over my emotion and life. I am just angry.

Doubt. Wow is this one painful. I doubt my every choice i ever made. I question my every motivation from the beginning. I wonder if I am all wrong about my perception of why i have allowed this to happen. I wonder about being responsible for this and just not being aware of it. am I a victim or did i initiate this behavior. Am I lying to myself or am I realy seeing things as they were. I do know my heart. I do. But what If i left not just because of his aggressive actions and threatening behavior but because of my fear of intimacy. What if i never even realized that side of me? The list could go on and on.

Sorry for my long posts. I dont relly have another way or way to get this out. My family doesnt understand it. I have therapy tomorrow. I am just trying to get through today. how do I get a handle on the physicality of my fear? My anger i am trying to feel and accept and then let it go eventually. The doubt, that will take time I am sure.

any insight or suggestions?

[lockedout]

I wish I had some good answers. I've been separated for 6 months. I have had better days since the separation and worse days - mostly before I left. I'm holding onto the hope that things will get better. A lot of it comes from how she treats me over our son - frequent accusations of abuse and then lying about it to her, followed by her telling me how "we" need to work together so our son grows up healthy and happy. It's a lot of work to keep a 3 year old occupied for 3 straight days and I'm drained at the end only to be accused of beating him up. I don't even try to get my family to understand. My father is a borderline and not speaking to me because I didn't tell him I'm selling the property I'm living in - he's offended that he didn't get his two cents in and won't let him get involved at all: like I need a borderline to go after another borderline on my behalf. Or for her to find out and get some man-hating lawyer to make sure I end up destitute before I can get it sold - something I'm doing prior to pursuing divorce since I live in a state that respects what you owned prior to and kept for yourself during the marriage.

I have been in a slump for a while - partly from stopping an anti-depressant that I needed... . because of her. Some of the feelings that have been dormant for a while are surfacing but I have to confront my demons sometime. I still miss my home - I hope to buy her out the "house", but the "home" I am missing just isn't there and who knows if it ever was. I'm having no trouble finding dates, but the motivation just isn't there. I could really use a vacation but finances are running in the negative for right now. On the lighter side, I am confident that I can sell the property before too long. I have a great 3 year old who is doing very well despite the crap I have to put up with his mother. I also met someone a couple of months ago that I really connected with. She lives far away but I talked to her the other night and she may be able to make a trip here next month, so that has my hopes up for now/ Definitely something to look forward to if she is coming. I'm not sure what the long-term prognosis is for the "relationship", but if nothing else, I know I'm going to have at least a few days to spend with someone in which I get to feel and experience everything that was missing throughout the marriage and beyond (ok, maybe not everything, since we still don't know each other that well). What happens when she leaves can be addressed another day.

I think the best advice I can give is 1) to take it day by day. I'm still working on this one. We can't worry about tomorrow yet - we need to walk before we can run. We need to crawl before we can walk. We need to bet up off our backs before we get on our hands and knees. 2) don't deny or be ashamed of your emotions. Don't become them either. That's what the BPDer has done thier whole lives and they thrive only when they get others to do the same. 3) Don't apologize for a long post on here. Don't apologize for anything (unless you get upset and end up being rude to someone). You've already used up all of your apologies and shame by trying to make things work in a BPD marriage.

[Validation78]

Hey Clover!

I know this is a tough time for you, and I'm sorry that you have to carry so much pain and anguish on your shoulders. Much of what you feel will wane as time goes by. I've felt a lot of this too, and it does get easier!

Fear is an understandable emotion. However, much of our fear is exaggerated by our own imaginations. It's not to say that you should let your guard down, awareness is your best defense, just do what you can to put things into proper perspective. When my phone indicated a message, I repeated over and over, you can't hurt me anymore before I looked to see if it was him. I don't feel as anxious anymore.

Anger is part of the grieving process. If you are feeling anger both at yourself and him, work on forgiveness. It's very hard to imagine forgiving for all that has happened, however, it is the key to your freedom.

Doubt is also a difficult, and normal feeling after all you've been through. If he has BPD, you didn't cause it. Many of us would agree that we played our parts in the dysfunctional dance, partly because we have our own issues, and partly because we were ignorant about BPD, what it is, and that we were involved with a very ill person.

Good for you for pursuing a therapist! It's a good step towards facing your own issues, and how they played into the relationship. Make yourself and your emotional well being your priority. Work through the grief, and give the whole process time. You'll be alright!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[clover528]

Thank you Lockedout.  I am very sorry for your situation. I dont have the legal issues of marriage here. We only lived together for a few months. I avnt imagine going through property dispute with a pwBPD. It is a struglle to just manage returning a key. I am glad you have a friend to go out with. I am not there by any means yet. You are doing the best you can for your child all things considered. Be kind to yourself. I know you are struggling but you have support here.

Val,

Thank you for your reply as well. I am trying very hard to stay aware without over thinking things. and yes my imagination workd over time. I feel like I am on trial in my thoughts sometimes. I am thinking far too much. I spent so much of my time defending my every move and explaining myself that even my thoughts are running in that circle. I will borrow your montra when my phone rings. He cant hurt me anymore. maybe if i say it often enough, I will begin to believe it.

as for an update, My friend called me back. it seems with the information and messages etc I have saved, i have three cases I can pursue. i have two criminal cases I can bring against him and then the one civil case for D. I would have to get two attornies though. My friend suggested a specialized attorney in family law who is top of their game in our area. She is expensive but good at what she does. The criminal cases, my friend will handle if I so choose. 

Havent heard from BPDex for the last two days. His family member did call this morning to tell me he was still down there and she would tell me if and when he came this direction. He did tell her that should I call her to look for him ( he had given me her number  over a year ago when he lived with her. as far as he knows we only ever spoke a couple times over this entire time, her request btw) to tell me she didnt know where he was or how to reach him etc. He also asked her to inform his x wife of that too. The only person he wanted her to be truthful with was his current gf. No suprize there. He is suppose to be gone for a job for two weeks.  She knows of his lie to me about the job. She isnt confronting him about anything because she too knows he is unstable and she doesnt trust him. ( at least that is what she tells me)

I am trying to just breath at the moment. My question is, should I not be talking to her? she calls me out of concern for me and my family. She also is concerned for his children. They were in her care for several months while he ran amok on drugs etc. She tried to work with his exwife to get the kids out of his care but somehow that didnt work out for now. I dont quite understand triangulation (read definition). But is that what this is? my talking to her? We dont really discuss my relationship with him. just his whereabouts or if he mentions his intentions toward me etc. If his gf is there she will say so. I dont want to sabotage my own health an recovery trying to stay safe and away from him. Thoughts on whether I should no longer accept those calls would be appreciated.