How to physically escape my BPD mother-she has had total Control

[LiiselC]

Hi,

I am writing this at 5am because I just woke up to heart palpatations and a general sick feeling.

I realised only a couple of days ago that my mother is a real sick person who has in the past year and a half taken total control over mine and my husbands life. I have been so sick that I did not notice anything but her being "helpful". She has showered me with gifts and money for years while constantly breaking my self esteem,making me a sicker and weaker person and trying to make us economically dependent on her. Now we are living in the same city with her and she has a lot of our stuff stored in her House and she has slowly gained control of our things.

She sold us a car real cheap and now holds the papers to the car so she can buy it back for the same money. So she has basically our vehicle. She has our rental house key and she has multiple times been to our place with the key with some excuse like watering the flowers and so on while we have been travelling. She might even have some extra Key, I dont know. She holds a lot of my important papers like graduation papers and such. She drives by our house often and guards us in a freaky way.


Now the trauma is starting to unravel and I am panicking. All the childhood pain,sick abuse and such is entering my head with full blast. I realised she has not only abused me for years but prepared and manipulated my life in a way that I would be most likely in the end her best friend,caretaker and a "spouse". She has most likely even hoped for a divorce for me and my husband as she constantly manipulates me in order to make me despise him. She claims rights to my little baby daughter,only a couple of months old and when she is around she is very scary and emotionally panicky and aggressive and controlling. I dont want her around me,her or my family anymore!

WE NEED TO GET AWAY.

Me and my husband,we are now starting to plan to move back to the same town we moved from originally. How do I plan this now? I need to get my papers from her and our things,plus the house key. She might even freak out and destroy our things. She has already liberately thrown some stuff away in the past. I am thinking she has gone through all our papers here at home while we were travelling.

I am totally done and I want out. How to proceed? Please help! She is very smart and reads me like an open book. She might get suicidal or whatever if we attempt to move. I just want my crucial things.

[xanderess]

Hello, I am new here but I can so relate . I have been coaxed back out on the farm house next to mom on her land . Me and my husband and three kids . The electric is in her name , the house is hers and she is now starting up again . she just told me sense my kids dont take out the trash and obey me, they are going to hell because of me and many other hurtful things . When they get this way its like being under the mofia and very scary and difficult . I would say that You are going to organize all your paper work and need to make copies . As far as the other stuff you might have to let it go . We are still being abused in our adult lives but now we are allowing are husbands and children to be abused too. I Really need to be strong for my kids and my poor husband . This is my second husband . My first one got it good by my mother and now is far away from here . Good Luck and Pray hard.

[nomom4me]

1st, can you change locks?  If you or your husband are handy you could DIY, and locksmiths are a couple hundred... . if your mother asks about it you can say there was a break-in in the neighborhood.  I'm assuming you have a rental deposit, and you will probably want that back, do what you need to do to make sure your mom doesn't damage your property.

As it's summer, people might be willing to sub-let while on vacation, maybe you could even stay in a home for a pet or property care exchange.  Do you have a friend network on facebook from your former town, maybe someone you can stay with?  If you can plan a short visit you could look into work and housing options (tell your mom it's just a "visit".  On the topic of facebook, if you have any family or friends of your mom who might leak news of a move look into setting lists and restricting posts to certain friend groups.

When I moved cross-country and it honestly took about a year of back and fourth to have things lined up, but I had a friends apartment for a few weeks while he was away for free when I finally moved, and that gave me enough time to get my old rental deposit back and find a new apartment.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi LiiselC,

I'm sorry that you had such a rude awakening this morning! It sounds like you are really absorbing what you've been through and how alarming your mother's behavior really is, which can be very upsetting.  

Nomom4me asked a few good questions: what can you do to protect yourself, your daughter and your husband and make sure that your privacy isn't violated? Maybe it's time to change the locks--can you talk to your landlord about that?

Is there a way that you could quietly get your important papers and belongings from your mother's house? What would she do if you asked for them? Perhaps you could store them in a safety deposit box.

Your belongings are important, but your well-being is even more important. Do you have anyone (other relatives, a therapist, or close friend) to help you through this? You're going through some pretty intense feelings, and many of us here have been through similar situations. It's very difficult, but you're not alone.  

I can understand how you're afraid that if you pull out of the caretaker role you've been in that your mother might have some strong reactions. If she threatens to commit suicide, your best bet is to get her some help. There are tools to help you deal with her behavior if she gets angry or rages. What's most likely to happen?

Hang in there and let us know how we can best support you.

[ScarletOlive]

LiiselC,

I'm sorry you're feeling so panicky. I can hear the fear and your fight for control over your life. Having your mother control your belongings must be so very tough.  You are standing up for yourself and learning to protect yourself. That is so important. Keep it up.

Now, take a deep breath. Perhaps you can go to your mother's house with a few friends and/or family and get your belongings and papers? If not, your legal papers are able to be regenerated. nomomforme and GeekyGirl had some good suggestions regarding locks. As you go through the moving process, this article about safety might help you to determine what boundaries you have to keep you safe and what boundaries you might want to create: Safety First

Keep us updated on how things are going. We care very much. Sending you lots of support.

[Pipper99]

Lilsel C,

I am glad I read your post and just wanted to let you know that I have been in the same situation ,my mother used money to manipulte us also. I finally just had a complete breakdown and decided I no longer can do it.  I feel your frustration and know the PANIC very very well. I escaped and so can you. My mom had the papers to my car that I took care of and I just let her have it. I scraped up the money I had and got a new car. I did the escape over time so she wouldn't freak out. than I completely cut off contact. Its very scary process but its the only way out. My BPD mother is very scary and would go in my house etc also., I just had to take a leap and say I'll deal with whatever she hands me, but I am done. I took each day as they came, and said I can handle what she dishes out.

After I cut her off she went about on her "smear campign", how ungrateful etc. You don't have to explain anything to anyone, its your life and your choices. Just because someone gives you stuff doesn't mean you owe them your soul. I realized I suffered long enought and I wanted out. I got out and the world of possiblities opened up. I am happy and on my way to a great life. My mother now leaves me alone, but the smear campaign continues, its ok I am happy she is not.

You can handle, and we are here to support you