Back down the Rabbitt Hole

[Parents! Get help here!]

My UDDS has been NC for some time.  I have heard through my therapist who is in touch with his Shelter Counsellor that they overheard him planning to sell drugs.  They had suspected he had been smoking pot occasionally but didn't have proof until they overheard this last conversation.  There has also been another instance where some young guy knocked at the Shelter door asking for my son because he was looking to score some drugs.  DS is 20 - no job and no plans of going to school.  He insists there is nothing wrong with him and does not need help.  The shelter staff have presented him with a notice that he must vacate the premises in 30 days due to this last infraction.  He is kicking and screaming saying he isn't using/selling and nobody has any proof to say otherwise.  The shelter staff wants to give him an option of going for to rehab as a means to continuing to stay at he shelter if he successfully completes the program and makes an effort to stay clean.  My son has so many characteristics of BPD but I feel like the counsellor at the shelter doesn't see it.  He doesn't even see the degree of addiction my son is in... .   I feel very frustrated as my son has been there for what will be a year in August and no one has held him accountable to get treatment until now... .    The problem is my son is avoiding... . The team at the shelter has set multiple meetings for him to attend to give him some options and he has blown each and every one off.  He had a thirty day notice and now we are at the 15 day mark.  I am scared that he will resort to living on the streets and immersing himself TOTALLY in the drug culture if given an ultimatum... .   I feel like even if he were to attend a meeting that he would say everyone was trying to control him and choose to take the wrong path anyways.  I feel like no matter what he is sabotaging everything and bent on self destruction.  I know that people have to want to get help for themselves for it to be successful but how do you watch your child head for certain self-destruction/death? 

I have been reading various workshops and boards on validation/boundaries etc... .

I just really feel at a loss here.  The counsellor at the Shelter is a big believer in "harm-reduction"... . and sorry but I feel it's a bit late in the game to say that not only is that an outdated approach - but it is one that I can honestly say in this case has only made things worse.  My son wants nothing to do with us  as the last time I drove up to take him on a pre-planned grocery shopping trip he intentionally evaded me (and made sure I saw him whilst doing so).

I have a feeling that if this continues he'll call us in the 11th hour and tell us that if we don't help him (give him $ and a place to live) that he will be forced to live on the streets and become a full fledged drug dealer (because that's where the real $ is... . )... .  

Do I just say " That is not our dream for you as we feel you deserve a happy, healthy and prosperous life because we Love you.  But now you need to Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve a life full of Love and Hope.  If you can't want that for yourself no amount of us wanting it for you will make it happen... . ? My son is also anorexic and I believe if he chooses the streets he will die either because he OD's or from starvation (which will not take long... . )  I am desperate with worry... . what should I do?

[truenorth]

My UDDS has been NC for some time.  I have heard through my therapist who is in touch with his Shelter Counsellor that they overheard him planning to sell drugs.  They had suspected he had been smoking pot occasionally but didn't have proof until they overheard this last conversation.  There has also been another instance where some young guy knocked at the Shelter door asking for my son because he was looking to score some drugs.  DS is 20 - no job and no plans of going to school.  He insists there is nothing wrong with him and does not need help.  The shelter staff have presented him with a notice that he must vacate the premises in 30 days due to this last infraction.  He is kicking and screaming saying he isn't using/selling and nobody has any proof to say otherwise.  The shelter staff wants to give him an option of going for to rehab as a means to continuing to stay at he shelter if he successfully completes the program and makes an effort to stay clean.  My son has so many characteristics of BPD but I feel like the counsellor at the shelter doesn't see it.  He doesn't even see the degree of addiction my son is in... .   I feel very frustrated as my son has been there for what will be a year in August and no one has held him accountable to get treatment until now... .    The problem is my son is avoiding... . The team at the shelter has set multiple meetings for him to attend to give him some options and he has blown each and every one off.  He had a thirty day notice and now we are at the 15 day mark.  I am scared that he will resort to living on the streets and immersing himself TOTALLY in the drug culture if given an ultimatum... .   I feel like even if he were to attend a meeting that he would say everyone was trying to control him and choose to take the wrong path anyways.  I feel like no matter what he is sabotaging everything and bent on self destruction.  I know that people have to want to get help for themselves for it to be successful but how do you watch your child head for certain self-destruction/death? 

I have been reading various workshops and boards on validation/boundaries etc... .

I just really feel at a loss here.  The counsellor at the Shelter is a big believer in "harm-reduction"... . and sorry but I feel it's a bit late in the game to say that not only is that an outdated approach - but it is one that I can honestly say in this case has only made things worse.  My son wants nothing to do with us  as the last time I drove up to take him on a pre-planned grocery shopping trip he intentionally evaded me (and made sure I saw him whilst doing so).

I have a feeling that if this continues he'll call us in the 11th hour and tell us that if we don't help him (give him $ and a place to live) that he will be forced to live on the streets and become a full fledged drug dealer (because that's where the real $ is... . )... .  

Do I just say " That is not our dream for you as we feel you deserve a happy, healthy and prosperous life because we Love you.  But now you need to Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve a life full of Love and Hope.  If you can't want that for yourself no amount of us wanting it for you will make it happen... . ? My son is also anorexic and I believe if he chooses the streets he will die either because he OD's or from starvation (which will not take long... . )  I am desperate with worry... . what should I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, truenorth... .  I'm so sorry to hear what is happening now with your son; I've read your posts and have so much sympathy for you; my own adult son is dBPD, and the troubles we have gone through with him over the last 20 years or so (he is 36 now) have been heartbreaking. I just do understand what you are going through, and I so hope you can just hang in there... . I know you have been reading about the communication tools here, but I'm wondering if you've seen any of these links?

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

What can a parent do? (for parents of pwBPD)

Radical Acceptance for family members

If your son were ever to realize that he needs help, and would agree to a treatment program, do you know if there is a Dual Diagnosis Program anywhere near you? I have to say, my own son had been in and out of 2 traditional rehabs in 3 years, and each time he relapsed because there was no mental health treatment to speak of involved. In April 2013 he again was admitted (after a suicide ideation), but this time to a Dual Diagnosis Program--inpatient, for 21 days--and this is where he was diagnosed with BPD. This program saved his life; gave him the missing link to what was causing all his troubles and opened his eyes to the fact that there was something that could be done. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. The fact that your son has substance abuse issues, an eating disorder, and probable BPD, would seem to make him eligible for a DD Program. Just a thought... .

[qcarolr]

truenorth  - you are in such a 'between a rock and hard place'. When there is such fear of losing our child, no matter the age they are always our child and we love them, it makes it hard to sort out how to be supportive without being enabling.  I really struggle with these fears with my BPDDD27.

It is so important to be clear with ourselves about the boundaries we need to protect our values - that line we cannot let our BPDkid cross. Often this is money and a place to live. Your son sounds in a more extreme place than my DD - she has lived on the streets with many other messed up people and has survived. I know there are times she has done drugs/sold drugs/delivered drugs/picked up drugs. I have enabled her in these relationships in the past when unable to accept her being homeless. She has refused to accept the rules of any transistion shelter programs over past 5 years. She justifies using meth with her desire to lose weight, having ADHD and wanting to 'think clearer'. She has been more open in past couple weeks with me about this drug use -- though still denies she has a problem when I respond with concern.

What things can you do for him if he is on the street that are not enabling? Only you can make this final decision. Giving your love, just as you state in your initial post here - for me that is always supportive. Even when the reaction is an angry one. How can you be prepared, have a plan, for the expected demands? Maybe we can be a sounding board for ideas.

qcr  

[truenorth]

Rapt reader and Qcarolr,

Thank you for your support and encouragement.  I know in my heart the right way to progress with my son... . it's just difficult and at times overwhelming.  My biggest frustration lately has actually been watching how my son's Shelter counsellor has been handling the situation.  I know he believes the lies that my son has told them about us and therefore he is very unwilling to deal directly with us, 1. because of confidentiality reasons (which I understand), but 2. because of the lies my son has told him.  I know he doesn't see the BPD and the ED was only acknowledged after I said I would hold the Shelter responsible if he was to drop from a cardiac event or stroke out due to the ED... . only then did he take my concerns seriously... .

I just honestly feel sometimes that I am dealing with a two headed monster!  I know at the heart of everything my son is the only one who can decide if he will get help or not... . but I had hoped that when he went into the shelter the enabling would stop and to see it be continued by the very shelter who should have been holding him more accountable is so hard to watch... . It just feels like :  "Here we go again... . "

Rapt reader, I am in complete agreement about getting him into a Dual Diagnosis Program.  When we first got him into the Shelter and he agreed to go for help we had started the admission process for a dual diagnosis program out of province.  Actually there are no dual diagnosis programs in our Province they are all out of province or out of country.  So we had initiated the admissions process but he felt it was taking too long and changed his mind.  If he agrees to go again we will have to start all over.  There is one that I know of who our Therapist recommends that I feel will address his needs. 

QCarolr,  My heart goes out to you that you are also struggling with these issues with your DD.  So difficult, isn't it?  I agree the best way to go is to show love at all times but to not enable through money or living arrangements, etc... . Thank you for sharing your story.

[qcarolr]

I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. For strength, courage and guidance. For hope that he will become more open to accepting he has the problem and seeking the treatment opportunties there in front of him.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Hi truenorth,   

Watching our adult child self-destruct is one of the hardest burdens to bear. There's no sugar coating it... .

I am so sorry you are going through this.   

You have a therapist, and a plan with options that your son can take advantage of, if he comes to a conclusion that he wants his life to be different... .

You are doing all you can, he must want that for himself (but you already know that). Just wanted to encourage you on your tough journey... .

PessiO

[truenorth]

Thank you Qcarolr and Pessim-Optimist for your encouraging words of hope and support.  Since coming to these boards I feel as though the load has become much lighter.

It's in hearing about other folk's problems and solutions(as well as all of the other great resources here), that true hope and learning can happen.   

[truenorth]

Hi Reality,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think there is anything more devastating to bear.  The fact that you are on these boards helping others is a true testament to your strength, selflessness and character. I can't Thank you enough for your reply.  The Homewood Health Centre, in Guelph, ON was the recommendation given to us and I know that they do DBT there which I believe would help my son enormously.  We live in Nova Scotia about one and a half hours southwest of Halifax.  Being that we are in somewhat of a rural setting there isnt much available in terms RTF.  In fact there is only one psychiatrist avail in the area and he takes months to get into... . but enough said about that.  I am going to look into the Montana Academy and will check out the books as well. Thank you again Reality, your input means so much to me.

[Reality]

Hello True North,

Has your son finished high school? 

BTW, there is some truth that people need to want to get help before the help can be successful.  That is not always the case.  Sometimes, the person is so dysregulated they are incapable of actually wanting anything.  It can be very tricky.

Who recommended Homewood?  Is it covered by your provincial insurance?  Have you talked with anyone who has been there? 

Substance use is very common for males with BPD, by the way. 

True North, do you see a Therapist?  Or a kind priest or minister?  Or social worker?  What supports do you have? 

Keep posting.  There will be many good suggestions for you here.

Reality

PS. Thank you for your kind words.

[truenorth]

Hi Reality,

Yes my son is twenty and always a high achiever/very intelligent, so actually graduated 6 months earlier than his peers at 17.  At least school kept him somewhat on track for a short time (he actually does better in a structured environment).  After school finished for him is when things really fell apart.  I see a therapist who is based out of BC ( we do phone sessions).  She has been a life line for my family and she initially suggested Homewood.  I have talked to a few parents via posts who had their kids there for ED/addictions.  It requires Minister of Health to sign off on a recommendation by family Dr and psychiatrist before funding will be granted by insurance.  This is where it fell off the rails last time because it took time to get him in to see the Dr and then psychiatrist for the recommendations and during the wait he changed his mind... . so frustrating... .

Anyways, Thank you for your posts.  BTW do you know anything about Homewood?

[Reality]

Hi truenorth,

Your son is so very intelligent and did exceptionally well at school.  Structure is always a good thing for pwBPD.  It contains them and keeps them on track. 

Did your son experience a trauma that de-railed him?  When did he start using drugs?  When did he stop eating properly?  Do you think the non-eating is related to drug use? 

My son, too, would not eat for periods of time, so I am curious.  PwBPD often have eating issues. 

I find it very interesting that your T is in BC, because my sense is that  BC is miles ahead of the rest of Canada in terms of MH awareness and services. 

That wait period is so frustrating and I know that story well.  A common MH dilemma.

Yes, I do know Homewood.  When did these young people go to Homewood? 

Why do you think your son has BPD?  Has he been diagnosed?  I will try to research your other posts.  Sorry if I am asking so many questions.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Reality and truenorth -

I came across this research abstract and thought it might interest you both. The research has not yet been published. This is from the NIH (National Institute of Health) PubMed site (public access). It mentions the 'body image' issues for male teens. Hmmm - the food issues fit here?

J Pers Disord. 2013 Jun 24. [Epub ahead of print]

Developmental Trajectories to Male Borderline Personality Disorder.

Goodman M, Patel U, Oakes A, Matho A, Triebwasser J.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23795759

Hope you can find the resources you so need for your son, truenorth.

qcr  

[Reality]

qcaroir,

You find the most interesting research.  Thank you.

For some reason, I can't access the abstract.  The link goes to a description, but I don't know how to read the whole abstract.

Reality

[truenorth]

Thank you Qcarolr for the links! Much appreciated!

[qcarolr]

The entire article in Journal of Personality Disorders is available from Guilford Press. There is a fee though, which is why I haven't read the whole thing. If you are interested in more info let me know with a PM. Click on my name at left and send personal message.

qcr