He wanted to involve our 8yrs old daughter in all this drama

[awomanlearning]

Yesterday i found out that my H hasnt said a word to his adultress about him coming home which was friday guess i knew all along but what followed blew me away! He wanted to tell our daughter about our issues! she is 8! How can he think telling her the ins and outs of what is going on is going to help her. She has accepted daddy lives with someone else and he comes to visit but now because i said i will not accept his controlling behaviour his going after our daughter! I refused to allow him to skype with the children and instead made him text i was writing the texts as my daughter spoke there were things he was saying to her that were about me but she never saw i just deleted as appropriate and made sure it was her and him speaking our poor son didnt get to see his father that was another battle at bedtime he was upset.

He actually had the nerve to ask me if he could keep his adultress as his friend because he has no friends and he doenst like that i have a life with friends and he doesnt. So basically i must give up my life and friends and just be with him. Tonight his refused not to tell our daughter about what is going on he wants to disclose all this to her because i have gotten to the point where i know im worth more and will not be treated like he does so his now going after our daughter. I tried to talk sense into him but his refusing to see sense and just talk to the kids as kids nothing more calling me controlling because protecting the children is the highest priority for me they are pure and beautiful i will never allow them especially our daughter to be exposed to his thinking its very dangerous and shes extremely sensitive.

Why would he do this i know his mental state isnt great but how does his logic work if there is any logic there. Basically his wants to come home on his terms which are he keeps his adultress as a friend, drink alcohol that makes him very unstable and me not to have as many friends and pay most of my attention to him. He actually said his going to social service i had to laugh they would give him supervised visitation about 4 hours a week at a childrens centre with a social worker present he has no idea what his done and how grave the situation is his so wrapped up in his own needs nothing else matters. Im sitting here looking to see if there is a message on skype, that his calmed down and will talk nicely to the children and not involve them in this but its been about half an hour nothing now i have to lie to my daughter and son that there is a technical fault internet isnt working hopefully he will text with our daughter.

This isnt a great situation but im hoping he comes to his senses and just be a great dad like he was instead of this angry person who created this situation where everyone loses and there are no winners.

[ForeverDad]

First, let me say that no parent should involve the children in adult matters.  Not only should children not have to 'choose' between parents, they also should be allowed to just be kids who hopefully can love both parents.

Coming home... . Whether he "comes home" or not is a matter in which you have a say.  If he 'left' then you can take the position that you have possession of the home for residence.  But it hinges on what you'll be doing legally.  If you don't divorce or separate I don't know whether you can tell him not to come back.

What is your long term goal?  (Granted, your decisions hinge on his actions and reactions, the future depends on whether your spouse will improve his behaviors and behavior patterns, but for now you have to assume there won't be major improvements, that the past will be the predictor for the future.  His challenge would be to - over time - prove that working assumption wrong.)  Are you going to divorce?  If you don't divorce or legally separate (uncommon) then legally there will be no parenting schedule to enforce, well, not unless CPS gets involved and concludes he is substantively abusive, neglectful or dangerous.  In many cases, CPS won't get involved or stay involved unless it's seen as really bad.

Generally, orders don't allow the other person to limit contact to typed texts or have one parent play referee, interpreter or editor.  If it's that bad then maybe supervised contact is necessary.  But be aware that courts and CPS often set high bars to met before restricting contact.  Some low level distortions or badmouthing may not trigger their consternation or action.

In my case, I concluded that in my area only the worst behaviors were considered actionable, generally physical.  In the final months before separation, I twice called CPS when my then-spouse had been especially aggressive verbally, ranting and raging at me.  Both times they asked, But was she raging or yelling at your preschooler?  I had to answer, No.  I was told it wasn't actionable if he was just a spectator and audience and not the focus.  On the second call I was told that I'd probably have to divorce.  Turned out, that's what eventually happened.  But family court was almost worse, it ignored virtually all misbehaviors.  I concluded court expects parents to be on edge but also expects them to work it out, court prefers settlement over trials.  It's almost like the officials don't try to stop or block every emotional bump and bruise the children get, only the worst of it.  Yes, your Mama Bear instinct is to protect your child from every single hurt, but court doesn't see that as practical or even advisable.

I know it hurts that your spouse is trying to negatively influence your child.  Perhaps he doesn't perceive it as bad, remember a pwBPD's thinking is not normal or reasonable cognition.  It's likely he's trying to gain subtle leverage over you through her, seeking a negative advocate.  However, he has awoken the Mama Bear in you.  You may need to seek legal consultations or even discuss the matter with CPS before you conclude what your options are.  Once you know how family court or children's services will respond you will be able to better determine your options and ways to proceed.

PS - Most states are No Fault states more or less.  That means they don't care about the adult behaviors, the behaviors between adults.  So his affair, whether ended or not, may or may not make a difference in your legal options.  Get a consultation for specific legal advice in your area.  When deciding custody and parenting time, courts seem to give far more attention to parenting behaviors than adult behaviors, so while you can mention everything, give the most focus to the parenting behaviors.