daughter is so out of control

[kelmeg]

Hello All,

My BPD daughter who has shut me out of her life has now turned on her sister.  Her sister tried to defend me and BPD lashed out at her. 

BPD DD is hosting a baby shower for my niece and did not invite my other daughter and I.  When my niece found out, she asked my DD if she invited us and she said "yes, but they won't come"  I'm so glad my other daughter and niece are seeing this behavior because no one was believing me that she was like this.

She also told my 7 year old granddaughter who adores me that she was not allowed to see me.  My other daughter said she was devastated and was crying.  Why would my BPD DD do this to a child?

BPD's hubby also told my other daughter that he supports BPD's decision and that his kids are not safe around me.  I am so upset I can hardly function.  My SIL has a master's degree in psychology but continues to side with DD and enable her to continue with this behavior. 

Is there anything I can do to protect my grandkids?  I am worried about them, being home alone with her all day.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

She also told my 7 year old granddaughter who adores me that she was not allowed to see me.  My other daughter said she was devastated and was crying.  Why would my BPD DD do this to a child?

To justify her feelings/beliefs that you are a bad person... . those feelings and beliefs may change when your r/s w/her changes.  How you can do this is by changing the way you communicate with her... . her seeing you as compassionate and supportive rather than judgmental.

BPD's hubby also told my other daughter that he supports BPD's decision and that his kids are not safe around me.  I am so upset I can hardly function.  My SIL has a master's degree in psychology but continues to side with DD and enable her to continue with this behavior.

We can change self and that often leads to a change in the r/s... . see above. 

Is there anything I can do to protect my grandkids?  I am worried about them, being home alone with her all day.

Being a supportive presence in your gd's life will require you to have access to her... . see above.

[vivekananda]

Hi Kelmeg,

It is so distressing to be in a situation such as you are. You are not alone. There are things you can do and lbj above has referred to the most important thing.

The key to you having an influence on your grandkids' lives, is the strength of your relationship with your dd. And there is your own personal challenge. To have a relationship with your dd means for you to come to grips with BPD and what it means to have someone with BPD in your life.

What do you think you can do to improve your relationship with your dd? Any ideas?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[kelmeg]

Right now I can't do anything because she wants no contact with me.  I showed up at her house a few weeks ago and we chatted.  I thought things were getting better, but she told her husband that I showed up and tried to take the kids!  She was nice while I was there, but used the whole thing against me after I left.  She told her husband that I crossed a boundary she had set for me.

( No contact)  I'm at a complete loss for what to do next.

[griz]

Hi kelmeg:  I am sorry that you are hurting so but glad you are here.  Just a question:  Did you show up at your daughters house unanounced or invited?  Is it possible that she saw this in a different way other than you just stopping by to see her? Maybe she saw it as you checking on her in some way.  Sometimes I find that even the most innocent of behaviors can be seen differently by my daughter ( in her BPD sort of way). 

I think Vivek 's answer of strengthing your relationship with your DD is the challenge to being there for your grandchildren is right on target.  When I look back at my childhood (and I can now see that my own mother is definetely BPD) I lost out on having relationships with lots of family such as aunts , uncle's and cousins because they could not have a relationship with my mother.  She drove them away from her and in doing so she drove them away from us. 


Griz

[suchsadness]

She also told my 7 year old granddaughter who adores me that she was not allowed to see me.  My other daughter said she was devastated and was crying.  Why would my BPD DD do this to a child?

Hello kelmeg   

Your situation is MUCH like mine - in that my BPD dd35 has cut contact with me and her sister, and has also prohibited me and my dh from any contact with our 2 beautiful grandsons.  We recently flew over 1200 miles in hopes of seeing our gc through their father (my dd's ex), but were denied with no responses to our calls and texts.  It is such a hard and sad place to be... .   :'(

I wish there was some advice I could give to you and I think if you have any relationship left with your dd, that Vivek  is right with her advice about trying to understand BPD and to strengthen your relationship.  Unfortunately, it may be too late for me and my dd at this point.  I have never seen so much rage and hate expressed and I had to eventually block her from my cell phone because it became so extremely abusive.  Where we will go from here... . who knows.

Griz - question for you.  You said that you believe you lost out on relationships with family because your mother drove them away from her and in doing so she drove them away from you.  How did you feel about that, and do you have any relationship with these family members today?  I feel SO SO SO sad for my grandsons because they will feel like we have abandoned them and we had a very close relationship before all of this happened.  It just breaks my heart!

Suchsadness

[griz]

ss:  I didn't realize it when I was growing up and for a very long time because I didn't understand what was happening.  My mom who I now realize is BPD was always an argument looking for a place to happen.  When I was young I always thought all of these people did terrible things (ie:my father's  halfsister was a horrible and disgusting person and when my grandfather died she took everything). When you are little you believe what your parents tell you.  My father, who is not as strong as my mother, allowed her to break up every relationship and he never stood up to her.  He also just let her say whatever she wanted about people, even his own family, so I grew up believing everything.  My mother was the "saint" and everyone else was wrong. In the end it made for very lonely times.

As I got older I don't think that I was aware of how much this actually hurt but I know I felt very alone in life. When I married and had children of my own I started my own traditions which always included hosting every holiday and making big celebrations, summer bar-b-ques and more.  The problem again was my mom.  Every get together  there was an argument that my mom started with someone and someone left angry or some one left my life. 

It wasn't until recently through therapy that I realized what my life was really like.  I have reached out to family members now on Facebook and have been able to reconnect with some of them and I am making plans to see them.  I actually reached out to my father's step sister not long ago after 37 years since my mom cut them off.  She was so happy to hear from me and after all this time never knew what "she did".  As it turns out there was nothing left to anyone.  My grandfather died with nothing in the bank and a rented apartment.  What my aunt got was the job of disposing of wordly goods.  She never even knew why my mom called her and told her off and told her to never contact them again. She told me that she called my parents house twice and my mother hung up on her and the last time she reached my father answered the phone and she could hear my mom screaming in the background and he just hung up.  I actually cried and cried the whole time we spoke because I was so happy to hear her voice.  I actually mentioned that I spoke to them one day to my parents and my mother (at 87) immediatley got nasty, as if I was betraying her.  My father said nothing... . not a word.  I told her she doesn't have to talk to them but I am going to.

I would like to give you some advice but instead of advice I almost want to ask for a promise.  Keep those lines open for your grandchildren any way you can. If you can send cards or letters and stay away from any mention of your DD.  Don't make them choose.  My heart breaks for you and your grandchildren but believe me when the time is right it will be wonderful to have your loving arms waiting for them.

Griz

[suchsadness]

Thanks for your response Griz, it is very valuable and much appreciated  

I do intend to do whatever I can to let my grandsons know we will always love them.  The fear I have is that anything we send will never reach them.  My ex sil did give us our grandson's phone number and said we could call him any time but when my dd found out we talked to the boys she told my ex sil off and said she would make his life a "living hell" if he ever let us see or talk to them again... . and I am sure she would stay true to that.  But I do promise to keep doing everything I can!

[griz]

Just another idea.  If you don't think anything you send will reach them. What if you wrote letters to them and kept them. You could send some also but if they don't get them there is nothing you can do about that. I promise there will come a time that they will be within your reach and those words and thoughts would be so wonderful to read.  When my girls were younger I would periodically write them  a letter, date it and seal it.  They are put away and they have never seen them.  I haven't done that in a while but this might spur me to do another to each of them.  The reason I did it was that sometimes there were things I wanted to say to them and either the time wasn't right or they were to young to understand but they are all heartfelt and full of love and as morbid as it may sound I always thought that someday I will be gone and they will always know what was in my heart.

When my aunt told me how often she thought of me during all these years and how she wondered what I was doing, what I looked like,what my life was like it filled me with such love and it almost made all those years apart disappear. 

Griz   

[vivekananda]

Right now I can't do anything because she wants no contact with me... .    I'm at a complete loss for what to do next.

It hurts and it's frustrating, yes. My dd32 is the same in that respect... . currently she is n/c, but I have seen her twice this year - and that's better than not at all.

Tell me, did the things you did in the past, when you did have contact, work? What would you do differently now? How have you prepared yourself for the opportunity to see your dd next time?

kelmeg, can I get you to see things differently? At the moment it seems to me that you would do the same sort of things that you have in the past, those things that upset your dd. Have you come to realise that you need to change what you do?

This isn't a test kelmeg, I (we) want to help you. Do you have any questions for us?

thinking of you and Cheers,

Vivek    

[kelmeg]

I don't think I knew my daughter had BPD until recently.  I just thought she was moody and impulsive.  Now that I know I would do a lot of things differently.  I can't share things with her because I don't know what will upset her.  Anything I say she will twist and use against me, so our relationship becomes superficial. She will not forgive me for things that happened 25 years ago. Not much I can do about that,  I have apologized until I am blue in the face, but it doesn't help.  I am not going to spend the rest of my life apologizing to her. I don't know how I can change, I'm already walking on eggshells around her.  It's a relief when I don't have to deal with her, but I want to see my grandkids.  She is using me as a scapegoat, masking the real issue that she is mentally ill. Instead of admitting it, she says all of her problems come from me. Everything that has ever gone wrong in her life is my fault.  At some point I have to have some self-respect and stop being her punching bag.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi kelmeg,

Welcome to this board, I have just read your post... .    

I am so sorry you are going through such a heart-breaking time... . I feel for you and your grandchild.

Our situation is/was very similar. We are just in a different stage of the cycle. For the last year and a half we were cut off from our grandkids (12, 10 and 8) and were repeatedly told, that they have been told "the truth" about us i.e. what terrible people we were and what terrible things we have done etc. etc. (we don't even know what the children heard, but we can imagine, because we have seen their mother doing the same thing with different relatives at different times)... .

It is heartbreaking. But I want to encourage you: this period of no communication WILL come to an end. Griz has some wonderful ideas. Also, you can use this time of separation to take care of yourself, nourish your soul, heal, and also to learn as much as you can about BPD and learn skills to use with your dd in the future, so you can be more effective with her and stay in touch with your granddaughter... .

Keep posting, we are here to hear you and to help you carry your burden.   

Pessim-optimist

[vivekananda]

I don't think I knew my daughter had BPD until recently.  I just thought she was moody and impulsive.  Now that I know I would do a lot of things differently. 

Hi 'kel', you say you would do a lot of things differently.

I don't know how I can change, I'm already walking on eggshells around her. 

but you say you don't know how you can change.

If you want to do things differently, you would need to change, wouldn't you?

Do you know what would help you? Have you looked at the resources on the site here to see if there is anything that can help you sort out this situation for yourself?

Is there any way I can help you?

Vivek      

[lbjnltx]

Kelmeg,

You may want to start with learning about Validation

Validation -tips and traps

Once communication/relationship is improved Communication:  S.E.T. technique can come into the relationship.  The (T) represents truth and often in the truth lies our boundaries.

BOUNDARIES-Living our values

We are here to learn with you and give you support.

lbjnltx