The situation:
My uBPD wife and I currently have custody of my 6 year old daughter every weekend expect one per month and Wednesday nights. Currently, weekend visitation ends on Sunday night at 6p. While this mid-week switch plan worked well when my daughter was younger, it doesn't seem to be working for her comfort/stability and it doesn't work for our household (work schedules, etc.).
My wife and I talked night before last about asking my ex-wife to change this arrangement to basically swap Wed night for Sun nights. We emailed the ex, the ex said she agreed, but asked if we were OK with the fact that with us not having any weekday time + my ex having one weekend a month, there's an 11 day stretch away from us that is created.
I hadn't thought about this. So I came up with a few ways, one good plan in particular, that we might be able to break this (IMHO, very unhealthy and way too long for a 6 year old) stretch up.
My uBPDw and I talked through it on the phone yesterday, and she was not having it. She made a point of saying that the last two times we'd been through custody changes, her opinion wasn't represented and therefore she felt she needed to stick up for herself here. (The first time we weren't married yet, and I didn't include her enough in the discussion. The second time, she was in lock step with me from the first moment through the final papers being signed) After some discussion that I felt proud about (no defense, no giving into her trying to trigger me, etc.) I finally ended the conversation in a polite tone of voice saying that if my wife had already made up her mind and there was no discussion about it, then there wasn't much more to talk about. (I said it better than that, but that's the gist)
But last night as I realize and researched the impact of the 11 days away from me/us issue, I realized and read from pros that this is not healthy. So this morning as uBPDw was leaving the house, she woke me up to tell me goodbye. She asked if I was going out of town for work and I told her no, I couldn't get back in time to get the daughter from my ex's in time for the Wed night pickup and since we weren't close to being done with the plan, we couldn't start the no-Wed night plan this week.
She asked me why we weren't do, and I explained that I'd thought more about the 11 day stretch, read quite a bit online last night, and felt uncomfortable. We talked briefly about other types of custody options, but that most of them were week on/week off type plans that simply won't work in our situation.
She, of course, started getting madder and madder as we talked. In the end, whatever else she was mad at, it seems that her primary concern is that "we'd agreed on something, your ex wife inserts her opinions in our family, and you get scared and react". I asked if I'd come to this realization on my own, would this have been a problem and she claims no. (Although I doubt that - this is about the ex but it's also about the fact that I dare to disagree with her or change my mind or alter my thinking once "it's done" She claims she'd already realized this 11 day stretch was a reality, but assumed I understood that too. Despite having it been a shared discussion I worked hard to ensure SHE came to the conclusion about the Sun/Wed night swap, rather than me just telling her that, she now claims it was my idea and she was just going along with it. In our conversation yesterday, I'd given her several specific reasons why I believed my alternative plan was a solid, all around solution that gave everyone involved (me, wife, daughter) value and improvement over current situation. Of course, she claimed she didn't understand any of those reasons and asked me to explain them several times before I just moved on. Later, she spun this to be me just trying to fix my work schedule, rather than what it is, which is addressing my wife, my own, and my daughter's needs (and IMHO doing it effectively).
I'm not sure where to turn next. I absolutely do NOT believe and will not give into the pressure to create a 11 day stretch where my daughter is not with me. But either I refuse to change from where we are now or I dig my heels in that we need to discuss the alternative plans. Either way, she's going to be resistant because she views this as my ex wife interfering, not as anything related to the best situation for the child.
I should also add that I'm pretty sure that, despite her claims to the contrary, and her ongoing desire to be seen as a full blown mom, not a part-time stepmom, she really is always doing what she can to find ways to reduce the time my daughter is around. She constantly talks about how "newly married people should have time alone to build their relationship" or "normal relationships don't effectively establish themselves in conditions like these" (i.e. having my daughter 50%). So I'm fairly certain the serious reduction in time of us having my daughter is for her is a pretty big win.
Anyone have any thoughts on where to go next? PS: My wife knew I was upset last night, despite my best efforts (pre-research) to just suck it up and not my emotions come out on display. How do I know? She was sweet and kind last night, and was both clearly fighting back her "jump on costerhusband for the slightest thing" reactions and offering up back massages. Welcome to BPD!
