vacation

[ComoLu]

I am currently at the beach with my kids and grandkids.  They all wanted to come so badly.  We had vacationed here as a family for 7 years while I was with my ex.  When we were here, he was always the best version of himself, and we had great times. 

I knew I would have strong memories of him here.  In trying to put him behind me, I have gritted my teeth and dealt with the pain of leaving him behind while I started over.  I knew that I would have to do that here too, but it is more than I bargained for.  I am a bit overwhelmed.  I am trying, but I still feel sadder than I have in quite a while.

I have a new man in my life now.  He did not come with us on this trip since we just started dating, and my family isn't ready for him yet, but that somehow makes everything both better and worse.  I talk to him most days, and being flooded with memories of my ex while I talk to him makes it all surreal.

I know I need to get past this.  I know it will make me stronger and better able to deal with similar situations in the future, but right now, I almost feel like I am drowning.  I am smiling for my family and hoping they don't see too much of my pain, but it is so hard. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[eniale]

The beach is what they call a "trigger", it's triggering memories of him.  Do you have a therapist?  You really need one.  If cost is an issue, try checking on a Family Service Organization in your county.  They will have a sliding scale for payment.  Also research Trauma Bonding.  If your ex has BPD, you will understand why breakup is much more painful from ordinary breakup, painful as that is.  Nice you have someone new in your life, but the priority needs to be to work on YOU.  When you trigger something, there is a strong pull back due to memories.  You can/will get over this.  One thing I do is make myself change thought patterns and recall all the bad stuff.  That usually bring on anger, not bitter destructive anger, but healthy, appropriate anger and I realize I would never want to be with him again after how badly he hurt me.  Can you do this?  That can bring immediate relief, until you get to see therapist and also research Trauma Bonding.  Do not be tempted to have contact with him!  That will only set you back on your road to recovery.  Don't know how long it has been for you; I found the first 2 months the hardest:  1st month a haze of pain, 2nd, beginning to get my thoughts in order, 3rd a little stronger & by the 4th feeling much better.  But everyone is different.  Important:  therapist, researching Trauma Bonding (aka Stockholm Syndrome) NC (no contact).  And the support of friends!  Wishing you all the best!  You WILL feel better.

[ComoLu]

Thanks for the advice and good wishes.  I am nearly 2 yrs. out.  Divorce has been final for nearly 4 mos.  I have done therapy, and I knew this would be a trigger for me before I came.  I find that I have to face my fears and memories, let them cause me the pain, and harden me for the next time, the next step. My scars keep me strong. I do not want my fears to keep me from enjoying my new life.  I actually have had to contact him because we are selling a house together, and we got an offer within hours of my leaving for vacation.  I am sad, but he does not know it.  This is just one more barrier I have to get through to heal.  I am working on me, believe me.  I have been doing that for 2 yrs.  Sometimes the melancholy gets to me.  That's all.  I cannot pretend that I do not still have feelings for him or memories of him.  I am learning to live for me in spite of it and without him.  I don't even imagine any more that I could ever be with him.  I don't think he will ever get help or treatment.  I just sometimes miss the man I thought he was for 32 yrs.  I probably always will, but I am a survivor.  I am no longer a victim.

[Lady31]

ComoLu,

You are AMAZING!  I'm proud of you and soo happy for you.  You may not feel strong right now, but you are OBVIOUSLY a VERY strong person.  You are going to come through this.  I can say that with certainty merely by the way you choose to think regarding this.

32 years is a long time, but God created us as resilient beings.  Absolutely mind blowing.  The body's ability to heal, as well as the soul, as long as we know how to process the cancers of the soul out for complete healing and wholeness to come in.  You are making HUGE lead way!  I am starting down that path myself.

You have encouraged me tonight as I am sitting here pondering over my (much shorter) marriage and the fact that we will be signing our separation agreement and final divorce decree this coming week.

I want your courage.  

It's okay to feel upset.  Give yourself permission to be upset.  I don't know about you, but sometimes I struggle with that because then I feel like I'm broken or something and I can get into fear if I'm not careful.  In reality, it is absolutely expected to feel that way with the hurdle and milestone you are taking on.  Even if you had a full on breakdown, that's ok.  The real milestone right now is the fact that you are there and doing it.  You have already succeeded in this phase of your healing.

Maybe think more of "Yeah, it's sad and brings me down some, but I'm doing it!  I CAN do this!  It's not the end of my life and it will not destroy me.  I get stronger and stronger every day."

Much love and peace to you Como!  Enjoy your family the best you can.

[ComoLu]

Lady,

Thank you.  You have heartened me.  Breathing through the pain and seeing progress and a new day are amazing.  2 yrs. ago when he deserted our family, I nearly did have a break down.  I am so happy with the progress I have made.  I have no regrets.  He helped make me who I am, and I like me.  All of us get down sometimes.  The difference is in if and how we get up.  I wish you luck and strength in your journey.  Sounds to me like you are well on your way.  I am still sad, a part of my heart will always be broken, but I am going to be just fine.  You will too.