Is 12 yrs old too young to understand mother is uBPD?

[meplus1]

I have to ask, and since most on this board grew up with relative or parent with BPD, how much should I tell my S12?  I mean, in retrospect, how extreme of actions do you wish the non-BPD to have taken to get you to understand? or even to get you out of there?  I feel that I am capable of handling myself after a decade of eggshells, but how much should I really explain to my little man?  I did post a bit of background in the introductions section if it helps in recommending something.  Do I sit down with him and go over the various techniques, or hand him a book? if so what book?  Do I show him this forum?  He's extremely bright and witty for his age, just dont want to create any more trauma on him than he already sees and sometimes has to deal with.

Any advice would be helpful, thank u.

[Kwamina]

Hi meplus1,

You ask some very important questions. I don't have all the answers, but I'll tell you what I would have wanted to happen when I was 12 years old and living with my uBPD mother. It would have greatly hepled me if someone had told me my mother has serious mental and emotional issues and that when she takes her frustrations out on me I shouldn't take it personally because it's only a reflection of her inner chaos. I think it would also have hepled me if someone told me that in spite of all the hurtful things she says and does, she does love me but is just incapable of consistenly behaving in a (healthy) loving fashion towards her children. A 12 year old probably won't understand everything about personality disorders but it is important to let a child now that there's nothing wrong with him/her, no matter what the BPD parents says or does. There's something wrong with the BPD parent.

[isshebpd]

Its possible some information on BPD might be unnecessary and confusing for him, if it doesn't apply to his particular uBPDmom. For instance, if I had been told BPDs often self-harm, it would have been useless (and confusing) for me as my uBPDmom doesn't have that particular trait.

I just did a quick google search for books on boundaries for children. There are some out there with a  child focus. Understanding the basic concepts of boundaries would be valuable for any kid that age, even if they aren't from a dysfunctional family.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[brebegone]

Meplus1 - I wish at 12 someone had explained to me what was happening with my mom and that it wasn't something that she could control.  I think that at least explaining what you have learned about BPD that applies to your situation would help your sibling cope with his teen years.  It is important to know that this is something the uBPD can't control and mainly that it is not your siblings responsibility and he has done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. 

I sure your sibling even though they are 12 would in the long run really appreciate the coping mechanisms you have found to work in your situation.  Even if they can't fully grasp the situation at least being aware of it is a step in the right direction. I found that having a uBPD mother caused me to grow up extremely quickly and I feel that I could have handled the information at 12 to understand the situation.

Do make sure that if you tell your sibling be very firm on the fact that they can't tell your uBPD mom what BPD is or that she may have it.  It would turn out very poorly for your sibling in the long run I believe. 

In the end you are the only one who can determine if your sibling would benefit form hearing about BPD and can handle the coping techniques.  I hope you make the right decision.

[meplus1]

I ordered a couple books for him today, one is written for teens regarding emotions and DBT techniques, and the other is the "Power of Validation, Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self Harm, and Out of Control Emotions."  I am very hopeful that the content will actually be productive for the both of us, and that I hope to go through it with him.  Will have to plan special father son time for it, and I'm having the books shipped in confidence to a family member who is aware of the situation. 

Thank you all for sharing your insight, it means a lot to me.