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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: You're doing well, how would they feel?  (Read 1318 times)
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« on: July 11, 2013, 09:42:40 PM »

I know this has been asked before but I figure might as well.

Many of us if not all, could agree that the mind of a BPD is that of a 5 year old when it comes to emotional maturity.

Since they have some part of their thinking similar to that of a child, how would they feel when we get better or happy or maybe advancing in life?

I know the saying "who cares what they think" deep down I even wonder about non BPD exes and how they would react to seeing me doing well and vice versa, Just curiosity. Would they panic? Would they feel jealousy? Anger? Indifferent?

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Clearmind
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« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2013, 10:43:53 PM »

Emotional immaturity is not unique to pwBPD however yes emotional development is arrested.

Interesting question Deleted - we were needed for a period of time and we fulfilled that need. We are a trigger when we are with them. They feel better once they leave. Then the cycle is repeated until treatment is sought.

Its often said that we (people) seek partners with a similar level of emotional maturity! Having emotional maturity is the ability to control emotions without them overtaking our rational minds - ability to stay centered and balanced (if you read up on Wise Mind there is some good info there). As you get older it does not mean your level of emotional maturity grows! Emotionally mature folks are thought to be open to love and are emotionally available and don't waste their time living in denial - I would say a few of us here lived in a state of denial for a good amount of time.

Most importantly being emotionally mature means to concentrate on the bigger picture - instead of losing ourselves in trivia.

Food for thought! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2013, 10:55:03 PM »

I think that a BPD ex seeing a non-ex with happy in another relationship is very upsetting for them, but they have a double standard in that we shouldn't have the same reactions if the shoe is on the other foot.  In my experience, my ex was only able to process how things made him feel.  Every time we broke up (and often when we were still together) he would immediately and impulsively run to another girl.   When I would confront him and ask him if he thought about what that looked like to me or how it would make me feel, he said it never occurred to him.   At one point after I laid out a year's worth of perceived infidelity from my perspective and asked how he thought his actions looked to me, he even told me "that's too much to process, I can't think about that."

Yet at the same time, any time I would mention how another guy had a crush on me or I had gone out on one date, he would make passive aggressive comments that indicated that it bothered him.  

I think they process entirely selfishly and entirely from the perspective "how does this make me feel right now."  In that way, he wasn't trying to use other girls to hurt me--oddly, that would be "normal" behavior by a non-BPD ex.  But he had no idea how his actions, either helpful or hurtful, affect me. When the reverse situation is presented, however, he was not getting what he wanted and that made him mad.  Like a 5-year-old, just like you said.
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« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2013, 01:46:59 AM »

I think jealousy and anger and here's why. When my expwBPD wanted space away from me I coundnt believe it but figured it was the end of the end of the r/s so I had fun doing my own thing. I hanged out with friends and family that were neglected because she didn't like them. I went to concerts, camping, fishing, all kinds of things that I felt like I was held back from doing. And of course I posted it all on Facebook. She retaliated on Facebook by writing things, talking to ex bfs, and got so mad she deleted me from being in a relationship with her. So I thought that was the end of it.

Well the last meet up she initiated, she got upset about how on Facebook I looked so happy without her doing fun things that she had always wanted to do with me. I said we could have done those things but you left. And then I said well you broke up with me over Facebook, my friends and family saw that and i had to hear it from them so... .

Her comment to that was "I did that so you would call me, any normal person would have!"

My opinion is they don't want to see you happy, it makes them jealous, angry, and vindictive to the point at trying to make you jealous back. Immaturiy! I felt like I was in high school again with Facebook drama. Facebook deleted! I'm almost 30 don't need it.
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« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2013, 02:57:37 AM »

In my experience, it was painful for my girl to hear that I was doing well when we weren't together.

My BPD gf was always jealous of my accomplishments. We are both in the same field, and I did very well for myself, but her anxiety prevented her from doing well, and that was the cause for her jealousy. When she would break up with me, she would tell me that she doesn't want to know anything about my life.

One time, when we were broken up, she had to contact me to get some stuff, and she told me over and over that she doesn't want to know absolutely anything about my life or career. So I assume that it was not painful, or at least unpleasant, for her to hear that I was doing well career wise.

(Its funny though, on the outside it seems that I'm doing well, but on the inside I'm a complete wreck... . )
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danley
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« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2013, 04:02:31 AM »

While together my ex was happy when I had good things going for me. After we broke up it was a different story. Actually a few weeks prior to breaking up he began to act angry, distant,  and bitter when something was going good for me. I think he was this way because he was unhappy with himself and his conditions. If I mentioned something positive going on in my life he would pretend like he didn't hear me or sometimes he'd bring up something negative and start an argument. It was like he wanted to change the subject. It was hurtful because we had always shared and supported one another's experiences. After he broke up with me, I had a great review at work and he acted like it wasn't a big deal.After our breakup I went on several trips to exciting places. He asked how it was and when I'd start to share he'd get upset or would doze off mid conversation.

Idk about anyone else's experience but with my ex post breakup, he gave off energy that said he wasn't happy I was happy. He was too angry and bitter to care.
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« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2013, 06:37:21 AM »

I really don't see my ex caring one way or another. She didn't care about my happiness while married, so why would it matter to her when I am out of the picture?

All her concerns about me (health, job, etc.) all had a string attached back to her.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2013, 07:44:54 AM »

Very interesting. I saw my non BPD ex the other day driving and I wondered about her we broke up because of differences but there are no bad feelings. We kept in touch years after she even hung out at my place a few times after. When it comes to my. BPDex I just picture an emotionally stunted child getting upset when all the other kids are playing with a toy they discarded.
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heartcoaster

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« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2013, 10:04:18 AM »

Great thread.  My ex recently discovered I'm doing well and for reasons I won't bore you all with, I know it's really ticked her off.  Strange since she's engaged to a different dude, but apparently my happiness (or unhappiness) is still important to her.
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« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2013, 10:08:40 AM »

Hmmm, well, after my ex just discarded me and treat me like I was

a bit of dog poo that needed to be wiped off quickly... .

I am really dont want to know what he is upto anymore.  The less

I know, the better.

Lets just say, he is wise to have moved away
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« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2013, 10:26:11 AM »

It's interesting that I can actually see his black/white thinking.  My ex can't run to another girl, but instead is COMPLETELY dependent on his best friend.  He even follows him around at parties- they live together, work together, completely codependent.  But his best bro just got engaged, as did 2 of his other good friends.  Keep in mind, he only has like 6 close friends.  And the fact that I've moved on from him, still enjoying life, dating others, while he's "miserable" by his own doing, makes him resent me even more.  The few times we've chatted, he always takes things out on me; blaming me for things in our relationship that happened years prior. 
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« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2013, 10:32:49 AM »

Hmmm, well, after my ex just discarded me and treat me like I was

a bit of dog poo that needed to be wiped off quickly... .

I really dont want to know what he is upto anymore.  The less

I know, the better.

Lets just say, he is wise to have moved away

I am with you dancinginthedark! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2013, 11:20:25 AM »

Dancinginthedark & crystal clear- perhaps it was shame that led them into doing that. Perhaps they were scared the additional self shame would come back out again.

Heart coaster, I think that when they hear we are doing well, perhaps to them, it's kind of a "the little weakling I knew whom I've manipulated so well is actually doing alot better? He/she won't fall for my stuf anymore? I've lost them. I dunno just guessing
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« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2013, 03:03:23 PM »

thank you for starting this thread... . interesting to think about.

This is where I find myself still tip-toeing around my soon-to-be ex.  When asked why I was moving to a new home, I felt like I needed to give the excuses that I needed something more mangageable, closer to our kids' school, wanted our daughter to be settled before school, etc. 

I said anything except the one truth, which was that I need a new start, a new place to center myself.  He knew this and said exactly what I thought he would: "you aren't moving for the kids, you're moving for yourself because you're selfish and and now only think of yourself".  He then went on to say that it was probably so I could meet someone new.   All so funny coming from a person that wasted huge amounts of money on himself. 

So why am I still avoiding this?  Why can't I just say "I'm moving because I need to and want to"? I'm thrilled at the prospect of moving forward and proud for working through a number of things, but  still conditioned to fear his emotional reaction.
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« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2013, 06:07:10 PM »

Kim,

Best of luck. I figure in live if you're not harming anyone then you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. However it's very intimidating and a "walking on eggshell type feeling" I wish you the best. Best to avoid any issues with the dark side Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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