How to handle NC and her family

[emotionaholic]

The only family member my BPDgf has anything to do with is one of her brothers.  I have only met them a couple of times in the three years we have been off and on.  I really like her brother and his family and had committed a couple of weeks ago to help him fix his front porch, before someone ends up in the hospital.  Gf has not talked to me in about a week due to me spending time with one of my best friends that she utterly hates.  She tells me every time that we get back on speaking terms that she has never told anyone, ie her brother, that we had broken up.  I believe she is embarrassed or not wanting anyone to know that her life is not perfect.  So I am still committed to helping her brother for 3 reasons. 1 I love her and as long as I do I will treat her family as mine, 2 if I commit to something I commit to it, and 3 I really do like her brother and want to get to know them better.

How should I handle the inevitable question of "I thought my sister was going to be here?" or something along those lines.  I hate pretending that everything is just fine.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[simplyasiam]

i would stick with the truth you dont want to start hiding thing that are bad just to save her

ive done that even lyed to her/my family to cover up for her, no good caomes from it.

if your going to stay in this your going to need all the help you can get.

[emotionaholic]

Well I took your advice and it went well.  Her T had told me that if asked about her I should just say I don't know I've been busy and hadn't talked to her in a couple of days.

I went to her brothers house to help him with his front porch and had decided to not mention her at all.  On a trip to the lumber yard her brother asked right away "How are things with my sister?"  I stated not well and he responded "A little on and off."  I do like to talk and can sometimes say too much but held my self back and told him that I loved his sister very much and really want to stay in a relationship with her but she is very difficult and challenging to be in love with.  He laughed and said that all through childhood she was the hardest one in the family to deal with, their family is completely broken nobody talks to anyone even though they all live in the same city.  We had a nice talk, told him what happened to lead to her not talking to me without too much detail.  He told me she has gotten better over the last ten years and especially over the last three.  Interestingly that is when I came into the picture.  Talked about their family dynamics, my therapy, made sure to tell him how much he means to his sister and how she wants a good relationship with them.  Basically I got to have a conversation I had been wanting with him since I got involved with his sister three years ago and it went great.  I felt supported and understood.

Once the porch was fixed him and his wife, she graduates next month with a pycology degree, thanked me tremendously.  I told them no problem but to thank his sister for volunteering me.