Broke the NC and did the toxic dance

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just did the most stupid thing ever... .

Last Sunday was his birthday, since my escape we remained in NC, apart from two mails that came from me, asking for legal divorce and him responding with big laughter and saying "you are not my wife anymore, I divorced already, you think I will want you back" nonsense.

I was going good, or that's what I thought so. Since he blocked me in fb, I started to check his online profile from a spare account (my bad), saw that he added all his exes there and constantly flirting with them all. At once I stayed calm, managed to not give a response.

The week before his birthday it started to hit me, I was crying and thinking of all the plans we had for the birthdays (mine also in this month) we were always talking how different it would be for us to celebrate as a family and from now on always we would be together in birthdays, had so many plans made for that day. I cried a lot, tried to distract myself, came to the boards to talk, talked with my friends who know the situation, yet last night I literally lost it all.  :'(

First I wrote a mail to him, it started with a normal letter, in the middle I expressed all the sadness and the end finished with the accumulated anger. How much I hate him to see with his exes and that he deserves that cheap ... . 's , etc etc... . I am not proud of myself but it was just a venting point for me. Then I hit the send button!   

Got a very shocking reply, full of apologies for the times he hurt me, said all that sad things, that he knows we can't ever be together again but he still loves me, wishes me the good luck in my new life, and adding those girls was just a way to "tease" me as he knew how jealous I was towards him.

As you can guess, I answered back, we had fights/teasings in mail and then he managed me to log to Skype and talk to him. (at that moment my two best friends whom are other countries were begging me to stop) I was like under spell, didn't hear or get any of their warnings, which were pretty clear "get off the skype and cut him off, he will hurt you again"

We started to talk, things heated up, again turned into a full blown attack towards me, how he hates me and my friends, how he is dreaming of having sex with particular of them, c*m in their face then spit on their body and kick them out from home, how he is planning to make me hospitalized if he ever gets me in his hands, how he never touched any other woman cos he still loves me, the women who are pursuing him, that he is alone and crying every night, that I was the world to him, that he loves me, that he hates me... . that I'm the best person he who ever met and that I am a b?tch... . things were basically like that. A typical BPD conversation, which I wouldn't expect any less from him, yet I fell for this trick.

I really really missed the guy behind that sickness, his sense of humor, his warmth... . everything and anything about him but without the sprinkles of BPD ofcourse. I saw it again that the abusive, insultive, paranoid guy is real, that every bad thing had happened in that country was real, that the nightmare I had was not a game of my mind. I also saw, I am not the healthiest or sane person, I have buttons whom screaming as "push me" and he knows how to use them. I was trying to control him, even we are no longer together, threatening him to delete all his exes else I will not speak to him (not being proud, just telling how dysfunctional my mind was) and that I hate him, not hate him, still love him but no way to be together, that I miss him, that I don't miss him... . at some point I became the abuser  :'(

The biggest revelation about last night came from him which I directly quote here: "hahha. no i understand its not about you love me its about your ego.you feel bad because you saw i didnt care about you after you escaped, you are sick person" and he was right... . it was about my ego and my need of validation. I needed to validate my existence for him, never mind he did everything to hurt me when we were married and in same home. I should have been happy that I am out from that abuse, no more drama, no more insults and last night I invited the whole party into my head by breaking the NC.

Now what? I saw the dark side of my own soul... . it's not that pretty to look into. He is extremely smart person, even admitted he added all those girls to trigger my reaction cos he knew I couldn't resist to react. Told me that, any man I will be together will remind me of my own dad and how he cheated of my mother, so that I will be always paranoid and just because of that I will make life a hell to my partner and that he will cheat me eventually. Which is true in it's own sense, because I really have strong trust issues when it comes to romantic relationships.

Now I am in my bed, only 3 hours of sleeping, bittersweet taste in my mouth and huge pain in my stomach. Eyes are burning cos of crying and lack of sleep and I DID THAT TO MYSELF! I could have stayed NC, I could have write the damn letter and choose not to send it, I could have not reply his emails... .

I am so frustrated at myself, at him... . and mostly to his illness. We can't even have a closure talk without threatening and hurting each other, and that hurts. I also tried to talk about BPD but that was one of the moments he painted me black, so he refused to listen... . it was a toxic dance like one of the dear souls here used once to describe the relationship with him, full blown rage from me and that moment he is calm and attentive and talking how much he loves and misses me, I get calmer and start talking and he gets more nervous and angry and we shift the polars. Full blown rage from him and I am calm and attentive, then vice versa and again and again for many times. Can you belive we did that for hours and hours without really going anywhere?

I am so angry at myself, yet maybe this was needed. Because as time goes by, I started to forget the abusive and bad parts and dwell on the good sides of him which made me miss him more and more. Last night showed me all the dysfunctional of the r/s with all the glory so I think I will not miss to talk at least another month!

Anyone else who also experienced same stuff? How and why the detachment takes so much effort and why I craved his crazyness after I done everything to escape from him?

[Simona]

I just did the most stupid thing ever... .

Last Sunday was his birthday, since my escape we remained in NC, apart from two mails that came from me, asking for legal divorce and him responding with big laughter and saying "you are not my wife anymore, I divorced already, you think I will want you back" nonsense.

I was going good, or that's what I thought so. Since he blocked me in fb, I started to check his online profile from a spare account (my bad), saw that he added all his exes there and constantly flirting with them all. At once I stayed calm, managed to not give a response.

The week before his birthday it started to hit me, I was crying and thinking of all the plans we had for the birthdays (mine also in this month) we were always talking how different it would be for us to celebrate as a family and from now on always we would be together in birthdays, had so many plans made for that day. I cried a lot, tried to distract myself, came to the boards to talk, talked with my friends who know the situation, yet last night I literally lost it all.  :'(

First I wrote a mail to him, it started with a normal letter, in the middle I expressed all the sadness and the end finished with the accumulated anger. How much I hate him to see with his exes and that he deserves that cheap ... . 's , etc etc... . I am not proud of myself but it was just a venting point for me. Then I hit the send button!   

Got a very shocking reply, full of apologies for the times he hurt me, said all that sad things, that he knows we can't ever be together again but he still loves me, wishes me the good luck in my new life, and adding those girls was just a way to "tease" me as he knew how jealous I was towards him.

As you can guess, I answered back, we had fights/teasings in mail and then he managed me to log to Skype and talk to him. (at that moment my two best friends whom are other countries were begging me to stop) I was like under spell, didn't hear or get any of their warnings, which were pretty clear "get off the skype and cut him off, he will hurt you again"

We started to talk, things heated up, again turned into a full blown attack towards me, how he hates me and my friends, how he is dreaming of having sex with particular of them, c*m in their face then spit on their body and kick them out from home, how he is planning to make me hospitalized if he ever gets me in his hands, how he never touched any other woman cos he still loves me, the women who are pursuing him, that he is alone and crying every night, that I was the world to him, that he loves me, that he hates me... . that I'm the best person he who ever met and that I am a b?tch... . things were basically like that. A typical BPD conversation, which I wouldn't expect any less from him, yet I fell for this trick.

I really really missed the guy behind that sickness, his sense of humor, his warmth... . everything and anything about him but without the sprinkles of BPD ofcourse. I saw it again that the abusive, insultive, paranoid guy is real, that every bad thing had happened in that country was real, that the nightmare I had was not a game of my mind. I also saw, I am not the healthiest or sane person, I have buttons whom screaming as "push me" and he knows how to use them. I was trying to control him, even we are no longer together, threatening him to delete all his exes else I will not speak to him (not being proud, just telling how dysfunctional my mind was) and that I hate him, not hate him, still love him but no way to be together, that I miss him, that I don't miss him... . at some point I became the abuser  :'(

The biggest revelation about last night came from him which I directly quote here: "hahha. no i understand its not about you love me its about your ego.you feel bad because you saw i didnt care about you after you escaped, you are sick person" and he was right... . it was about my ego and my need of validation. I needed to validate my existence for him, never mind he did everything to hurt me when we were married and in same home. I should have been happy that I am out from that abuse, no more drama, no more insults and last night I invited the whole party into my head by breaking the NC.

Now what? I saw the dark side of my own soul... . it's not that pretty to look into. He is extremely smart person, even admitted he added all those girls to trigger my reaction cos he knew I couldn't resist to react. Told me that, any man I will be together will remind me of my own dad and how he cheated of my mother, so that I will be always paranoid and just because of that I will make life a hell to my partner and that he will cheat me eventually. Which is true in it's own sense, because I really have strong trust issues when it comes to romantic relationships.

Now I am in my bed, only 3 hours of sleeping, bittersweet taste in my mouth and huge pain in my stomach. Eyes are burning cos of crying and lack of sleep and I DID THAT TO MYSELF! I could have stayed NC, I could have write the damn letter and choose not to send it, I could have not reply his emails... .

I am so frustrated at myself, at him... . and mostly to his illness. We can't even have a closure talk without threatening and hurting each other, and that hurts. I also tried to talk about BPD but that was one of the moments he painted me black, so he refused to listen... . it was a toxic dance like one of the dear souls here used once to describe the relationship with him, full blown rage from me and that moment he is calm and attentive and talking how much he loves and misses me, I get calmer and start talking and he gets more nervous and angry and we shift the polars. Full blown rage from him and I am calm and attentive, then vice versa and again and again for many times. Can you belive we did that for hours and hours without really going anywhere?

I am so angry at myself, yet maybe this was needed. Because as time goes by, I started to forget the abusive and bad parts and dwell on the good sides of him which made me miss him more and more. Last night showed me all the dysfunctional of the r/s with all the glory so I think I will not miss to talk at least another month!

Anyone else who also experienced same stuff? How and why the detachment takes so much effort and why I craved his crazyness after I done everything to escape from him?

[Cooper10]

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  I can't count the times I responded when I shouldn't have or sent the email or text message that shouldn't have been sent.  I knew better but it was as though I was powerless to stop it.  I even remember looking at friends and telling them I was going to do this again, and they, heartbroken for me with knowledge of what was to come, would plead with me not to and watch helplessly as I did it anyway.

I think the continued desire to reach out despite everything just means you're not over it yet, unfortunately.  The results of my last similar mistake in entertaining conversation with my ex were exactly what I needed to get over it, though.   When he turned on me so quickly and launched into hatred and insults one minute juxtaposed with compliments and remorse the next, it was as though I saw the situation from outside of myself and realized that none of it--the good or the bad--had anything to do with me.  It didnt even hurt anymore at that point.  I finally realized that my identity did not consist of what he thought of me, whether in idolization or devaluation.

Unfortunately there are no magic words to help you just realize this, at least there weren't for me.   I just had to repeat the "toxic dance" enough times that it clicked for me.  Don't dwell on what you did wrong.   Try to focus on what keeps drawing you back to him and work on that.

[mango_flower]

It's ok In fact, it's good!  Because you now KNOW that he isn't going to change, and your interactions will always be like that.  You've dipped your toes back into the shark pool and been bitten.  So now you know that the way forward is complete NC

Today is a new day - day 1.  It'll take a few days to get back to where you were, so be gentle on yourself and focus on YOU and your new life xxx

[danley]

Yes.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us have done the toxic dance. I did it because I wanted answers and wanted validation that our relationship meant something to him. I wanted closure. But most of all, I believed he would come around and rest his fears and shame aside. After many tries I finally realized I was getting nauseous from the dips and twirls of the toxic dance. I basically gave up trying and focused more on myself.

I understand your frustration. I always ended up feeling crappy for reaching out only to have him step on me days, hours, and sometimes even minutes later.  It felt like a No win situation.

You miss him. That's normal. You broke NC. It happens. Look at your last conversation and how his words of attack made you feel. Use it as reminder that you don't deserve to be raged at. You're in the grieving process. Detaching is hard because you still have feelings for him. I dont think its normal to completely detach suddenly from someone you have a great deal of history with. You crave his craziness simply because you miss him. It could also be codependency as well. You can't depend on your ex to help make you feel better. Perhaps if he gets the help he needs you'll be able to talk without the rages or toxicity. You can only depend on yourself now. Happiness is a choice. It's up to you and nobody else to make you happy.

Be kind to yourself... .

[Cooper10]

One thing I found helpful in detaching and curbing the desire to reach out was to set manageable rules for myself in terms of checking in on my ex.  For example, with your Facebook account you've set up, don't say "I can never look at that again."  Instead tell yourself, "I won't let myself look at that until the end of the month."  Usually, when I would do that, by the time the end of the month came, I no longer felt the desire to look.

I also got in a bad habit of rereading old emails and text messages which was unhealthy and prevented me from letting go.  It's a big step, but if you haven't already, I recommend deleting all of that. 

[papawapa]

Listen sweetheart, it is not your soul that is dark or evil. Your soul is your spirit, it is who you really are. It is the part of you that is kind and loving and caring. It is your ego that is the problem. Your ego is like an outer shell that tries to protect your spirit. Your ego is what makes you lash out.

[LosingIt2]

Sounds more like NPD than BPD-he just sounds like a ___ head, honestly.

[Simona]

I think the continued desire to reach out despite everything just means you're not over it yet, unfortunately.  The results of my last similar mistake in entertaining conversation with my ex were exactly what I needed to get over it, though.   When he turned on me so quickly and launched into hatred and insults one minute juxtaposed with compliments and remorse the next, it was as though I saw the situation from outside of myself and realized that none of it--the good or the bad--had anything to do with me.  It didnt even hurt anymore at that point.  I finally realized that my identity did not consist of what he thought of me, whether in idolization or devaluation.

Thank you... . I just miss him when he was in his normal moods ofcourse, not the under BPD. However, today we kept in being touch, I wrote him a mail by using the S.E.T. tools to tell him why we can't stay in touch. It was my first try to use the tools and I got two lines of response, telling how angry he is and if I made my friends to write that letter? Then gave me an ultimatum to go online in Skype, I said no and he went off... . so far away and broke up and still we fight like we are in same room. I got my first cyber silent treatment!

Listen sweetheart, it is not your soul that is dark or evil. Your soul is your spirit, it is who you really are. It is the part of you that is kind and loving and caring. It is your ego that is the problem. Your ego is like an outer shell that tries to protect your spirit. Your ego is what makes you lash out.

Thanks papawapa, maybe it's how you said it. I have always described myself as a "healthy egoist" but the one who wrote those lines were not healthy at all. I need to make more soulsearching to see why I give that reactions.

It's ok In fact, it's good!  Because you now KNOW that he isn't going to change, and your interactions will always be like that.  You've dipped your toes back into the shark pool and been bitten.  So now you know that the way forward is complete NC

Today is a new day - day 1.  It'll take a few days to get back to where you were, so be gentle on yourself and focus on YOU and your new life xxx

My dear friend, :*

Sadly it didn't turn out like that. We are still in touch, I am wrestling with a shark and we all know there isn't any winner in this. I am trying to use the tools I have learned from this site and yet, he is so angry and hurt.

Sounds more like NPD than BPD-he just sounds like a ___ head, honestly.

Hahaha... . you made me laugh... . well he definitely has NPD tendencies too... . and at times he can turn a real ___ head too. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

Thank you all for supporting. It is one of the hard times and I just hope this too shall pass.

[papawapa]

Hang it in there. It will come in waves. Yesterday I felt very strong and adamant that I was done and moving on. Today I am feeling the opposite. Keep coming back and sharing, it gets easier as time passes.