Still looking for answers

[scuba02]

Trying to recap the relationship I thought I once had a question sits in the back of my mind... . I totally get how I was triangulated (read definition) with the 3rd party... . What I find myself trying to understand is where in the relationship are they?  

Background: Was out of the country for six months and have had an idea this relationship was going on in March... . she is in college and this guy was just a friend who would come over to work on school projects... . I knew something was up when I pulled my permit to come home early and she said "no, please wait until school is out and finals are over" ie the friend would be safely 200miles away back home for summer... . I came home regardless due to my suspicions and she was there waiting at the airport (crying as always)... .

She only posted she was in a relationship 2 weeks ago... . What part of the process happens when our SO is still with us but spending all this time with the 3rd party... . Does the actual process start when they started officially dating? Do these people make unreasonable demands in this phase of the relationship? Is it possible they already been together for many months and things are going smoothly? Only took me a month or so before we headed down hill... . any advice appreciated

   

[papawapa]

For one they cannot be alone. You going away meant that there would have to be a replacement. There were many times in the twelve years of my relationship that we would argue and I would leave for a few days and she would go to the bar and find someone, anyone, so she wouldn't have to be alone. When our daughter was born we were living with my parents. She didn't like living there and went off on her own and found a place. I stayed behind for about a month. I came to find out recently from her daughter who was twelve at the time, her mom moved her in so she would have someone to watch the kids, that my ex was bringing a different guy home from the bar almost every night. There were times recently when I would take our kids to the cabin for the weekend and she would find someone to sleep with. She carried on three long term affairs with other men that I know about. She was also almost always carrying on emotional affairs with different men for most of the time we were together. She always had some kind of a backup plan.

When things were good between us, idealization, and I was there in the home she would focus on me. When she would shift to discontent she would start with the emotional affairs. And when she would paint me black she would cheat. Because I was her main source of energy I am fairly certain that the other men only saw the idealization and either they were just using her for sex and would move on, or she would abruptly end it with them when she went back to idealizing me.

I don't think they shift from idealization to discontent to rage until the new replacement is the primary source of fuel.

[Clearmind]

Its unfortunate that when we are absent for whatever reason pwBPD need to mirror another. Were you triangulated? Maybe/Maybe not - fallback guys/girls often fill a gap that was once there - due to fears of being alone.

They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. To her scuba, she wasn't doing anything wrong - given the true definition I'm not sure she considered it cheating hence triangulation (read definition). She was simply filling a need - not to be alone.

What does triangulation [url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0](read definition) mean?[/url]

Lack of object constancy

[danley]

My ex and I work together and we used to text whenever we weren't together outside of work. Perceivably Yes, he could have been texting his new interest while texting me but knowing his texting skills Id find it hard to believe. After two to three months into our break up he told me he might be interested in someone and was talking to her. Now, idk who she is and I didn't ask. He made sure to throw it in my face that she's worried about us working together and how close we are/were and our history. WHY he felt compelled to tell her about me or us boggled me because he said he wasn't prepared to be in a relationship with her or me. So WHY bother giving her a reason to worry by passing out info about me/us? I felt like he was making a statement and trying to get under my skin as well as get a reaction of jealousy from me. I didn't react. I wished him happiness which made him very angry. Go figure.

Anyways,  after that conversation I began to wonder who this person was. My ex was at work on schedule. His weekends were spent with his kids. The only time he'd go out and we'd not text or talk was when he'd go out with his college buddies. He could have met someone while out and about with his friends or maybe he wasnt even meeting his friends. When asked WHEN he began talking to this person he claims it was "WAY AFTER" we broke up... . we had been broken up for 3 months at this time. During our relationship he mentioned his kids friends mother. They'd communicate on occasion when their kids would hang out. I had questioned about her and he said she was cool. He'd mention her Once or twice during the three years we were together.  Shes a coach at a prestigious school just like his own mom. Then I thought about something else he had mentioned while he was in the push pull slash painting me black cycle just days before he said he was talking to someone. Out of nowhere he tells me he invited this mom to go on his first vacation alone with his kids. I was shocked and hurt but I didn't react. Then he said seconds after that she couldn't make it tho. Other things that alerted me that he was trying to get a reaction from me was after he told me about the new lady I questioned WHY he had told me he didn't want to be in a relationship but yet it seemed like he was having one with her. It was a simple question and I asked in a non argumentative way. He exploded and said "See! I knew you would be pissed if I told you I was talking to someone else!". I told him I wasn't upset but more confused to his contradictions.

Idk when the process starts for them but I'm sure in my case he had flurries of thoughts to be with someone he THOUGHT his mom would like. And after his divorce and the part he/I played in it I'm sure he had great desire to please mommy and make her happy. As far as I know my ex wasn't WITH this lady while we were together but I'm sure he had her as back up especially when his divorce trial was nearing and $hit was about to hit the fan.

Being that he said he told her about me and us during the black cycle, I'm sure he said some stuff about me to her to make himself appear as the victim. Idk if he's made unreasonable demands with her but I'm sure he talked the same half a$$ reasoning to her. I'm not sure if their relationship is going smoothly or if it even exists anymore. I don't care for triangles and indecisiveness. I have not reacted to him nor shown it bothers me that he might be talking to someone else. The strange thing is after I stopped caring and reaching out, my ex suddenly is vying for my attention and he's been in such a great mood towards me. Maybe he's happy because of the new lady. Or Maybe it didn't work out. Either way it doesn't change that the whole fiasco was childish on his part. He used to walk away and hide in corners to text every break he had and made sure to hide his phone when I was around. But for the last month his attention is hardly on texting and focused on me. In fact he has actually handed me his phone while he was mid PERSONAL conversation with some unknown who I suspect was her... . it showed a females name whom I've never heard him speak of in all the years we were together. In fact she sent some texts while I was using his phone and I asked him if he wanted it back but he said No and kept engaging in conversation with me. When I was done with his phone he went to side to text and then I overheard him speaking in an irritated tone. He walked back and asked me if he could help me with a project and was being all Flirty. Idk what's going on but I'm sticking to being very cautious.

Your situation could be that she was talking to someone else while involved with you. Maybe she had Plan B in mind while together with you. My advice would be to stay clear of her and her new relationship... . And try your best not to let her new relationship get to you. I've read that they need to fill the void with a new source of happiness and stat! I don't believe it has anything to do with you but rather with their desire to feel needed but with a quick new version of with a fresh slate so they can begin their mirroring to feel better about themselves. Also, try not to think about where they're at in their relationship. It will only hurt you more and hinder you from healing. Hard to do but possible.

[ScotisGone74]

If cheating on your spouse or significant other isn't triangulation (read definition), then what is?   In the majority of BPD cases that I have seen or read about on here BPD's triangulate one or several other relationships against their main SO/spouse, they do this for what can be long periods of time, before leaving their SO or spouse, or doing it enough until their spouse/SO has no other choice but to throw in the towel and leave themselves.  Even though they leave to be with another person they usually were triangulating (read definition) for a period of time before leaving. 

[papawapa]

I experienced triangulation (read definition) with my ex and her kids. It is playing two people against each other. She would talk bad about me to her eldest son who was living in our basement. She moved him in to our house without speaking to me about it. She became the go between for any communication. Because he and I had a poor relationship, which was mostly because she left her kids with their dad when her and I started our relationship, her son had deep resentment towards me for stealing his mom. Most of the time he lived with us he had a problem with not paying his rent. I couldn't talk to him about it. I always had to go through her. She made herself the middleman so to speak. The day we split up she told me that once again he did not have the rent in full on time. I had had enough and I bypassed her. I went down to the basement and woke him up and told him either he needed to pay the rent in full or move out. It sent her into a rage.

[scuba02]

It some sense this makes so much sense... . When I was gone she was filling a need of loneliness... . When I came home she dropped that relationship for me and was wiling to spend every waking hour with me... . When I got back we ha a falling out and she was no sooner in the car to go see this new person... . Still coming back to me when we she begged her way back in... . It was until she found out of my mistake that she painted me black and was dating him the same day... .

She would do things like need my cologne go to my house and sleep in my bed as well as wear my clothing while I was gone... . This seems like object constancy to me

I know I can't change what has happened and there is no going back but i can't help but wonder... . Would she have stayed and dropped this other person if i had complied to her every wish? Would he have always been there as a backup? Do they start the mirroring phase when they start hanging out as friends or when the actually consummate the relationship? I ask this because we never had the time to do this as we meet one night and we together every day from there on out... . This new relationship seems to have been friends first then a relationship... . Makes me think this relationship has a chance to last and I was the one with the issue... . And yes, I do have my own CoDep issues to work on and deal with

[Clearmind]

I know I can't change what has happened and there is no going back but i can't help but wonder... . Would she have stayed and dropped this other person if i had complied to her every wish?

Would you really wanted to walk on eggshells and always wonder what she was doing while you were away or getting on with your life too.

Co-dependency is all about compliance and negating your needs - have a good think scuba about that means.

Would he have always been there as a backup? Do they start the mirroring phase when they start hanging out as friends or when the actually consummate the relationship?

Always? who knows. Possibly or it could be someone else.

Mirroring is not a BPD term - everyone mirrors - you mirrored each other scuba thats how you got so enthralled.

_____hit

Rather than delve into what she may or may not do scuba start working on why you want to know and why you are more interested in her than looking at you. The answers are not with her.