preparing to lay down a boundary

[rise_up]

i came out to my parents 2 months ago (perhaps not in the most calm/planned way)-- this set them off. BPD traits came out of my mom and i started posting on here.

this happened while they visited from overseas. they insisted i resign my job (i'm 27) and go back to live with them for a year. if i still 'feel the same', i can come back. they think i'm being brainwashed here in the US. she laid the guilt on thick and said: we've done so much for you. at least give us a year of your life for our sake.

my head was about to blow off in anger.

through a lot of emotional turmoil, i refused to go back. i got called selfish and self-absorbed and cold hearted.

however, i did mention that i would like to re-build our connections as a family... . (less dysfunctional)... . which may mean spending time with them. but i will not quit my job.

they flew back home almost a month ago. i just got an email from my dad... . detailing a flight itinerary... . from August 3rd to December 3rd.

he did not say anything in the email... . just forwarded the dates/flight info to me.

i am about to email him back... . and basically use SET.

i am planning to say something like:

thanks for the email. you are eager to have me come over and i know that being far apart right now is difficult for you. it isn't realistic for me to be out of the country for 4 months with less than 3 weeks notice. what i can do is prepare a few short visits... . closer to october or over the christmas holidays.

thoughts? 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, rise_up

I'm probably dense, but is that flight itinerary supposed to be for you to go to your parents home from August to December? Did he actually buy the tickets? That's pretty presumptuous of them   

Anyhow, I think the reply you prepared is good... . supportive, but honest and willing to compromise within your boundaries. Good job!

I'd be curious as to what others here would think, but it does sound good and fair to me (but, your parents? Who knows... . ). Let us know what happens; I only wish you the best in your relationship with your parents... .  

[nomom4me]

Hi Rise-up, your email looks good - the only thing I would change is pick when you want to/realistically are able to go and give a more specific date range.  If you give the choice between october or december your parents may push back and want oct-dec.  Really nail it in that you can only take X amount of days off, in my experience major holidays are easier than minor ones (like birthdays).  In my family my mom is more likely to behave if there is a larger audience and if the group includes children.  Also, make plans to stay elsewhere... . you don't need to pre-inform your parents of this plan.

Good use of SET!

[GeekyGirl]

rise_up, good for you for standing up for yourself.    I know that was very difficult for you, and I hope that you know that it was not selfish or cold-hearted to put your own needs first. I've told you before how brave I think you've been through this, and that's bringing you a lot of strength.

Your e-mail is good; it does recognize that this is probably hard for your parents (Support and empathy), but you also explain what's in your best interest and offer an alternative (truth). Even if you disagree with them, you're more likely to get a better response if you show that you're willing to look at things from their point of view.