friend got involved now its worse

[blackorchid]

my boyf dysregulated 10 days ago.  packed everything up from the house and walked out.   

we have only had L/C 3 times and only about bills and my location (flew home flew back due to family) 

a friend just messaged me and asked how i am. then she asked how he is.  I said he is in another town limited info weve had a fight not talking.  she called him... .

he facebooked me why am i telling people thats it we are over forever he never wants to see me again... . and now he has deleted me as a friend on fb

how was i supposed to know she would call him and why has he reacted like this.  what do i do now?N/C doesnt work L/C doesnt work  do i just have to accept that it is over? 

he thinks i value money over him. I am the least demanding person in the world. I hate gifts. I am not money valued in the slightest the day he dysregulated he mentioned that and now he has mentioned that in his last message

anyone with any advice? :'( :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

my boyf dysregulated 10 days ago.  packed everything up from the house and walked out.   

we have only had L/C 3 times and only about bills and my location (flew home flew back due to family) 

a friend just messaged me and asked how i am. then she asked how he is.  I said he is in another town limited info weve had a fight not talking.  she called him... .

he facebooked me why am i telling people thats it we are over forever he never wants to see me again... . and now he has deleted me as a friend on fb

how was i supposed to know she would call him and why has he reacted like this.  what do i do now?N/C doesnt work L/C doesnt work  do i just have to accept that it is over? 

he thinks i value money over him. I am the least demanding person in the world. I hate gifts. I am not money valued in the slightest the day he dysregulated he mentioned that and now he has mentioned that in his last message

anyone with any advice? :'( :'(

Possibly a projection of his so as he can justify his behaviors/feelings.  For him feelings equal facts and so that is the reason... .

[Rockylove]

My (now) husband and I have had many issues regarding money and he called me a c#%t like all the other c#%ts that just wanted his money.  He has also said (when not dysregulated) that I'm the least materialistic person he's ever met.      

It took some time for me to understand that it really had nothing to do with me, but rather how he was feeling about himself at the time.  It certainly hurts, but I've come to understand that it's the illness driving the insanity and I'm absolutely NOT what he calls me in his moments of dysregulation.  Hang in there and get to know yourself~~you'll be glad you did.

[blackorchid]

Thankyou. That makes sense as his family have always relied on him financially. Ironically that's where he's gone to stay.

Anyone have any useful insight into the friend situation... .

[martillo]

Just my 2 cents - (which is about all its worth!)

You told your friend the facts as you know them.  You don't control your friend anymore than you control your bf.  He is likely mostly upset because you shared w a friend something that he, up to this point, feels like he is controlling - you essentially took his control away by beating him to the punch in telling this friend (who is apparently also a friend of his from your intro)

As far as the money issue - I get the same thing.  Maybe they are this way about their money and stuff because as with people and relationships, they project and become their stuff and we must be only after their stuff if we want to be with, stay with, love them.

Time and patience are my suggestions - both with your bf and yourself!

[blackorchid]

thank you patience is easier said than done ... .

[Grey Kitty]

My only insight into the friend situation is that your friend probably hasn't spent a month or two in these forums or anyplace else learning how to best deal with a a pwBPD. And especially dealing with a fully dysregulated pwBPD.

So your friend probably called your bf and said things that he found horribly invalidating... . thinking that your bf just needed to pull his head out of his butt like a "normal" person would.

And I'd add that your bf appears to be painting you black enough that everything from what your friends do to the weather is your fault.

Sadly, I don't see much you can do that would help until your bf calms down a bit, and when you are back home.

  GK

[blackorchid]

thanks Grey Kitty just had this waiting period knowing that if I contact him things still wont get better.  And youre totally right about friends reaction