Does your inner child grow up?

[musicfan42]

When I did therapy years ago, my inner child was 9-that was the age I felt she was. I felt very stuck at that age emotionally. Then after a few years, I felt like "she" was 12 and now I actually feel like she is 14. I don't feel childish inside anymore but rather a excitable teenager. I was never that excitable as a teenager so it's strange that I feel this way now.

I've done inner child work as well as therapy, support groups and I think that's what has increased my inner child age and helped her grow up. I read that inner child work could include things like getting colouring markers, writing pads, teddy bears etc so I actually went for it. I thought "Ok I'll give this a try" and it did actually help.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? (i.e. of their inner child growing up as they do more work on themselves)

[Suzn]

Hi musicfan

I've never thought of my inner child changing ages, though I've read that they can seem different ages at different times. I look at my inner child as growing in confidence and trust more than anything. If I am doing a good job parenting myself my inner child is calm and reassured that I, as the adult, will take good care of the both of us, there is no need to be fearful. (We had this discussion.)

Self discipline plays a big role. Practicing self control, enforcing boundaries, healthy coping techniques, etc... . all help grow that confidence.

I kind of hope there will always be a child inside. That's the fun side, and I know she likes cake and popcicles. 

Great topic, thanks for posting.

[musicfan42]

Thanks for the feedback suzn

I'm starting to think that my inner child really represents my impulsive side and egocentric/attention seeking/slightly narcissistic side. I can be impulsive and just want instant gratification so self-discipline has come in handy with this. REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) is fairly similar to CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) however it lists certain demands that people want. These demands are things like "everyone must like me" and "everything must go my way". Everyone has this side to their personality however REBT suggests changing these demands to preferences-things that you want to happen and things that you will work hard to make sure happen. If things don't work out, then I can always try again-it's not the end of the world. I think that acceptance and willingness have also helped with this-to accept situations as they are and to be willing to work hard to make the most of my life.

Basically, I think that I've integrated my inner child into my adult personality-I don't perceive it as a separate entity quite as much as I used to. I think this is reflected in the fact that my inner child is now 14. I looked up 14 in terms of psychological development. 11-14 years old is early adolescence and at that stage, the person wants greater independence and freedom away from the parents and they're developing a greater sense of self. I feel like I'm more independent emotionally-that I can self-soothe now whereas before I found it challenging. I also feel like I'm developing a stronger sense of self-that I'm beginning to really know who I am. So I think that 14 makes sense in my particular case. I'm probably overanalysing this however I find it fascinating!

I also think the fact that I went out and bought the colouring markers etc helped me hugely because my inner child was definitely seeking loving attention at this stage and those things definitely got me over that hump really!

[VeryFree]

Mine was 40 untill a few months ago. I'm hoping he's getting younger... .

[123Phoebe]

I don't know that my inner child has grown up as much as she's relaxed, she's between 4-5.  I was looking through old pictures when I started down the recovery road, and around that age I seem to have a stressed contemplative look on my face in most of them.  I bursted out crying seeing this, it's a look I still make when I feel uncomfortable, so had a serious emotional reaction while connecting the dots.

Nurturing my child self has been the single most important process of my recovery.  Doing things for the sake of enjoyment, learning and growth and not beating myself up every step of the way... .   Paint-by-numbers, crafty things, baking/decorating cupcakes and indoor gardening to name a few at the beginning of recovery. 

The critical voice is still there, only now it's a reminder of how far I've come and where I'd like to go... .  

It's interesting being around my mother now, as I can see her interacting with me at that age still!  That's the age she suffered her own trauma.  Sometimes she's a mean 14yr old.  Which was also a pretty traumatic age for me, too.

As I integrate into a fully functional grownup, tempering the immature underdeveloped emotions, my child self feels safe.

It all started with a question I had back at 4 and a 1/2 years old about my mom... . "Why did she say that?  Do that?"  It took 40 more years to understand and not take it personally, not let it unconsciously drive my life... .   To unenmesh, accept, forgive and to let go of the toxic binds that tied us together... .

Great thread musicfan! 

[musicfan42]

Thanks for the feedback VeryScared and 123Phoebe

VeryScared-yeah, I understand where you're coming from there... . it can be hard to tap into the inner child when you're really stressed! I hope things pick up for you soon though!

123Phoebe- Unfortunately, I have only one happy memory of my father-that's it.  I had to really think there... . to be able to come up with anything at all... . with anything good at all... . I recognise now that my father did try to spend some time with but that I rejected him because I knew that he was unreliable... . I knew that he would let me down so I distanced myself from him as much as possible really. I felt angry with him for NOT being reliable... . that I couldn't count on him for anything. I still have issues with this in relationships with men-even if I love a man, I still think that he will let me down... . that I can't count on him for anything just like I couldn't count on my father. I feel like I'm still pretty defensive around men I'm dating... . cagey. I won't tell them about certain things and then if/when I do, I push them away afterwards. I feel like I'm just looking for men to trip up-looking for their mistakes really.

I looked at childhood photos too. There are some happy photos of me before a certain age but in other photos, not at all. I seem to be happier in photos when I'm around women for the most part.

There's photos of me sitting on Santa's lap at the Santa Claus grove that shopping centres have and I look miserable in all the pictures. I can even remember now that I didn't like sitting on Santa's lap-I'd think "do I really have to do this?" I felt really uncomfortable with it and I think this is because I didn't want to be near men at all at that stage... . I just hated them. I was also sick a lot in winter so of course, that wouldn't help but definitely, I can remember feeling impatient queueing up for Santa... . feeling like the queue was taking too long and then when I got there, being disappointed with the crappy presents they gave out. I was brought to Santa's grove every year and I'd look forward to it beforehand but afterwards, I'd always feel this sense of anti-climax... . of "oh is that all it was?" Everyone hyped up Santa so much plus I ended up being told that Santa wasn't real at too young of an age so I think this is also why I have tainted memories over Santa Claus!

I had one male friend as a child but he was very soft and had strong feminine qualities. I've never been attracted to macho men-I've always liked sensitive men. I've dated some horrible men though too so I don't know! I even felt that my BPD ex had strong feminine qualities and he even said as much himself-he was amazing during the initial idealisation phase... . very understanding, very much the father figure I had always wanted. My father wasn't a loving person-he was actually quite cruel really much of the time so I think part of me still craves that father figure even though I know it's not a good idea! If a man takes a real interest in me and listens to me, I can't help but see him in a fatherly way. I know that's way too pressure to put on any man logically but emotionally, I have this longing for a male role model in my life still!  :'( I know it's my inner child that seeks the father figure... . my adult self knows that I can take care of myself but my inner child still feels a bit vulnerable... . Maybe I should be doing more to help myself feel more safe? 

[Suzn]

I agree with your discription of your inner child musicfan. Mine is also my anxiety, my fears. When I feel anxious, I know it's fear, of something. Sitting with that and figuring out what's really going on? What am afraid of, what is she afraid of? Identifying this has been very helpful in calming and being more relaxed so I can respond appropriately to that fear. 

[musicfan42]

Thanks suzn-I realised that my inner child fears abandonment more than anything! I only realised it after my BPD ex talked about his fear of abandonment. I feel like my inner child can be damanding at times, clingy... . wanting people to be around all the time... . sort of this thing of "please don't leave me". I hadn't been aware of that side of my personality but now it seems so obvious. I can even understand why my BPD ex devalued me-I'm not justifying his actions by any means but his fear of abandonment had been activated yet again and he reacted in anger. That's exactly how I react when I feel rejected/abandoned... . I get angry. I think "how dare you leave me?" I feel rage. But then underneath the anger and rage, there's a lot of fear... . and just pain... . so much pain... . gosh!

And my inner child just wants to be understood-this is a big thing too... . this sort of lament of "why doesn't anyone understand me?"... . that's my inner child.

I realise that my inner child was afraid of my father too-afraid of his rages... . afraid that he didn't love me/didn't want me... . afraid that I'd be left with him. Afraid that my mother would abandon me (she left once for a day or two and then threatened to leave years late so I clung to her fiercely so that she wouldn't leave).

I feel like my inner child is like a rose-beautiful but will attack when hurt (a rose has thorns). My inner child can be aggressive when wounded-sort of "fight fire with fire" approach whereas as an adult, I have to calm down that side of myself and tell myself not to react. I feel like it's easier dealing with anger than fear though as fear can feel utterly paralysing... . harder to get past. I feel like my inner child is a sweet little girl when she feels safe but if she doesn't feel safe, she can be harsh... . my inner child definitely has a desire for revenge... . to make other people hurt like they hurt me/her (, so confusing with the pronouns isn't it?)

My inner child is completely honest too and hates hypocrisy... . hates people pretending to love/care/like her when they really don't... . when they have ulterior motives. My inner child is loyal too-very protective of people she cares about. As an adult, I think I'm actually less caring... . not that I'm a bad person now or anything but I'm a bit more "well I have my own worries-they should sort themselves out, period". As a child, I really rooted for the underdog-with the homeless, down and outs, anyone who needed help... . I felt that I could relate to them more than people who were actually doing well. As an adult, I'm more ambitious-I can still relate to underdogs but I don't want to... . I want to get away from that and be successful and rise above it all. I feel like I'm a slightly colder person as an adult... . not as friendly, more cautious whereas my inner child is innocent, chatty, eager, enthusiastic.

My inner child is very judgmental too-just either loves or hate people whereas as an adult, I strive to be more moderate. My inner child is definitely impulsive, very all-or-nothing just dives into things whereas as an adult, I try to pace myself. I actually much prefer my inner child than my adult self-I feel like my inner child is just so raw and there's something irresistible about that rawness whereas now I feel like that rawness I had has now been repackaged into a shiny new package... . that yes, I'm still me but a more refined version. That rawness caused me issues but now that I don't have it anymore or at least not to the same extent, I miss it... . that probably sounds very ironic really. I feel like I've bought into all the values I hated as a child... . I've become more conservative and I wonder whether I'm turning into my parents in some ways... .  I tried to stop it happening but it just seems inevitable that I'd end up having their values... .

Oh my inner child is extremely attention seeking-wants attention 24/7... . that's another thing... . my inner child wants to be noticed, complimented, told how great she is etc and hates criticism.

[nolisan]

Yes ... . inner child work if good but hard work.

For me on of the most beautiful things is the deep connection my inner child now has with my 3 cats. As a kid i was allergic to furry creatures and had to settle with frog, lizards, snakes etc. But I yearned for a dog or a cat.

In my recovery from the abusive r/s my cats were amazing. I know they feel my feelings. None of them are "cuddly" by nature but they took turns sleeping close to me - all 3 on the bed.

In the morning they all great me. My inner child comes alive and just digs them so much.

Now I am actually grateful for the painful r/s ... . it let me connect with my inner child. It was his need for love that got me into a bad r/s. Now I (the loving parent) listens and loves and shares the we have a loving higher power - the partner that will never abandon us.

[nolisan]

forgot to mention: as an adult my allergies to fur disappeared.

[musicfan42]

Oh that's really sweet of your cats nolisan. I love watching nature shows and documentaries on TV- I think it's the inner child in me really! I love going to the zoo too! 

Yes, I really need my Higher Power too-I totally relate when you say "the partner that will never abandon us" because that's exactly how I feel about it! It gives me a sense of security in my life because it feels like having a safety net-that I always have that to fall back on.

I wish I could say that my loving parent is good at talking to my inner child but I can't really... . that's the part I fall down on. I seem to prefer more technical things like CBT-doing thought records on all my negative thoughts etc... .

[an0ught]

I'm currently reading "How to survive families" which discusses a lot how we socialize and grow up in our families. It is not directly "inner child" oriented but what struck a cord with me is how our limitation are a function of skipping/leaving out steps in our socialization due to the dysfunction around us. And that we do have a chance to catch up later in life by learning from others ... . but are likely to pick partner that have similar weaknesses and forgo that opportunity.

Dealing actively with BPD (and not just suffering the outbursts) certainly required me to learn a lot about myself. The way I feel about the past years is that every year I grew up 2 years emotionally.

[qwaszx]

do they have to leave? i know this might sound like a silly question, or insane really, but i think about letting her go, and it kinda just breaks us. i dont want her(my inner child) to go. whats the idea behind all the inner child stuff... . do they always stay with us or do they leave at somepoint... . im not kicking her out, but i feel held back in some areas, and she gets upset because she thinks i want her gone... . i feel like ok  time to grow up... . and shes unpacking as i pack... . anyways sorta confused. what should i be doin for her? what is the idea?