Minimizing

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

My uBPDexW frequently minimized my efforts.  I would knock myself out trying to do something to please her, like cooking a big meal for her cousins, which she would brush off later with belittling comments like "It's no big deal" or "What do you want, a medal?"  I found these experiences quite undermining to my self-esteem, not to mention frustrating, as it seemed like I could never do enough for satisfy my BPDexW, which seems a common dynamic in a BPD r/s.

I am wondering whether others may have experienced this minimizing treatment by their BPD SO?  If so, why does it occur?  Is it all part of the bottomless pit of need?

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

[SockMonkey]

lucky jim... . all the time!  I never got a thank you for the dinners I made, the dinners I bought, or the flights I paid for to go see him.  Totally ungrateful.

Worse?  I spent nearly 6k to "move" to a city for the summer to be closer.  Instead, as soon as I got there, (lease signed), he spent 10 days with me & then said his feelings had changed.  But, kept texting, calling, visiting,etc.

It never "dawned" on him, this monumental move or expense on my part.  At first i thought it was entitlement.  Now, I think the BPD just renders them "clueless"... .

[motherof1yearold]

Lucky Jim, have you ever seen or read the power and control wheel?

Minimizing is a big deal.

*Making light of the abuse

*Not taking concerns seriously

I believe this behavior happens often with NONS as well as DV victims, and combination.

[Validation78]

Hey Jim!

I think a lot of it has to do with the shame they feel, and the inability for them to feel good about themselves.

Here you are working so hard to please, and they can't feel good about it, appreciative of the efforts you put forth. Nothing you do will ever be enough to make them feel good because it's not about what you do, it's about their illness. They keep raising the bar, we try to meet the expectations, until we except that we can't.

You're a good guy. You tried to do the right things. Don't stop being who you are. In a healthy relationship, you will be appreciated!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[danley]

Hey Jim!

I think a lot of it has to do with the shame they feel, and the inability for them to feel good about themselves.

Here you are working so hard to please, and they can't feel good about it, appreciative of the efforts you put forth. Nothing you do will ever be enough to make them feel good because it's not about what you do, it's about their illness. They keep raising the bar, we try to meet the expectations, until we except that we can't.

You're a good guy. You tried to do the right things. Don't stop being who you are. In a healthy relationship, you will be appreciated!

Best Wishes,

Val78

I also feel that they feel shame because they don't know how to show the same goodness back. And they feel guilty because they can't humble themselves to show appreciation.

My ex never put anything I did down. But he would get annoyed when i did things for him. He said I was trying to make him feel guilty. Then at times he'd say I was trying too hard. But I felt it was because he felt he couldn't do the same for me. Although I never asked him for anything in return he just felt obligated.

I believe that you've tried to do the right things. You shouldn't stop being that person. IT's so true... . in a healthy relationship,  all your kindness and acts of goodness will be appreciated!

[ObiRedKenobi]

"It's no big deal" or "What do you want, a medal?"

I've heard those more than I care to recall. I've also seen the minimizing of her bad actions.

[Trick1004]

Ya, I think it happens all the time with dealing with a BPD in any kind of relationship.

Mine would always get pissed at me that I never did anything for her. Yet when I wanted to or tried to do something for her she would get pissed at me again usually with saying something like "you just want to hold it over my head, or you're trying to make me feel bad." I think any normal persons jaw would drop if they knew the level of sacrifices and things I did for my ex. 

I haven't read about the wheel of control and power, I'll check it out. But personally it really felt like I was on an emotional merry-go-round with her spinning the damn thing faster and faster. I don't know if anyone has fell or stepped off a physical merry-go-round (it was a usual pass-time when I was growing up, trying to spin that thing so fast with people on it. Kids being kids in the 80's in Idaho. ) But it usually hurt and you were dizzy as hell when you got ejected.

That's kind of the emotional equivalent I had going on with my ex. It wasn't until after I hopped (fell?) off the merry-go-round and stopped trying to make her happy that I was able to gain some perspective. Of course when I did that, she noticed and I believe it was an "uh, oh Trick hopped off" moment for her and that's when she played the break-up card maybe hoping I would hop back on for another ride.

Keep on moving on!

[Blade99d]

My ex BPD was different... . she would always say thank you after we went out, or I made dinner, but honestly I always thought is was because she used it as manipulation.  If she was truly thankful, at some point she would have said honey, you always take me out... . let me pay tonight.  Actions speak louder than words. 

[Clearmind]

Its unlikely a person who feels shameful, helpless and worthless would think to make someone else feel better.

[bpdspell]

My ex BPD was different... . she would always say thank you after we went out, or I made dinner, but honestly I always thought is was because she used it as manipulation.  If she was truly thankful, at some point she would have said honey, you always take me out... . let me pay tonight.  Actions speak louder than words. 

Mine was the same way. He'd say thank you and mimic appreciation but it never felt sincere or genuine and he certainly never returned the favor. His lack of reciprocity was a glaring red flag. So no. He wasn't thankless. Just all words.

My ex only returned favors when he knew it would somehow come back to him.

Spell