Contacted by ex -- what to do?

[Ahhhh431]

So my exgf and I were advised to go NC by our mutual mentor a month ago as she was confronted for her behavior -- excessive lying, taking advantage of people etc. --- but yesterday at work she called my work phone number and asked me to transfer her to another area of the business. She literally could have called so many different place to get a transfer before the place she knew I was in and would answer... . However when I answered I told her happy birthday and then she began to talk to me -- we ended up talking for 5 hours on the phone .  She basically told me she was sorry for what she did to me, she treated me terrible and that I deserved so much better. She said she was taking therapy and it was opening her eyes. She said she realized that she relied so much on her looks and that guys would only want her for that so she constantly tried to get guys attention that way. She sounded sincere and that she actually had seen the light. One minute though she was so happy that she was confronted and the next she would get mad or sad... . She swung through each emotion as we were on the phone - I would ask her a questions about her sister and she would cry, I would encourage her and she would get super giddy, if we talked about the situation it was anger and almost resentment but she just got silent. She told me she didn't want to give me any false hope about the future but if we were suppose to be together it

Would happen... . Then at the end she said she'd be lying if she didn't have hope. She also asked if I was dating anyone and that if I was in the future please don't tell her. She said she knows she isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship right now but she misses me.

She later texted me at 1am and said thank you for not transferring, it made me so happy to spend time with you. Then this morning she texted "are you doing okay today" -- I'm assuming this was to make sure I didn't get a "false since of hope" even though by what she was saying you could walk away with that.

I'm just trying to make sense of this. It seemed so genuine but I know she can't really be THAT healthy after 5 therapy sessions? She said she is going to go every other week now and that she feels like she is healing and is sorry for using me for emotional needs instead of just wanting me for me.

Do you think this was genuine? What do I do from here?

[Rose Tiger]

The road to healing from BPD is long, can take several years.

You gave her 5 hours of listening.  It can be kind of a high to think, maybe... . maybe it can work out.  What is coming though is the hangover.  She can't be there for you.  She can't meet your needs.  She just isn't capable.

Each contact with an ex is toxic.  Because of the hangover that you'll need to deal with by yourself.  Without her support as the realization hits you again.  This is not a healthy situation for you and contact keeps you sick.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  To let him go.  But, the other option was killing me.  To continue to care so much about someone incapable of caring about me.  I couldn't do it anymore.  The roller coaster of false hope is killer.

[mitchell16]

Ahhhh431, I can only tell you from experience that is how mine always went. She would rage, blame, lie and then break up with me. We would stay apart from anywhere to 3 weeks to 2 months and the led up to getting back togther was her reaching out to me in some form. text, phone call or being at my work and it was always the same thing, She started telling how sad she had been, how she had missed me and how she had been recieveing therapy or going to church, soul searching or whatever and she relized how bad she had treated me and it was all her fault and she now knew how to handle things better. We would get back togther, honeymoon bliss for 3 weeks to 6 weesk range. Then the old behaviors would start back, and then we were right back where we started. she would break up me, silent treatment and start all over again. I do think they mean what they feel at that moment but it WILL go back to the same ole thing. Ive have been involved with my now for over 2 years and Its still the same thing, nothing changed. My best advice would be walk away I know its easier said then done. But if you can find the strength run away. I was gave the same advice over and over, and I didnt listen. Now I have wasted 2.7 years of my life, counteless dollars, energy, sleepless nights, I feel bad about myself, and Im all alone and Im misrable. I do beleive now what everyone on this board has said. It wont improve unless they get in serious long term therapy and you would have better luck at winning the lottery then happening. They will start therapy but based on mine, will never stick with it. and I wasnt the fist relationship she started therapy with. She did with her ex husband, guess what. She quit because in her words " he turned the therapist againt her" when she told me that i should have seen it as a flag but i didnt see it then becasue  didnt have a clue about BPD or about any mental illness.

[Ahhhh431]

The road to healing from BPD is long, can take several years.

You gave her 5 hours of listening.  It can be kind of a high to think, maybe... . maybe it can work out.  What is coming though is the hangover.  She can't be there for you.  She can't meet your needs.  She just isn't capable.

Each contact with an ex is toxic.  Because of the hangover that you'll need to deal with by yourself.  Without her support as the realization hits you again.  This is not a healthy situation for you and contact keeps you sick.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  To let him go.  But, the other option was killing me.  To continue to care so much about someone incapable of caring about me.  I couldn't do it anymore.  The roller coaster of false hope is killer.

She kept saying "I'm so glad to know you don't hate me, I was wondering if you hated me after our meeting" I'm wondering if that call was just to hook me again and make sure I was still available or was genuine at all.

[Rose Tiger]

She needed to self soothe, nothing more than that.  :'(

[draft]

This sounds like she split you white. It's though hard to come to that conclusion from only reading a story. If it is, you should be on a giant pedestal at the moment and treated like a king of kings  . If you have codependent tendencies (like any normal person has), this can be like heroin, you get sucked right in to dependency, the table turns, I guess you can figure out the rest... .

Personally, I've been in that spot many times (sucked in) and eventually I sad "no" and got split black in less the 24H. As I needed to remind myself I'm dealing with a person who has a personality disorder who is in pain; instead of being vengeful I armed myself in advance with a lot of positive support around me and tried to minimize the damage for both of us. Today, I'm very happy I went that route.

[beachgirl009]

I've been no contact since October.  When my ex-fianceBPD is going through a bad time, I still get text messages.  I haven't blocked them for a couple of reasons 1) he changes numbers a lot and 2) in case he ever starts raging at me again, I have something to go to the law with to show the unwanted contact.  

The more time I'm out of this.  The more I realize he is contacting me when he is low so I can make him feel better.  It isn't about me.  It might be about how he realizes how good he had it when he hits his lows, but it still isn't about wanting to be a strong partner in life for me.  

My advice would be to not read too much into it.  As I told my ex - prove to me that you will take the steps to become more stable - show me that it will last more than a few weeks or a couple of months and then we will talk.  It never lasted.  

[Ahhhh431]

This sounds like she split you white. It's though hard to come to that conclusion from only reading a story. If it is, you should be on a giant pedestal at the moment and treated like a king of kings  . If you have codependent tendencies (like any normal person has), this can be like heroin, you get sucked right in to dependency, the table turns, I guess you can figure out the rest... .

Personally, I've been in that spot many times (sucked in) and eventually I sad "no" and got split black in less the 24H. As I needed to remind myself I'm dealing with a person who has a personality disorder who is in pain; instead of being vengeful I armed myself in advance with a lot of positive support around me and tried to minimize the damage for both of us. Today, I'm very happy I went that route.

Definitely seemed like she had me on a pedestal -- basically everything I did in the relationship was right and everything she did was wrong. She basically was seeing herself as the one with the problem therefore in her eyes I seemed to have none. I tried to explain to her that not everything she did was bad in our relationship, that there were many good things she did too and she should not be so hard on herself while moving forward in her healing -- this seemed to endear her to me as she went into her "sweet" voice or I could say "child" voice and told me how great and sweet I was to her. We both decided to go NC for now as we both needed time to continue to heal and that we would leave the door open for the future but we would not plan on it working out, we would just see.

[hanginon]

A431,

I was also split white about two-three months ago until just a few days ago.  I managed to get her off of an initial domestic violence charge reduced to an assault charge against me and she ended up with just anger management classes, (Wed of this week) I hope I don't regret it.

I bought her some clothing items, shoes and swim suit for a vacation with her two older daughters. Although I have been seeking divorce, she is seeking reconciliation, I think because she realizes she doesn't have a lot of options.  She has had a never ending supply of questions or promises that she needs to have answered or sworn to once in a while and as of the last three months I have had none of it. (promising or swearing to something I cannot support or live with later)  To me the reason I won't agree or promise her anything is because I have learned that it is like setting my own trap to be stepped into at a later time. Well, I refused to answer a particular question in regards to divorce and she painted me black, bought a new plane ticket and left. I didn't say anything nasty, only that I wouldn't make her any promises or swear to anything.

Pretty much nc for the last two days, I could be wrong but I think for whatever reason things have changed.

Time will tell.

Good luck with your situation.

Hanginon