Sacrificing ourselves?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Why do the boards have headings such as, "Undecided about Leaving," "Leaving," "Recovering after the Split,"  and "Parenting after the Split" categories when it comes to spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children of BPD people, but not for Parents?

The Parents' Board single category is "Supporting a Child with BPD."  But too many accounts here are about supporting a "child" who is in her 30s!  Unsurprisingly following these stories, we read about people who are supporting a GRANDCHILD of the child with BPD.

I don't post very often on this site because the stories are too wrenching.  The parents here who have given up their own contentment and needs, and those of other family members, have been hollowed out, sucked dry and are often writing when they're physically sick from the stress, worry and chaos.   

It's too much.  You don't have to sacrifice your health and your family's state of mind when you know you've done everything under the sun to help your child year after year.  At some point, she must help herself.

[JulySky]

Why do the boards have headings such as, "Undecided about Leaving," "Leaving," "Recovering after the Split,"  and "Parenting after the Split" categories when it comes to spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children of BPD people, but not for Parents?

The Parents' Board single category is "Supporting a Child with BPD."  But too many accounts here are about supporting a "child" who is in her 30s!  Unsurprisingly following these stories, we read about people who are supporting a GRANDCHILD of the child with BPD.

I don't post very often on this site because the stories are too wrenching.  The parents here who have given up their own contentment and needs, and those of other family members, have been hollowed out, sucked dry and are often writing when they're physically sick from the stress, worry and chaos.   

It's too much.  You don't have to sacrifice your health and your family's state of mind when you know you've done everything under the sun to help your child year after year.  At some point, she must help herself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

julysky

I am curious as to why you are here? I am here because my dd16 still needs me and I am trying to find a way to help her and help my family. At what point do you suggest I let her help herself?

The sad truth is BPD is a disorder that impacts all involved. I found this site around 8 months or so ago and you are right at times I have posted when things have been really difficult at my home... . the response I received has helped be a great deal... . the education and advise priceless... . I have come a long way since my first post and some of the people here I consider my close friends.

I am not sure what you don't understand but I think it might be because some of the people posting having children that are not children anymore but I feel that is even more heartbreaking and is also a great opportunity to learn from people who have struggled longer than I have. We all have something to share with each other but more than anything I think we are here to support and encourage everyone because we all are fighting our own battles.

[lbjnltx]

Why do the boards have headings such as, "Undecided about Leaving," "Leaving," "Recovering after the Split,"  and "Parenting after the Split" categories when it comes to spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children of BPD people, but not for Parents?

The goal of the Supporting Board is to heal the relationship by learning skills and making personal changes.  Since the parent is responsible for 50% of the relationship it is up to us to do our part.  When 50% of the relationship members change the relationship changes.

The Parents' Board single category is "Supporting a Child with BPD."  But too many accounts here are about supporting a "child" who is in her 30s!  Unsurprisingly following these stories, we read about people who are supporting a GRANDCHILD of the child with BPD.

People need support no matter their age.  I am 50 years old and I need support.  There are many ways to support someone.

I don't post very often on this site because the stories are too wrenching.  The parents here who have given up their own contentment and needs, and those of other family members, have been hollowed out, sucked dry and are often writing when they're physically sick from the stress, worry and chaos.

The parents that are here are in the process of learning to be content, get their needs  met in healthy ways, strengthened, and learn healthy coping skills in order to improve self and their relationship with their child/adult child.

Is this why you are here? 

 

It's too much.  You don't have to sacrifice your health and your family's state of mind when you know you've done everything under the sun to help your child year after year.  At some point, she must help herself.

You are right, you don't have to sacrifice yourself.  There is a more excellent way.  Are you up to learning it?  If so, we are here to help support you.

lbjnltx

[exrookie]

I think what JulySky is questioning is that the only board for parents is the "Supporting" board, which leaves you feeling as if there is no board on this forum which allows parents to discuss with other parents "Leaving" (as in the parent making the choice to have no contact with their adult child with BPD). It's like the forum supports the idea of nonBPD's in chosen relationships having the choice of staying or leaving, but that because we are parents we must always choose to support  (financially, emotionally, etc) our adult child with BPD. I suppose a parent could discuss it on the “Leaving” board that is set up for non-parental relationships, but personally I feel there is a huge difference asking your girlfriend with BPD to move out of your home versus your daughter.

[Vivgood]

I actually agree about 95%  with what you are saying, JulySky, specifically about adult kids. I think the relationships for some of these categories are so dramatically different that it can be triggering for some people to move between them. The emotions and dynamics of a romantic relationship with a BPD are a completely different animal from either a relationship with a BPDparent or BPDkid. For one thing, its a chosen relationship. You don't HAVE to have this relationship at all. Even if you cut all contact with a BPD kid or parent, its still there. It will never stop affecting you. And unchosen relationships carry with them legal responsibilities (even when the BPD is one's parent there are "filial responsibility" laws on the books), particularly for a minor child. I have been at some point in my life most of these things- a BPD kid, parent of a BPD kid, sister to a BPD, and a BPD in a romantic relationship... . and there are posts on ALL the boards which leave me wondering what the he! id wrong with these folks!

For us as parents of BPD kids, we need to move from taking near-total responsibility for our affected child to near-zero. And its hard to attenuate and finally disconnect those ties, which are woven of fierce love, guilt, sorrow, hope... . and for some parents, they are never able to see any kind of disengagement as in their child's best interest, due to social pressure, religious convictions, and their own mental/emotional issues. It drives me nuts, but I try not to judge too harshly because we actually know very little about the life struggles of people we "know" only over the internet.

Much the same can be said for the adult kids of BPDs. Its a tangled, powerful connection with many of the same forces at work keeping kids tied to abusive parents.

For the romantic stuff, meh, thats harder to understand. I want to shake those people sometimes! So I almost never post. All I'd have to say is "RUN Forest, RUN!"


vivgood

[lbjnltx]

I think what JulySky is questioning is that the only board for parents is the "Supporting" board, which leaves you feeling as if there is no board on this forum which allows parents to discuss with other parents "Leaving" (as in the parent making the choice to have no contact with their adult child with BPD). It's like the forum supports the idea of nonBPD's in chosen relationships having the choice of staying or leaving, but that because we are parents we must always choose to support  (financially, emotionally, etc) our adult child with BPD. I suppose a parent could discuss it on the “Leaving” board that is set up for non-parental relationships, but personally I feel there is a huge difference asking your girlfriend with BPD to move out of your home versus your daughter.

Hello exrookie   

There are many parents who are no contact with their children that post on this board.  They are for the most part trying to find their way back into their child/adult child's life because they are unhappy being NC. They are willing to take responsibility for their part of the relationship and work hard on self and learning skills.

For members who wish to work on healing from the relationship we have the Healing from a Relationship with a Parent, Relative or Inlaw Board

For understanding of where to post we encourage all members to read the "Who Should Post on this Board" topic on each board and post within the guidelines of that board as well as the guidelines of the site.

lbjnltx

[lbjnltx]

For us as parents of BPD kids, we need to move from taking near-total responsibility for our affected child to near-zero.

There is a difference between being supportive/supporting and taking responsibility for an adult child.

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

[Being Mindful]

Hello JulySky,

I've had to step away from your post twice today. It's a bit of a trigger for me, but I'm not sure of your intentions and so I'm back again to try to respond. You sound very irritated with some of our stories, or at least frustrated. I hope to hear back from you to see if that is it or what is your question or input to us here.

I believe that we all are on a very personal journey with our children or adult children. It is different from a chosen relationship with a person with BPD. I take my role as parent and mom for life. I don't get to choose to leave without having any emotional ties to my child. The emotional tie is and always will be present. I can choose to not have physical ties, and I can choose to not financially support etc. But, I never get to completely wipe out, or leave everything behind as in a chosen relationship. This complicates our situations.

Yes, many of us are exhausted, "hollowed out" and "sucked dry". I suspect we'd be in the same spot if our children had a physical illness that we were dealing with. With mental illness, it is different than a physical illness, perhaps there are more choices for us but none the less we are driven by the same hope for an outcome of our children's health, well-being, and for a future for them. Along this journey, it does become very difficult to discern supporting, versus responsibility, enabling and helping. It can be very muddy.

You said you don't post here very often because the stories are too wrenching. This leaves me sad and a bit angry, perhaps jealous too. If you didn't have a gut wrenching story like the rest of us, if you didn't struggle then you are very, very lucky. If you did and have found ways that you successfully got thru this without too much pain, then please share with us. Help the rest of us. But, please do it without judgment to other members, which is I guess the reason I feel triggered by your post.

For me, the really important thing about this site is the support from other parents (hence, Supporting a son or daughter suffering with BPD), there is care and there is help. Help for each of us no matter where we are in the journey... . hollowed out or on the other side with restored health. I was one who arrived here both sucked dried and hollowed out, but with the support of all the parents no matter where they were on their journey, I have learned from each of them. Where I can add value to their journey I do.  Just as important as the support on this site is the education, the numerous resources, the nudging that others have provided to help me learn, grow and most important, change.

All of this moved me from sucked dry, to healthy. The best part, is that I changed which meant my daughter is still in my life, with emotional ties and physically present. She has not changed dramatically, but I see changes in her, through me, through my taking responsibility for my part of the relationship.

Are our stories gut wrenching... . you bet they are. Our children and adult children are very ill.

[mggt]

Being Mindful,  Now I can really appreciate your name bravo bravo you put it all down in writing all of us parents feel this way but so so hard to break away .  Wishing all of us success and happiness     

[Being Mindful]

Mggt... .  

[griz]

Mggt:  you put this so wonderfully, thank you.

JulySky:  I too had to step away from your post a number of times and come back and reread it because I was very unsure of what your intention was.  The more I read it, the more I found anger and despair amongst your words and I think many of us have felt that way too and sometimes we need to be heard. 

Yes, I have been sucked dry at times, physically sick, hollowed out and ignored my own needs and there are times it also makes me so sad that I don't know if I can go on but I am here because my DD18 needs me and I love her.  This board helps me with support, learning how to better handle situations and a safe place when I need. I gain more and more insight about not only my DD but also myself from all of my friends here.  And although it is slow going I see progress.

Yes some stories are heart wrentchng and their are time I want to jump through my computer and give someone a real hug not a virtual one but they are our stories.  And each of us has our own story... . a story not to be judged, but accepted and supported.  We are on the board of "supporting  a son or daughter" because we choose to be. 

I hope if you need support you will join this board.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hoping4hope]

Sacrificing ourselves but in a different way... .

Giving up the expectations on "family" for just a little peace.

My father probably was, but who knows, effected by BPD... .

he had abandonment issues

"you never really loved me" issues

unrelenting mind game issues (this was the worst)

no present was ever good enough issues

"but for me, you'd never succeed" issues.

All of his children have stopped contact. Permanently for me and I love him still.

It was too painful to interact with him.

At some point it became about setting us both free from this pain.

He'd never get therapy, I already had started.

It would never get better and I think maybe this is the only way we'd have peace.

During that last painful conversation, I remember saying to him "I think this is the last time we'll ever see each other."  He agreed.  We were both right.

I believe in supporting your family and working things out, but I also believe there can be times when parting is best for both.  If you are truly making each other miserable it is okay to release each other and the guilt.

[momtosissy]

I think I understand where JulySky is coming from. I am a mom to a 27year old dd with bipolar and BPD dx since age 19. When she lived at home under age 18 it was hell but she was my sole focus as her symptoms overwhelmed and consumed all the family dynamics of 'normal'. We did psychiatrist visits, therapy, positive parenting, self help, workbooks - you name it. All my dd did was focus on the fact that when she turned 18 she could leave US. And, she did. On her own from age 18-23 and under the watchful eye of a social worker, my dd went from one group home and step program to another - refusing to cooperate with rules, much less admit she even has BPD, and inevitably ended up homeless. Two failed engagements, countless boyfriends in between, drug use, small crimes she was arrested for, and countless jobs - at some point you have to ask - what can I REALLY do? My dd completely dissociates and fails to even realize how her behaviors directly effect those who care about her most, those who gave up their world for her. Shes lived with all family members, including myself several times, many burned bridges with family and friends. Her chameleon personality is super convincing - she knows exactly what you want to hear and goes to great lengths to 'prove' her 'new life' to others; only to find out shes been hiding drug use and an array of other 'anything but' behaviors. The important thing to remember is we love our children unconditionally. BPD sufferers are NOT happy with themselves in spite of how they are appear. They are very disturbed and at a high risk for suicide. Nobody asks for the disorder any more than anyone would wish to suddenly have diabetes. But I think I know what you mean. Ive asked myself - am I STUCK letting this adult child ruin my life every time she ruins her own? The answer is no. Boundaries are essential for survival with a BPD loved one. Learning the BPD language - an over appraisal of success will send a BPD running backwards for example. There are healthy, constructive ways to communicate with your sick loved that will let them know they are indeed loved, but it pushes them into a will for self recovery. It does take a dedication of love, that will likely never cease or they will consume you. 

[Being Mindful]

I think I understand where JulySky is coming from. I am a mom to a 27year old dd with bipolar and BPD dx since age 19. When she lived at home under age 18 it was hell but she was my sole focus as her symptoms overwhelmed and consumed all the family dynamics of 'normal'. We did psychiatrist visits, therapy, positive parenting, self help, workbooks - you name it. All my dd did was focus on the fact that when she turned 18 she could leave US. And, she did. On her own from age 18-23 and under the watchful eye of a social worker, my dd went from one group home and step program to another - refusing to cooperate with rules, much less admit she even has BPD, and inevitably ended up homeless. Two failed engagements, countless boyfriends in between, drug use, small crimes she was arrested for, and countless jobs - at some point you have to ask - what can I REALLY do? My dd completely dissociates and fails to even realize how her behaviors directly effect those who care about her most, those who gave up their world for her. Shes lived with all family members, including myself several times, many burned bridges with family and friends. Her chameleon personality is super convincing - she knows exactly what you want to hear and goes to great lengths to 'prove' her 'new life' to others; only to find out shes been hiding drug use and an array of other 'anything but' behaviors. The important thing to remember is we love our children unconditionally. BPD sufferers are NOT happy with themselves in spite of how they are appear. They are very disturbed and at a high risk for suicide. Nobody asks for the disorder any more than anyone would wish to suddenly have diabetes. But I think I know what you mean. Ive asked myself - am I STUCK letting this adult child ruin my life every time she ruins her own? The answer is no. Boundaries are essential for survival with a BPD loved one. Learning the BPD language - an over appraisal of success will send a BPD running backwards for example. There are healthy, constructive ways to communicate with your sick loved that will let them know they are indeed loved, but it pushes them into a will for self recovery. It does take a dedication of love, that will likely never cease or they will consume you. 

Beautifully said momtosissy,

Said without judgment to other members here. Thank you for sharing.

Being Mindful

[pessim-optimist]

Hello, JulySky,

I too was wondering about the reasons for your post... .

I hear some anger, and maybe resentment? As lbj explained, there is a board for people trying to heal from a relationship with a blood-related pwBPD... .

I can only speculate: Were you feeling judged by the fact that you thought this site only seemed to have one board for parents? And therefore only "allow" to take one position towards our children and adult children? I think that everyone here has felt at times like quitting, and if they ever decide that that is the right thing to do for them, they will not be judged, and they can freely move on to the board for " Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw"... .

So, if you decide to stay on this board, you are welcome, and if you decide to call it quits, you will be welcome at the healing board... . No one but you can decide, what is right for you.

And - you are right, the stories here are wrenching, people often come here when they are at their wits' ends, not knowing what to do... . This site hopes to provide support and teach skills to move from that place of desperation onto taking back the control over our lives and feeling like we have the energy to want to help our children freely as opposed to feeling like we are being held hostage by the illness... .

Others have posted some very insightful comments, hope it helps you on your journey, JulySky.   

[vivekananda]

Hi Julsky,

You must have been having a bad day when you posted. You do sound hurt and angry. And yes, we parents of children with BPD, both adult and non adult, do have sad stories that have caused us to be angry and hurt also.

Thing is JulySky, for me at any rate, when I first came onto the boards I was hurt and angry. My dd is 32 and is in a sort of n/c at the moment. But at no stage have I ever wanted to give up. It was through the help and support of other mothers on this board that I have learnt about BPD and learnt about the tools to help me in my relationship with my dd and most importantly, my friends here have helped me arrive at a stage where I no longer feel the hurt and anger that I did before.

Of course, I am by no means perfect and I lapse and have days that are better than others, but I live a happy life with the situation I find myself in. I have learnt to be able to be happy and still hold the pain of my dd's life in my heart.

I hope that all who come here onto our parent's boards are able to benefit from this, as I have done. I have felt that others have been able to accept the hurt and anger that I have felt and have been able to turn me towards a more productive path. Is that what you want for yourself?


Vivek