Experiences with not letting go of ex partners in the relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I would like to hear more about experiences with problems with an ex partner at the start of the relationship.

It is clear to me that they have such an overwhelming fear of letting go of someone in their lives, but in my case we were having a lot of trouble with a very egocentric, nonchalant husband.

A husband who had abused her also sexually, wasn't interested in his own kids from both his marriages, and who used her as his house slave for doing all of the work at home.  Even between his two marriages, his parents, he was already halfway his thirties, had to come to his home to do all of the cleaning, his washing, ironing, etc.  And was also extremely manipulative, I've experienced that behaviour lots of times.  Even trying to provoke a fight with me etc.  His behavior btw did get him into a few fights with other people and he was beaten up al least once a year with his big mouth.

He even said to me that he would never let go of her, regardless of the fact that she still loved him or not.  He has a serious problem himself !

Just because of his nature, and of course, because of hers, afterwards I know this was an important part as well, I did fight for our relationship as long as I was convinced she loved me.  A serious mistake from my side, but I was able to convince her at the time twice to go and see a therapist to make her understand with whom her real feelings were.  (Although we can discuss the fact of real feelings in this matter)  And twice it all pointed towards me.

It would take me a year to break free from her, and six extra months without any relationship and four long talks.  I know it that she can try to get into my life again, but it will be very difficult for her to do so, as she can only contact me now by standing at my door, as she lives a few cities away.  

And with what I know on borderline by now, she doesn't stand a chance.  She had possibilities to seek help and refused them all.  So I don't want to continue anything with anyone who doesn't want help and lives in complete denial.

So I would love to hear how many others have been in the same situation as I was at the early stages of the relationship

Reg

[Reg]

Hi,

I would like to hear more about experiences with problems with an ex partner at the start of the relationship.

It is clear to me that they have such an overwhelming fear of letting go of someone in their lives, but in my case we were having a lot of trouble with a very egocentric, nonchalant husband.

A husband who had abused her also sexually, wasn't interested in his own kids from both his marriages, and who used her as his house slave for doing all of the work at home.  Even between his two marriages, his parents, he was already halfway his thirties, had to come to his home to do all of the cleaning, his washing, ironing, etc.  And was also extremely manipulative, I've experienced that behaviour lots of times.  Even trying to provoke a fight with me etc.  His behavior btw did get him into a few fights with other people and he was beaten up al least once a year with his big mouth.

He even said to me that he would never let go of her, regardless of the fact that she still loved him or not.  He has a serious problem himself !

Just because of his nature, and of course, because of hers, afterwards I know this was an important part as well, I did fight for our relationship as long as I was convinced she loved me.  A serious mistake from my side, but I was able to convince her at the time twice to go and see a therapist to make her understand with whom her real feelings were.  (Although we can discuss the fact of real feelings in this matter)  And twice it all pointed towards me.

It would take me a year to break free from her, and six extra months without any relationship and four long talks.  I know it that she can try to get into my life again, but it will be very difficult for her to do so, as she can only contact me now by standing at my door, as she lives a few cities away.  

And with what I know on borderline by now, she doesn't stand a chance.  She had possibilities to seek help and refused them all.  So I don't want to continue anything with anyone who doesn't want help and lives in complete denial.

So I would love to hear how many others have been in the same situation as I was at the early stages of the relationship

Reg

[connect]

Hi Reg,

I am on the Staying board but saw this.

I believe that what you have seen is verY common.

I have (still do to some degree) similar problems. My BPD bf hung on to his ex (who became his best friend even though she still loves him and tried to break us up numerous times) He couldnt see how damaging it was to see her on kiddie play dates 2 / 3 times a week.  He didnt see how his behaviour was encouraging her and p****ing me off. He thought that it was fine as he didnt feel that way about her anymore and that that was all that counted in this situation. It blew up in his face many times when she would get very upset as she thought he was giving her encouraging signals by the amount of time he spent with her.

Lots of people on these boards have been there. Horrible for you   hope you are doing ok 

[Reg]

Hi connect,

Thank you for sharing this with me.  Actually I'm doing very fine in a very short period, thanks, most of all by knowing what my ex has, by putting it down in writing what our relation was like and by making the connection of all her behavior  to the borderline, and also analyzing my own situation.  It was a very good therapy for me.

I think it is very courageous that you're on the staying board, take care of yourself, and I hope your partner is realizing that help is needed !

[Cooper10]

This wasn't just a problem at the beginning of our relationship, this was one of the main problems in our entire relationship.   My ex keeps between monthly to daily contact with every girl he's ever dated and most he's slept with that aren't married.   It doesn't matter how long ago they broke up or where they live now.   Without going into too many specifics, suffice it to say his "friendships" with these girls crossed the line all the time in mind-blowing ways.   To my knowledge, I'm the only one who has ever gone no contact with him.  It's a double-edged sword though, because it has the combined effects of making me "out of sight out of mind" and creating a "you always want what you can't have" attraction when he's in between new flings or old recycles.

[Reg]

Cooper10,

Thanks for reacting, it actually made me laugh and think of something else.  When my ex and I broke up, she went into a relationship, rather short with a known visible borderline of her own gender, with alcohol problems, extreme fears, etc

She even had photo's hanging on her walls through out the house, even in the badroom, of her exes, had kept every possible souvenir, and had albums with photo's and all kind of other stuff from her exes.

I guess that feels very welcoming for a new partner LOL.

We had no problems with other exes in her life except with the female with whom she cheated me with after which the relation became no longer a real relation at all.

But now, seeing she had had 8 relationships, of which 6 ended in the last 6 years (that are known to me), there's only one person that has remained in her life, the one she was married to and living together with again.  All the others have stepped out of her life or she hated them so much that she didn't want any contact with them anymore, two for serious abuse, and the others because of, LOL BPD in three cases ( after she was told she may have BPD ) and one who did drop her from one day on another one because she couldn't make any decisions in her life and made all further contact completely impossible - even moved to a new adress.  And me of course who broke all contact lines as well.

Funny thing is she has the guts to tell me in my face, that she still has contact with all of her exes, even not that very long ago.  When I confronted her with the reality, she was NOT amused, and even started to mention names from her first loves when she was 14 or so.  I'm sorry but it made me laugh, and made her more angry of course when I said : Seriously ?

All because of why ?  Because I said that I left my exes where they belogned, in the past, that I did not have any contact with them anymore, if we met, we would say hello and do perhaps a little chat, but that was it.

The last line of your reaction is so known to me.  I think she may experience just the same kind of nightmares about me as she had on the ex who had broken all contact with her that I mentioned.

Reg

[Sparky2Blame?]

Stories sound familiar in some sense... .

Mine had an ex that she just wasn't quite over and couldn't let go of.  She parted ways with him.  Yet she was hacking into his email account.  Still having fights with him.  Contacting his family to voice her issues with them/him.  And she even had a nervous breakdown (placed on suicide watch) when she found out that he was dating one of her old friends.

And then there was a physically abusive ex that wasn't over her. Constantly checking in on her.  Texting her for booty calls at odd hours (which she would show me).  But she was simply unwilling to tell him to stay out of her life. Or tell him that the late night texts were inappropriate (since we were well into an exclusive relationship and he knew).  I even asked her for his number so I could call him and tell him to back off.  Which she wouldnt give me as she felt it was inappropriate.

In both cases, it worked out (probably as planned)... . they were there for her to run to during our intermissions.

Obviously flags. But in the early stages, you're not sure what is right/wrong.  And who were we to tell them what they could/could't do.  Plus you figure as the r/s evolves, these things will sort themselves out.  But later on, you start to realize that they don't.

[Reg]

Sparky,

Thanks for reacting, it sounds all so familiar.  Indeed... .

I knew my ex for over two years at work in retail, she was very perfectionistic in her job, and after a year she became my administrative right hand, a job she also learned most quickly and which she also did to perfection.  She even had some of the highest audit scores from the country in our group.  All of the staff and personel liked her a lot, we never saw anything unusual in her behaviour. 

I always had used my rule never to get involved with someone at work, even after I did fall in love with her, I did my very best not to show it, but she finally made the first step.  I knew on that moment that half a year earlier she had decided to get a divorce (and after 4 and a half years this still isn't finalised) and she had just arranged to rent a house for her and her little daughter.

So why the hell would one expect that something like this could happen... .   And as I learned bit by bit the story on her husband, and got it confirmed by others what his behavior was, I wondered for some time if she had some kind of form of the Stockholm syndrome, having sympathy for someone who had treated her like a housekeeping slave and had abused her after all. 

He was even very outraged when I had found out his behavior and confronted him with it, but he did or said absolutely nothing in his own defence on that matter.  Which only confirmed to me that it was correct indeed... .

He was also a pathetic liar, and I found so many lies coming from his side, which I discovered personally, even concerning the manipulation of his own 8 year old daughter towards me !

One of his favourite stories, that he had been the personal cook of the colonel of his army unit, was also discovered to be a lie by some friends of mine, he was psychologically described as highly manipulative in the army, was a driver instead of a cook, and had been kicked out of the army after three months of service, having to do the rest of his army service period in civil service.

So why should one be suspicious ?  The more, as you're talking about hacking, he used one of his friends to hack and my e-mail and both our Facebook accounts, something we found out as he was saying things that only could come from our private messages on FB and from our e-mail.

I'm usually very good in analyzing things and situations, but on this matter I had it completely wrong, the least I can and one can say about it.

Reg

[Nearlybroken]

Sounds so familiar.My ex simply could not let go of his ex wife... . according to him ( whose account I now believe was exaggerated ) she was awful and abusive, controlling and manipulative.His friends and family also told me that she was an awful person.Yet he often bemoaned to me the demise of his marriage and maintained (secret) contact with her.Initially I was everything she was not and this was a great thing for him.Then I fell from the pedestal when I reacted to seeing them together ( he told me they had no contact at all).Once I reacted and told him that I did not feel it was apporopriate for him to jump whenever she snapped her fingers I then became a mirror image of her in his eyes.he continually said  things like " I do not want to run the risk of you turning into her", twisting everything I said and did to turn my behaviours into hers ( and thus me into an evil person ) whilst  increasing the amount of contact he had with her with every passing week.Only recently did he put on Fb pictures of them together taken at a time when he was living with me.Strange really to compare me with someone he hated and who caused him such misery whilst favouring her over me.No logic.

[mitchell16]

wow this sounds just like mine. I counted one weekend how many times he brought her ex husbands names up. In weekend she said his name 9 times. I only started counting becasue I got sick of hearing it and wonder if it was a much as I thought or was i imagining things. Now they have been divorced for 15 years and they do have a child togther who is their 20's but still. But when she wasnt talking about him it was her second ex, that was crazy, drug addict and she was " afraid" of him. always bring up how she was afraid he was just going to pop up or how he had threating to kill her one day or whatever. So yes they never let go of ex. I think its for a recycle if needed and also serves to make us feel insecure. Just my opinon.

[Nearlybroken]

I think you are totally correct in your opinion Mitchell.

[DeRetour]

Reg,

I can relate to what you said about that whole refusal to tell their ex to stop texting. My uBPD Ex would get very upset if I showed any sort of concern or jealousy. "Are you okay?" she'd often ask, looking deeply into my eyes. If I told her "Yes," she'd probe further or just say, "Okay, then we're dropping it." If I dared to say something was bothering me, it could probably escalate into what she'd call a "fight". A "fight" usually included my expressing that I'm upset with her, and her telling me how ridiculous I was being, then raising her voice. A fight pretty much guaranteed that she'd withdraw, sulk, not let me touch her for at least 30 minutes, and sometimes it could mean she wanted to "just go home" and cancel whatever outing we had lined up.

So, needless to say, she got her way. She told me many times she had no feelings for her ex, no attraction for him whatsoever. Over time, I've come to trust this. But, she did a good job of not letting the two of us ever meet. Still, I disliked that he maintained any kind of contact with her.

Here's how it was with my ex: She always kept her phone on silent and locked. A couple of times, just before going to bed, I'd seen the text or call notification indicating that her ex, and a couple of times, some other guy friend who was interested in her from before our time, text or call as late as f***ng 1 am! When I confronted her on this, her response has been: "What does it matter? I'm not interested in [him]?" She couldn't seem to understand that if they're still showing interest it's going to bother me. Yes, I realize some people will say I should have been secure enough for that not to be an issue. But, I still saw this as disrespectful of our relationship. Ah... she just couldn't seem to quite comprehend that. Or, perhaps she was keeping them around as a power thing.

So, yes, that's been my experience with my uBPD Ex-GF not fully letting go of previous people in her life. Prior to her, I'd never had this kind of experience with a partner. This is certainly something I will not miss!

[Reg]

Thanks for all the new replies !  

De Retour mentioned also very similar behavior to what I experienced, the fact that my ex had the same ways with her cell phone, on silent and locked.  As if she didn't want me to know that anyone had been calling or texting her.

And I did get the same explanation from her side... .  They are all so very similar in a curious way.

Nearlybroken, same experiences as well, he was or black or white, recycling happened all the time.

Mitchell16, so right, I had to hear his name also over and over every day, after some time it becomes frustrating indeed.  I think it is just their need to make you feel that they have that person still in their life, and to make it feel like that for them as well... .

Reg

[nyfit1]

Amazing how similar our experiences are. I always believed when u broke up with someone that was it. Maybe u got back together once more but if u broke up again then that was def it. When my exBPDgf said she broke up with her bf 2 years ago I figured that was that. Mind u she still wasn't divorced yet from her husband and she still spoke regularly with the guy she had an emotional affair with the whole time.

Her ex would call her everyday. Say he was gonna pop in. She swore she had no feelings for him but after questioning her over and over for close to 2 years I finally got conflicting stories. In one breath she says she was clear with him that she didn't want to see him and that she was afraid of him cause he's crazy. But then she lets slip that he's a great guy. A lot of fun and that during many of our breaks she hung with him. She said it was better than being alone cause she missed me do much.

Bottom line is she likes having back up. She has contact with exs or family members going all the way back to the 80's . Now I know what breaking up really means to her after we broke up 16 times. That is just insane. 16 times. Once in my life I broke up twice with a woman. After that no contact at all. We will never fully understand what goes on in a BPD persons head.

I'm curious is she will now date this guy again. Especially if I ignore her. It's tough that we both work together. No contact is difficult.