And now comes the craziness...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's been officially two months since my ex moved out.  It's been up and down, but i've managed to make it through many lonely nights.  Primarily my focus has been on getting my house in order.  I started a new job, pays more money and allows me to manage my house on my own.  Very proud of that achievement.  Been throwing myself into my sons baseball team as an asst. coach, and working on my landscaping. 

Since we have kids together, I have to talk to the ex, but normally its her that initiates any contact.  When we do talk, I try not to engage like I did when she lived here... . i'm mostly quiet.  Don't elaborate too much either.  Because of the new job I wasn't able to go to therapy for about a month (insurance).  So what's the point of this post?

Well, I'm starting to see the cracks in her armor.  Specifically, I can see the pull starting to happen.  For example, she complains about the new distance between us.  We don't talk anymore, doesn't feel close to me etc.  Texted me about a week and half ago, saying how she really misses me, but tries not to show it because she wants to be strong for me (?)  The next after this text, she asks me to come over and drop my son off after his game.  I did not intend to stay long as I had laundry I wished to finish.  Everytime I wasn't giving my full attention to her, I would get the evil eye (if I was in my phone, or acting bored).  I finally left when her lesbian girlfriend called.  She wasted little time texting that she didn't want me to leave.  The next day after that, I had her keep our kids so I could clean my basement due to flooding from heavy rain and power outage.  When I come to pick them up, she practically jumps into my arms and holds onto me tightly, kissing my neck.  I didn't react to this, but simply got the kids and said goodbye to her.  However my alarm bells were ringing pretty hard at this point. 

That Saturday, we go to see the fireworks and attend a fair.  I spend most of that time with our daughter and not her.  After the fireworks were over, she had planned on taking the kids to sleep at her place, which would have been fine, but our oldest daughter had an important orientation for a academic summer program that I needed to attend as her parent.  She wanted to come, which I didn't forsee as a problem, but her grand idea was to stay at my house. Overnight.

I asked her why she would need to do that.  She stays less than 10 minutes away, and has this brand new bed that her girlfriend bought with plush pillows and is comfy and vibrates.  All of her clothes were there too, so why would she need to stay?  I said you could just be back here by 9 am and it would be cool.  That's not what she wanted... . she wanted me.  Specifically she, the woman who claims to be "lesbian", wanted to have sex with me... . again.

Long story short, I gave in (I REALLY know I shouldn't have) and I was sucked back in.  The intensity was even more than it had been before she left.  The next day, she slipped into full on gf/wife mode with me, clinging to my side, wanting to slip away for a naughty quickie in a closed classroom (we did not do it btw) and even telling me she wanted me to kiss her (i refused, telling her flat out that I didn't believe she really wanted to kiss me)

She asked me if I would come with her to visit her mom in a rehab facility (I went, but it was for me not for her) and on the way back she asked if she could randomly start having sex with me.

Mind. Blown.

I asked what I felt were all of the right questions: Why did she want to do this?  Is she not in a committed relationship?  Doesn't this fly in the face of all of the things you have been telling me (lesbian) for months?  She says its something she wants, not for me but herself.  And it doesn't bother her in the slightest that she is capable of stepping out of her relationship and flatly that she enjoys having sex with me.

Mind. Blown. Again.

Since then, I've been trying to process all of what I heard. That happened the weekend before the 4th.  Her girlfriend came back into town that Tuesday.  I made sure to set up my next therapy appointment that Monday and went to it on this past Friday.  My therapist brought two things to my attention.  First was that my ex's actions prove that despite what she's told me, she has no intentions of letting me go completely, to which I am anticipating that any relationship I start with someone new, she will attempt to get in the way of it.  Secondly, was that this sequence of events played out EXACTLY like I told her they would almost 3 months ago in a session with her.  I couldn't believe that I forgot it, but I suppose with all of the emotional upheaval it could happen.

My friends, I know I made some mistakes here.  The events of that weekend revealed another layer of just how broken my ex is.  How many of you had your ex come back to you in this manner with a request of this kind?  I know that path is riddled with heartbreak.  Did any of you feel like your ex just didn't want to let you go, even though they said they did?

[LostSunshine]

So it's been officially two months since my ex moved out.  It's been up and down, but i've managed to make it through many lonely nights.  Primarily my focus has been on getting my house in order.  I started a new job, pays more money and allows me to manage my house on my own.  Very proud of that achievement.  Been throwing myself into my sons baseball team as an asst. coach, and working on my landscaping. 

Since we have kids together, I have to talk to the ex, but normally its her that initiates any contact.  When we do talk, I try not to engage like I did when she lived here... . i'm mostly quiet.  Don't elaborate too much either.  Because of the new job I wasn't able to go to therapy for about a month (insurance).  So what's the point of this post?

Well, I'm starting to see the cracks in her armor.  Specifically, I can see the pull starting to happen.  For example, she complains about the new distance between us.  We don't talk anymore, doesn't feel close to me etc.  Texted me about a week and half ago, saying how she really misses me, but tries not to show it because she wants to be strong for me (?)  The next after this text, she asks me to come over and drop my son off after his game.  I did not intend to stay long as I had laundry I wished to finish.  Everytime I wasn't giving my full attention to her, I would get the evil eye (if I was in my phone, or acting bored).  I finally left when her lesbian girlfriend called.  She wasted little time texting that she didn't want me to leave.  The next day after that, I had her keep our kids so I could clean my basement due to flooding from heavy rain and power outage.  When I come to pick them up, she practically jumps into my arms and holds onto me tightly, kissing my neck.  I didn't react to this, but simply got the kids and said goodbye to her.  However my alarm bells were ringing pretty hard at this point. 

That Saturday, we go to see the fireworks and attend a fair.  I spend most of that time with our daughter and not her.  After the fireworks were over, she had planned on taking the kids to sleep at her place, which would have been fine, but our oldest daughter had an important orientation for a academic summer program that I needed to attend as her parent.  She wanted to come, which I didn't forsee as a problem, but her grand idea was to stay at my house. Overnight.

I asked her why she would need to do that.  She stays less than 10 minutes away, and has this brand new bed that her girlfriend bought with plush pillows and is comfy and vibrates.  All of her clothes were there too, so why would she need to stay?  I said you could just be back here by 9 am and it would be cool.  That's not what she wanted... . she wanted me.  Specifically she, the woman who claims to be "lesbian", wanted to have sex with me... . again.

Long story short, I gave in (I REALLY know I shouldn't have) and I was sucked back in.  The intensity was even more than it had been before she left.  The next day, she slipped into full on gf/wife mode with me, clinging to my side, wanting to slip away for a naughty quickie in a closed classroom (we did not do it btw) and even telling me she wanted me to kiss her (i refused, telling her flat out that I didn't believe she really wanted to kiss me)

She asked me if I would come with her to visit her mom in a rehab facility (I went, but it was for me not for her) and on the way back she asked if she could randomly start having sex with me.

Mind. Blown.

I asked what I felt were all of the right questions: Why did she want to do this?  Is she not in a committed relationship?  Doesn't this fly in the face of all of the things you have been telling me (lesbian) for months?  She says its something she wants, not for me but herself.  And it doesn't bother her in the slightest that she is capable of stepping out of her relationship and flatly that she enjoys having sex with me.

Mind. Blown. Again.

Since then, I've been trying to process all of what I heard. That happened the weekend before the 4th.  Her girlfriend came back into town that Tuesday.  I made sure to set up my next therapy appointment that Monday and went to it on this past Friday.  My therapist brought two things to my attention.  First was that my ex's actions prove that despite what she's told me, she has no intentions of letting me go completely, to which I am anticipating that any relationship I start with someone new, she will attempt to get in the way of it.  Secondly, was that this sequence of events played out EXACTLY like I told her they would almost 3 months ago in a session with her.  I couldn't believe that I forgot it, but I suppose with all of the emotional upheaval it could happen.

My friends, I know I made some mistakes here.  The events of that weekend revealed another layer of just how broken my ex is.  How many of you had your ex come back to you in this manner with a request of this kind?  I know that path is riddled with heartbreak.  Did any of you feel like your ex just didn't want to let you go, even though they said they did?

[Clearmind]

BPDs fear abandonment, fear intimacy and fear engulfment = push/pull. The sex is intended to draw you in since that is how she feels validated.

Where to now LS? What do you want?

[Octoberfest]

I think your story here drives home the point that pwBPD act on what they want NOW, not what they want in the long run.  This strategy makes sustaining relationships IMPOSSIBLE.  Think about it.

They may be out for a night on the town and see someone of the opposite sex that is REALLY attractive.  They will pursue, seduce, and sleep with them all the while having a partner and maybe kids back at home because it is what they want NOW.  Healthy people realize and can better balance these impulses.  They can say "wow, that person is attractive, but I am in a relationship" (there are still plenty of scummies out there who will go cheat, but that is another issue).  pwBPD are not capable of doing that.

It may be hard to tell from your own experience (as it is often much easier to understand things when you are removed from a situation), but you are seeing just how IMPOSSIBLE it is to make it work with these people because what they want changes by the minute, and they are not afraid to cross lines and go places that break families and relationships.

Do not beat yourself up too badly about giving in to her.  Take it as an opportunity to learn and be stronger for the next time she tries.  We have a weakness for these people; that much is obvious.

I wish you strength and peace.

[babyducks]

Hey Lost Sunshine

How many of you had your ex come back to you in this manner with a request of this kind?  I know that path is riddled with heartbreak.  Did any of you feel like your ex just didn't want to let you go, even though they said they did?

I didn't have this exact experience but something close.   She wanted to continue to use me to regulate her emotions and make her feel better.  It wasn't about me, what I wanted, what I felt, or what I needed.   I was an object of comfort for her. 

My view from my experience,  there wasn't a lot in this for me other than being fodder for the BPD mill.  Again.  And I do not want to participate in her illness at my expense.  Very not good for me.

babyducks

[LostSunshine]

BPDs fear abandonment, fear intimacy and fear engulfment = push/pull. The sex is intended to draw you in since that is how she feels validated.

Where to now LS? What do you want?

I'm sure that the sex is all about pulling me back in and keeping me close.  What do I want?  I WANT her to be right in the head! 

But what I know I need is peace in my own mind and accepting who she is.  Her coming back in this manner at me, helped me in that task.  That everything is following the script that has played out in so many other similar situations besides my own.

I will continue to not trust what she says... . but monitor her actions.  I don't consider this a re-engagement so I am not leaving the Leaving board.  Besides, I'm not committed to entering into any re-engagement without her committing to a therapy regimen.