How should I have handled this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry for posting so much lately, but I appreciate the help and support. I'm trying hard to apply the tools, reach out for help, and really improve my interactions with my uBPDw.

Last night, I inadvertently caused a problem (whether real and at the time or something that she could refer back to after the fact as she was inventing things to throw at me, I'm not sure) last night and I'm curious to get feedback on how I could have done this better.

My wife has been going to the state capitol to participate in low-key "protests" against a big bill that's on the floor now. I've been listening to her recap her daily experiences and the news around this topic and actively supporting the cause (including going down there one night at 11p-1a when I had an important meeting the next morning bright and early) for 4 weeks now.

I came home last night and listened to her recap intently for 30 minutes, had to take a work call, then came back to the conversation for another hour. She was getting more and more amped up and angry about the cause as she went on. After a solid hour (1.5 hours total), I made a jovial statement about "OK, one more story, then I'm cutting you off". She said she wanted to go on, but it seemed like it was all in all a positive scenario.

Until later, she threw it back at me that I'd cut her off, and therefore she didn't feel comfortable telling me other big medical news of the day.

My question is simple: after 1.5 hours and literally daily in-depth conversation, how do I ask her to stop for a while when a) I can't take any more, and b) she's getting ramped up and angry?

[coasterhusband]

Sorry for posting so much lately, but I appreciate the help and support. I'm trying hard to apply the tools, reach out for help, and really improve my interactions with my uBPDw.

Last night, I inadvertently caused a problem (whether real and at the time or something that she could refer back to after the fact as she was inventing things to throw at me, I'm not sure) last night and I'm curious to get feedback on how I could have done this better.

My wife has been going to the state capitol to participate in low-key "protests" against a big bill that's on the floor now. I've been listening to her recap her daily experiences and the news around this topic and actively supporting the cause (including going down there one night at 11p-1a when I had an important meeting the next morning bright and early) for 4 weeks now.

I came home last night and listened to her recap intently for 30 minutes, had to take a work call, then came back to the conversation for another hour. She was getting more and more amped up and angry about the cause as she went on. After a solid hour (1.5 hours total), I made a jovial statement about "OK, one more story, then I'm cutting you off". She said she wanted to go on, but it seemed like it was all in all a positive scenario.

Until later, she threw it back at me that I'd cut her off, and therefore she didn't feel comfortable telling me other big medical news of the day.

My question is simple: after 1.5 hours and literally daily in-depth conversation, how do I ask her to stop for a while when a) I can't take any more, and b) she's getting ramped up and angry?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

Tell her you need a listening break and then take a break! You can always finish the story later. 1.5 hours is a long time! Especially if it moves to venting or she's getting ramped up into verbal vomit. I use to do this with bf all the time and would grow so exhausted, but felt like I was helping by my marathon listening sessions and being supportive.  It actully was facilitating a negative spiral that would just keep going indefinitely. It's really not healthy for either person. I had to start saying "I can't talk anymore. I'm tired." and then go rest or do something else.

[Bloomer]

Try saying something like, "I love how passionate you are about this but I really have to do X before bed tonight (or I'd love to spend some time cuddling or whatever with you). Do you think we could talk more about this later?"

I understand how frustrated you must have been after all that time. I can also understand how she felt hurt by your response (and realize that it's harder for her to see why you were short with her). Hope it resolves quickly.

 B.

[coasterhusband]

Try saying something like, "I love how passionate you are about this but I really have to do X before bed tonight (or I'd love to spend some time cuddling or whatever with you). Do you think we could talk more about this later?"

Great idea, thanks!

[Chosen]

I like Bloomer's suggestion, and I also think that for your wife, anything in her mind is always the most important, so whenever you want her to stop (for whatever reason) she'll feel like she's cut off. 

However, pwBPDs do have a habit of repeating themselves over and over again, which I suppose during that 1.5 hours she probably already did, so actually you have to believe in yourself that you did listen to her, that you did provide a channel for her to share, and that enough is enough for the time being. 

[Grey Kitty]

Good suggestions. As a refinement, I suggest that you take the word "but" out of your vocabulary. I haven't figured out a way to use it without being invalidating (at least a little, often a lot).

Your desire to end the conversation is completely reasonable. Stating it in the form of "OK, one more story, then I'm cutting you off" is more invalidating than you need to be... . and a pwBPD is very sensitive to any invalidation.

I don't hear anything invalidating in Maybeso's wording

[coasterhusband]

Re-reading @Maybeso's message, makes me think that I could have even said something like:

"OK, I need a break from this topic... . I'm getting too angry at the politician foolishness! Representive Bozo Pants' foolishness is going to make my stomach incapable of eating dinner!"

Trying to think about how to say "I need a listening break in a way that she doesn't hear as "I don't want to hear you drone on about a topic I'm not interested in because I don't care about you"