In my dreams, she comes back to me.
Contrite and loving, she sweetly asks to end this long separation; she wants only to bridge this chasm between us. Without a second thought or moment’s hesitation, I embrace her and desperately kiss her cheeks and lips. I am overjoyed beyond measure because I believe that she finally, truly loves me for who I am.
And then I wake up.
Reality hammers me into the ground like boulders raining down on a cartoon coyote:
- WHAM! How could I be so pathetically gullible?
- THUD! Are you serious? She doesn’t have a genuinely contrite bone in her body.
- CRASH! She never loved you. Not really.
When the dust finally settles, I squirm and heave and push my way out from under the rocks. For the hundred-and-fifty-third time, I lay broken and flattened on the desert floor, staring at stones the size of automobiles – the same ones that have crushed me one hundred and fifty-two times before - and ask: “Why?”
Why am I going through this again? I’ve been pounded by disappointment, grief, anger, and regret so many times over her… so why does it still hurt like it’s the very first time? For Christ’s sake, it’s been years now since we broke up. I don’t even really speak with her that much anymore. I thought I was past this. Double-you tee eff….
<Alright super-genius, figure this out. Where are these boulders falling from? What’s the source of the pain?>
- Well… since I seem to be completely alone… I guess it could be coming from me?
<:)ingdingding! So these feelings are entirely your own. No one magically implanted them in you?>
- Don’t be ridiculous. She’s a lot of things, but she’s no psychic. Psycho, maybe. But still, I wouldn’t be reacting this way if she hadn’t….
<Exactly.>
- What does that mean, “exactly”?
<For a super-genius, you can be awfully dense. Your pain, anger, regret, etc. are all your reactions to her.>
- So?
<Evidently the final exam at super-genius college was a coloring book. So… the key to sidestepping the deadly falling rocks is figuring out why you’re reacting to her this way. I’ll even give you a hint: it’s got little to do with her.>
- Now who’s being inane? Of course it’s got everything to do with her!
<OK professor, then answer this question: After you two got together, when did she develop BPD?>
- She didn’t develop it after we got together. As far as I know, she had it waaay before I met her. I just didn’t see it at the time. Even if I had known about it, I probably wouldn’t have understood it.
<Exactly.>
- That’s really starting to annoy me.
<Look, by your own testimony she hasn’t changed. She’s had BPD for longer than you’ve known her and likely always will have it. But, you didn’t know it when you met her, right?>
- Didn’t I just say that?
<:)on’t get snippy – I’m connecting the dots for the super-genius, remember? Look, your feelings of pain, anger, and regret etc. are reactions to your own perceptions of what the relationship was at the time. You thought it was a loving, healthy (albeit idealized) relationship between adults. You thought you had hit the jackpot and met this incredibly beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman who was inexplicably and completely attracted to you. She was the perfect woman; someone who would fulfill your need to be loved utterly.>
- Exactly! …. Oh. Crap.
<Indeed.>
- So, I’m constantly feeling this pain because of my need to be loved… ?
<Go on, finish it….>
- …. By someone else?
<Soopah-Genius in ‘da house! Now bring it on home….>
- OK, then all I need to do to avoid being pummeled by these boulders is love myself more? Seriously?
<I can’t think of anyone else better qualified. And, as an added bonus: If you can do that, then next time you meet a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman you can sleep soundly knowing you love her because of who she is – not because you need her affirmation.>
- So… now what?
<Now? Easy. Time to wake up.>
NOTE: Inspired by Shane Hawley:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx5wXwfjYlA
