"Why did your borderline ex shut you out ... "

[HazelJade]

For those who are experiencing that special, excruciating pain of feeling totally invisible (that awful shrinking feeling that makes your bones ache).

For those who still can't work out the mixed signal of being simultaneously stalked, missed, and punished with silence.

For those who still can't believe the person they have been replaced with, and why.

For those who have dared walking away, even if out of love, and are still paying the price today.

www.wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_did_your_borderline_ex_shut_you_out_after_being_friends_for_several_months_after_the_breakup

I have found this post for chance, I don't know who has written it, but it helped me, and it tells things I hadn't found yet, not so clearly and simply explained, so I thought to share it.

with thoughts of strength and courage, for all of you.

[Octoberfest]

Good piece.  The object constancy bit was interesting to me... . helped me understand a little better how my BPDex was able to swing dating 3 guys in 3 different cities at once.  Out of sight, out of mind.  They are just there when she is in town. 

[SWLSR]

I think what they fear most is being discovered.  They lie constantly and when they feel the lie is about to be exposed.  They run from everything.  I have no desire to be friends with my ex.  She thinks we are.  After the shut out period ended she wants to be friends.  I dont.  It is when they sense this in you is when they try to reel you in there lives.

[FogLight]

Good article, it's nice to occasionally read things like this to regain the perspective that we were basically dealing with emotional children.  I remember when I was with my BPDex, I used to think she was stuck in her terrible twos.  Thinking of it that way helped me simplify the situation so I could understand it better and get on with my life.  Occasionally I lose sight of that reality and I start questioning things again, only happens when she tries to make contact in her peculiar ways.  Lately she's been calling me multiple times a week, usually several times throughout the day, sometimes as early as 3am, after almost 9 months of stone cold no contact from me.

Then over a week ago out of the blue she pulls into my driveway, just stares at me for a minute, then leaves.  I had to laugh at first, she drove a whole hour and a half here to do that?  But after a few days and several missed calls from her, I thought "who the hell is she to call me at 3am or even at all, then come showing up on MY territory?"  The old me started coming back, and anger started to build up.

So, thank you for sharing that, it gave back my perspective.  More importantly, it reminds me that things can only affect me as much as I allow them to, and I'm in complete control of that as long as I control my thoughts/beliefs.  She's stuck in her terrible twos, and I'm back to getting on with life.

[scuba02]

Very good article... . With my BPDex and in context to the object constancy, this answered a huge question... . I wondered how she could be here, sleep with me one night than be on her way to his place the next... . Or better yet both our places in the same day! OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND! How could one do this and feel anything good about themselves... . Oh yeah just don't feel!

In regards to the acting like a two year old... . Everyone including me at first chalked it up to her young age of 21... . Didn't work after awhile for me because I have another female friend who is 21 and extremely well put together... . I could see a small gap but we're talking the Grand Canyon here!

[mango_flower]

SWLSR - you've hit the nail on the head!

I started questioning her about past debt letters which she denied all knowledge of, and I started seeing things more as they were.  My idealization phase, and justifying things to myself had ended.

I think she sensed this, and that it was just a matter of time before I saw "The real her". I think this terrified her, and she jumped ship. x

[jollygreen]

Thank you for posting the link! It helped me to further breakdown what transpired. My ex crossed a major boundary for me and I confronted her. She was super ticked off. Then seemed fine about it for a week then out of the blue I come home to her angry again. She says she doesn't see her self marrying me and doesn't know if she loves me anymore. I immediately left. Of course I wouldn't have if I knew about BPD. But from that point on 'out of site out of mind paint me black' just like the article.

[whatathing]

Hello,

Thank you for this very useful link. I´ve also came across with a book that in chapter 3 gives a very good scientific approach to BPD. It helped me understand a little better how it works.

Here it is: www.ebay.ca/ctg/Psychotherapy-Personality-Disorders-Metacognition-States-Mind-and-Interpersonal-Cycles-Antonino-/57055726?_trksid=p4340.l2644&_tab=1

It also has a chapter on NPD.

[whatathing]

Better yet, I found it on google books!

www.books.google.pt/books?id=8uyJa8V4cH8C&pg=PA47&lpg=PA47&dq=semerari+dimaggio+borderline+chapter+3&source=bl&ots=PlJpZestLN&sig=o4Y26qkTrPeJwefbZ0LhQx80-zM&hl=pt-PT&sa=X&ei=X6XeUYSjBOzy7AaM9oFI&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=semerari%20dimaggio%20borderline%20chapter%203&f=false

Chapter 3 is on BPD