Today was a hard day.

[Octoberfest]

I had therapy today and a few hours before I went I stumbled upon something... . I had gone through and deleted all the emails/texts/whatever long ago, but I kept a few things, mostly poems I had sent her which I felt had relevant meaning at the time.  There was, however, ONE email from her that I saved.  I think it must have been sent about a month before we ended for good.  It is written as we were broken up at the time, but we definitely got involved again after it was written.

I took the letter in and shared it with my therapist today... . and it was a hard hour.  I broke down and cried today for the first time in quite awhile, probably a month or month and a half... . both in therapy and when I got home later tonight.

The past month or so I have been painting my ex black myself in a way... . Only remembering the hurtful things, the injustices, the insults.  Finding and reading this email forced to confront the part of my ex that I DID love, the non hurtful, crazy part... .   And it was hard to be reminded of it.  It is as follows (the parts in italics are quotes from a piece on integrity that I sent her at one point).


“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”

Octoberfest,

When I read this quote, I instantly thought of you. I relied on you far too much for the duration of our relationship. If you were having a bad day, it was the end of the world and I was miserable. I depended on you to make me feel worth something because I just don’t see the things in myself you do. That wasn’t right, and I can imagine it was kind of a lot of pressure on you. For that, I am sorry. However I’m not sorry that we were as close as we were, or I never would have come to the realizations that I now have.

I was thinking about the e-mail you sent me about integrity…. And one part in particular really continues to ring in my head.

If you feel like your integrity is ever in question be ready to ask yourself three questions: Did I act in an honorable way? Can I justify my actions and keep my integrity intact? Is it possible to fight for my honor without significantly degrading my integrity and the ability to achieve my dreams?

I keep asking myself these three questions over and over and over. Not just about us, but several situations I have found myself in within the last year. I’m going to be honest, it really hit home. I have been on a horrible path, this much you know. I don’t know where I would be without the help you have given me in hopes of me figuring out how to walk the honorable path you do.  Your mom was right about you in her e-mail. You are going to end up great places and I am so very lucky you have tried to share these values with me. It’s up to me now to put your lessons to use.  The quote at the beginning of this letter says to accept yourself completely, the good and the bad… but you taught me I don’t have to do that and I can make the changes. I think for so long you were trying to make them for me, so naturally I rebelled against them. I have never felt so good about myself and the changes I can make as I do now. I only have you to thank for this feeling. It is very freeing.  For the first time ever, I know who I want to be and who my family or <her best friend> or even you want to see doesn’t matter to me. I say doesn’t matter very loosely. Of course I take into account what all of you think…but at the end of the day I get to decide and that’s a very empowering feeling.

There will be many times in your life when you feel like you’re taking a perpetual beating, when everything you do seems like nothing is going your way and it seems like the easiest way to gain reprieve from getting hammered is to quit what you’re doing. This is going to crush your Self- Confidence and pummel your integrity. Life is definitely hard but this doesn’t give you the excuse to give up. In fact, the beating you take is only making you stronger if you accept and embrace this reality.

                Powerful chunk of words right there. I have been through more than any 22 year old girl ever should have to endure. Abandoned by my father, diagnosed with a personality disorder of sorts, lied to, cheated on, abused, raped, and moved across the country to escape it all only to fail…. It’s been hard. But you know this about me. I have always been one to run from the situations that get to be the hardest. It was my way of surviving. But according to this and all that you have ever taught me, running isn’t going to do me any good. Another reason I am finally ready to make these changes; I am sick of running. I have found all sorts of excuses in these life events to justify being this person, and all I have ever heard from family has fully set me up to fail. You and your family are wonderful people and all very encouraging. No matter what happens between us, I want you to know that you have made a permanent impact on my life. A massive one.  All five of you have showed me how good people can be. I will always appreciate your family for accepting me after all that we went through. They were always so kind and welcoming. Please do share with them how much that meant to me.

I don’t know how much of this is making sense….it’s just kinda word vomit. Everything I was never able to tell you. The number one thing I want you to know is that I appreciate you and have a lot of respect for the man that you are. I know it hasn’t always seemed so, and maybe it hasn’t always been that way, but its true. You are a very respectable person and I know that will never change in you. I think back to when we first started dating and the kid that you were all the way to the complete change that you made. It was amazing to see and its very encouraging to me because I feel like I could make dramatic changes too. I guess the point of all this was to thank you, in case I never have to chance. I don’t know what this summer and next year holds for us, and I didn’t want us to part without you know these things and thanking you.

With love and respect,

                                         BPDex



I have not had contact with my BPDex in nearly a month now, which I am proud of.  I haven't looked at her facebook in almost two months which I am EXTREMELY proud of.  Tonight I had a friend over (a girl who dated my former best friend, the one who hited me over and kissed my ex at one point) and chatted with her a bit.  She told me she still saw my BPDex on facebook and such, and that she was still working at the bar (the one she said she was going to quit because it was a bad environment, etc) and seemed to have made all sorts of new friends there... . That she didn't know if she was still with the new guy or not, she hadn't seen any of that.

I don't want my BPDex back. I don't miss that broken relationship. I know that she grieved at least a little when we split... . and I know that whatever rosy face she puts on facebook doesn't reflect her problems with her family or friends that I know she has... . And I don't want her in my life in any capacity.  I just want to quit thinking about her. 

I don't know what the point of writing this up was or sharing it... . but today was a very hard day.  The email was hard to swallow.  I talked with my therapist about it and I told her that I believe she meant 100% of what she wrote in that email when she wrote it... . But due to the BPD, the mindset didn't last. The whole object constancy thing... . It is hard because in that email, SHE GOT IT.  Everything that I had been pushing so hard to get her to understand, she understood it and was committed to it.  But in the end, the disorder won... . It is a hard pill to swallow that at one moment she could be so lucid and aware of the disorder, and the next completely lost and consumed by it, unaware.

[cska]

Octoberfest, hang in there man. I had an extremely hard day as well. Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch too.

Yea, re-reading those letter written in moments of clarity can open up old wounds like a razor blade.

I have letters from my ex that she wrote during the idealization phase. They are beautiful, magnificent letters. I have never read anything more beautiful. They are in a folder on my shelf, and I avoid that folder as if it were made of fire. I know that if I do so much as to glimpse at them, I will break.

Good for you for not checking her Facebook. I stopped checking my ex's page as well, and that was the best decision I've ever made.

[delusionalxox]

Oh Octoberfest  this is awful to read because you can hear in her words how she is struggling against the mess she is in.

If it helps at all I had similar from my ex 2-4 weeks (timing relevant do you think?) before I was split black and left pregnant on my own. He has not been in touch since except to tell me how deeply I have damaged him and that I must stop tormenting him.

This email hurt me more than anything. I thought he was getting it finally. He had never written such mature words to me (and they are not as mature or self reflective as your ex's- bear in mind also this is a 36 year old man with a heavy dose of narcissism in the BPD). I can't find the actual email now (probably a blessing) but it said many lovely things, that he was sorry for being so over reactive, self focused, for saying nasty things to me (he'd looked tearfully into my face and told me I was 'getting old' ? I am 40, nice thing to say to a woman my age  ), that he appreciated everything I had done for him and that he truly respected me, that to have me in his life somehow was his priority.

2 or so weeks later, really down and alone with various parts of my life falling to bits around me I reached out to my forever friend who valued me so much and got totally brushed off- the beginning of a completely unexplained process of devaluation and cut-off. He's found other sources of supply and I am too much trouble now. As you know, he didn't recognise my pregnancy or mention the abortion at all. I did it on my own without a word from him except ' leave me alone you have damaged me terribly... . '

I don't really miss him except for the sex (that is my own shallowness I have to deal with) but it's the injustice, illusions and lies that get me in the heart plus my own stupidity in continuing the stupid thing for 3 years. I kept going back to him because he wanted me. And now, he doesn't. That's the stupid, awful truth.

At the same time, I realised his negative abusive view of me was wrong. I am not a bad person, although like anyone else I have a bad side. I am nice, open, fun and have a sense of humour (which he never got  ), attract people (ie am not actually old and used up mess like he told me). I am realistic, pragmatic, make decent plans (not a stick in the mud 'materialist' as he accused me of being when I refused to fund his artist lifestyle  ). I stick with things (too much in his case). I'm sensitive and want to help others (again this went very wrong with him). I forgive over and over again, will forgive anyone- but didn't protect myself from him.

He had made me feel so utterly hit about myself, but my self esteem is slowly recovering.

I'm not feeling the grief today, just anger and this anxiety I've felt since he dropped me in the cr*p for good and behaved so appallingly over the pregnancy. This sense that I cannot trust in life, that terrible things will happen, that I have no control over anything. But really life doesn't have to be like it was with him. I can leave his chaos to him, and just fix my own.

Your BPD ex sounds a mix of waif and self aware person. That is the killer isn't it- the hook that gets into you is the side of them that once, for 15 minutes or 15 hours, 'saw the light'. Or said they did.  We'll never know what was the 'true' self and what the flaky actor/actress or desperate mirror needing to find validation and forgiveness.

[Validation78]

Hey October!

Sorry this was so hard for you!

I think most of us would agree that our pwBPD are not all bad, or evil. They are people who struggle from day to day to wear a mask that makes them look like the rest of us even though they aren't. They are deeply troubled folks, who want the same things we all want, love, happiness, and peace. The sad part is, they haven't a clue how to get it. The illness they suffer with is so complex, that even they don't accept it, except for an occasional, for some of them, moment of self reflection and truth. It's very sad, and most of the time, I feel tremendous compassion for them!

I feel compassion for all of us too though, who have been deeply effected by the pain caused in our relationships. We're all good people who followed our hearts, and trusted someone to love us as we loved them. It's all so sad, however, I truly hope that the experiences we've had will make us better people, healthier, and able to have the relationships we long for, with someone else, who is also healthy and wise!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Octoberfest]

I woke up this morning and thought about it a little... .   and I have decided I need to keep telling myself

-she is just trying to be happy

-you dont wan't to date her or be back with her, it is for the better that she is moving on

-you DID love her, she DID love you, but that time is gone

-she is just doing what she knows to try and be happy

Reading everyone elses stories here I have to admit I have it pretty good, at least at this point in time.  My BPDex doesn't seem to be trying or wanting to make contact.  The only person standing in my way of moving forward and forgetting about her is ME.

I think I just need to get motivated and excited about something in life... .   Feeling purposeless and looking back on my BPDex having been my purpose stings.

[Trick1004]

October,

Thanks for sharing that. It really is amazing in their moments of clarity how well they are able to express themselves, admit their mistakes, and realize what they have done.

It really is too bad that these moments are rare and don't last.

I am curious if somewhere down the line she has a similar moment of clarity and I will receive a recognition from her about everything I did for her.

I'm not holding my breath though, all signs point to her stepping back into the sad life she lived in when I first met her.

[heartandwhole]

Octoberfest, I really feel for you.  I also experienced amazing clarity, to the point where my pwBPD was appalled at his behavior hours after dysregulating, and could articulate so well how he got "lost" temporarily.  I know that he didn't want to hurt me, but the disorder took over more and more as we got closer. 

It's really sad and it took me quite a while to grieve the loss of hope that those moments of clarity could be permanent or at least longer lasting... .

Hang in there.  Things really do get better. 

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest, I really feel for you.  I also experienced amazing clarity, to the point where my pwBPD was appalled at his behavior hours after dysregulating, and could articulate so well how he got "lost" temporarily.  I know that he didn't want to hurt me, but the disorder took over more and more as we got closer. 

It's really sad and it took me quite a while to grieve the loss of hope that those moments of clarity could be permanent or at least longer lasting... .

Hang in there.  Things really do get better. 

You are right, things do get better... . I have seen it some already.

It is just bizarre to me... . I am still having a hard time transitioning back from thinking about "us" to "me".

It is hard for me because I feel like I am a lot more self-aware than other people my age (20) and even her at 22.  Hearing that she is still working at the bar and hanging with that crowd (who she called me crying about at one point because they all pressured her into drinking and "treated her like a piece of meat" and getting drunk all the time just upsets me because I can see how clearly that path is only going to lead to more hurt.

[HazelJade]

  But in the end, the disorder won... . It is a hard pill to swallow that at one moment she could be so lucid and aware of the disorder, and the next completely lost and consumed by it, unaware.

I'm not sure yet how one single human heart can contain such a pain. I know what you are talking about. It's SO sad that words can't describe it. One minute you know you're touching something few people will ever know in their lives, the next minute it's gone, and the person you love is transformed, even in their features, in someone who you would NEVER be even slightly attracted to in the first place... . And it happens again, and again. And every time, it is like dying, or seeing someone you love dearly dying. This is mental illness for you, this is why we feel so distant sometimes from friends, cause they won't ever know what it is like enduring a pain like this... .

Something that helped me.

The love that you shared, it was real, and it's not dead. The more we give space to their ill self, and become ill ourselves, the more we kill that love, which is love for them, for ourselves, the love for the next person who could become our partner... . You are enduring this pain in the name of Love, Octoberfest. For that beautiful letter she's been able to write, for the child inside you who still needs to hope that joy exists and that you will love again... . Keeping far from the game, you are still acting out of love.

I hope this is not misleading, I have tried to express it as best as I could. It's not easy.

with blessings

[Octoberfest]

  But in the end, the disorder won... . It is a hard pill to swallow that at one moment she could be so lucid and aware of the disorder, and the next completely lost and consumed by it, unaware.

I'm not sure yet how one single human heart can contain such a pain. I know what you are talking about. It's SO sad that words can't describe it. One minute you know you're touching something few people will ever know in their lives, the next minute it's gone, and the person you love is transformed, even in their features, in someone who you would NEVER be even slightly attracted to in the first place... . And it happens again, and again. And every time, it is like dying, or seeing someone you love dearly dying. This is mental illness for you, this is why we feel so distant sometimes from friends, cause they won't ever know what it is like enduring a pain like this... .

Something that helped me.

The love that you shared, it was real, and it's not dead. The more we give space to their ill self, and become ill ourselves, the more we kill that love, which is love for them, for ourselves, the love for the next person who could become our partner... . You are enduring this pain in the name of Love, Octoberfest. For that beautiful letter she's been able to write, for the child inside you who still needs to hope that joy exists and that you will love again... . Keeping far from the game, you are still acting out of love.

I hope this is not misleading, I have tried to express it as best as I could. It's not easy.

with blessings

I understand where you are coming from... . and it is comforting to know that my pain is well guided... . That I am not "weird" for loving someone like I do or having cared like I did.  That it is ok to have been attached to someone like I was... . but just that it may not have been the correct person.