Constant Complaining

[Cloudy Days]

Last night I didn't fight with my husband, but I felt miserable anyways. He had went to his Group therapy earlier in the day and when I got home he actually seemed in a decent mood. At some point that ended and he started dwelling on things in his past. I know he has PTSD, so I am thinking that this is the reason why he gets stuck on his past. He started to complain about all his illnesses that he thinks he has. He's been to more doctors than I can count and they really haven't found a lot wrong with him other than Brain damage and mental issues which he is getting help for. Everything else that is wrong with him is unfixable, just sort of something you have to learn how to eat better so you can feel better or stop smoking so he can breath.

I guess what I am asking is should I just let him continue complaining. He literally spent the entire night complaining about his medical problems and his past that had caused them. He wants to keep going to doctors, I've tried to explain to him that what is wrong with him isn't something they can fix. He eventually got irritated with me because I was exhausted from listening to his constant complaining so he said I was being unsupportive. At some point he has to stop going to new doctors. I couldn't even watch TV because he had to tell me a story from his past that I had heard for the 1000th time. I wanted to shut my brain off for awhile, I had a particularly stressful day and I was tired of listening to how miserable he is. Validating doesn't make him stop complaining either. He's not always like this but it bothered me last night.

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[Cloudy Days]

I'm rethinking what I want out of this post. I guess I just want to know how to handle this without it draining me. When I get home from work I need time to just be for awhile. He seems to think it should be therapy time for him to tell me all his problems and everything he is upset about at that moment every moment. I try to validate, I think I spent a lot of time just be silent though and listening to him. Because honestly I don't have anything to say, It's not the first time I've heard any of it. I just want him to sit with me and be at peace. I'm sure he would like that too, to shut it off. I'm not a big talker, He liked that about me at some point when he fell in love with me. I think because I am more emotionally withdrawn than him, so I don't bother him with my issues. But then he uses that to say I'm keeping things from him. I know that he's not trying to be abusive, he's just under a lot of stress and pain. But I feel resentful because I can't be at peace while I am at home, once I went to bed I crashed because I was so mentally exhausted even though all I did was listen to him. I woke up mad at him because I didn't enjoy my night at all.

[Wrongturn1]

I can relate.  My uBPDw has the ability to complain almost constantly... . about our kids, her phantom physical "ailment of the day" on any given day, my parents, her parents, her friends, our neighbors, kids at the neighborhood pool, her computer, the check-out person at the grocery store, people driving in traffic, our house, the weather... . anything and everything and nothing.  Sometimes it feels strange if we're having a conversation where she is not complaining.

We nons have chosen to stay in relationships with people who are mentally ill.  We can't force them to be considerate of us or to listen to reason or polite requests to hold off on complaining to us, so we have to take care of ourselves.  When I need a break from the complaining, I find an excuse to do something alone with or kids, work in the yard, go to the store, etc.  Also, I try to be active in a local hobbyist group that has outings/events at least monthly, so that gives me some break time also.  And I take typically one or two overnight trips out of town for work each month, which can be a nice change of pace.

Are there any convenient "escapes" that you can use to get a break when you need one?

[Wanda]

yep wrongturn is right.

my husband complains about everything, you can do some validating of his feelings letting him know you care, but they have a mental illness and listening is all part of this. like wrongturn1 says when you get drained do something for you, even go somewhere nice take care of yourself... .  

relating to this everyone can, you are not alone.  

for me i work opposite hours i make plans with friends i do what i want to keep busy .

[waverider]

This is one area where I totally fail, I am with my partner virtually 24/7 and this makes up 50% of our conversation, and there is a point where the ability to listen and validate simply runs dry, totally draining.

My partner is currently undergoing Chemo for Breast Cancer so now there is a real ailment to worry about. But with the ingrained hypochondriac behavior it is hard to tell what is real and what is not.

She has taken to forcing herself to stay awake all night, not taking the antipsychotics (as they knock her asleep), so she becomes psychotic with sleep deprivation. Which means drama. She did this last night so i'm going fishing for the day because I simply dont have an answer for it apart from space.

[shamrock]

Cloudy Days

You cannot change him, only he can do that with your help.

Do you have a coffee shop to stop in at on way home? So you can unwind from your day & be in better frame of mind when you get home. Price of daily coffee alone is cheap T

[waverider]

Cloudy Days

You cannot change him, only he can do that with your help.

Do you have a coffee shop to stop in at on way home? So you can unwind from your day & be in better frame of mind when you get home. Price of daily coffee alone is cheap T

I caught 3 fish instead of spending all day trying to validate perceived pains... . Very good T for me. We both felt better for it, rather than just wallowing in pity.

You can't complain if there's no one around to hear it but yourself.!

Sometimes i think complaining expands to fill the listening time available to hear it.

[Chosen]

I get how difficult it is to listen to constant complaining- I have to admit the complaining sometimes drags my mood down!

What I find most important for myself is, I need to be in a stable mood to listen to complaints (usually about me), otherwise I'm at great danger of dysregulating myself, which all of us knows only makes matters much worse.  If he's in a complaining mood and I'm at work, then I usually stay out a bit later before I get back home.  I take a bit of time after work to stablise my own mood (he doesn't have to know).  If I know I'm in a bad mood when I get back home, and don't feel like validating or know it won't help, I sometimes make a scene about how tired I am, I need to get to bed soon, and don't say much.  H won't like it but he can't change the fact that I'm tired... .

I know it sounds sneaky but then we can't really tell them "I can't listen to your complaining tonight", right?

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks for the responses, I guess it's more what he is complaining about that is draining this time. He has been stuck on stuff from his PTSD and describing it in full detail. Now I've heard this stuff already a lot, and I mean a lot. He seems to be stuck on it, He did it on Friday night and even started doing it again on Saturday morning. We ended up fighting because of it. I had to walk away and it did piss him off. This is stuff that happened 10 years ago, I tried to explain to him that his therapist doesn't want him using me as a vent for this stuff. It's not helpful to either of us and at some point he understood that. It didn't stop him from ruining the day though first.

[Chosen]

Cloudy Days,

I think it's common for pwBPDs to keep repeating stuff- it seems as though they have one or more "holes" in their memory which they think "if only it could be mended would make all the problems go away".  Whether it's complaints, grudges, grievances, arguments... . they keep bringing the same problems up unless they are resolved, which all of us know most of the problems in life aren't.  This is why we need to learn how to deal with them when they keep bringing the same things up... .

If he brings his PTSD up again, what do you plan to say next time?

[Grey Kitty]

You can't complain if there's no one around to hear it but yourself.!

Sometimes i think complaining expands to fill the listening time available to hear it.

Sad but true. I've got one old friend that I see seldom (Not normally living in the same town) and she complains so much about everybody and everything in her life that just about everybody except her long-suffering husband has just cut her off and doesn't want to spend any time with her.

And now she complains about how lonely she is... .

[Grey Kitty]

I tried to explain to him that his therapist doesn't want him using me as a vent for this stuff. It's not helpful to either of us and at some point he understood that. It didn't stop him from ruining the day though first.

I'd say that it is fine if you feel good and strong and can validate. If you can't, your job (for yourself!) is to get out of the conversation before it ruins your day!

Try saying something like "I really care about you. I understand how important this is to you. Right now I just can't handle listening to any more of this from you." Possibly followed by "I'm going to XXX instead" with that being whatever you can do to take care of yourself.

This is something like S.E.T. in action... . 'tho I'm not too practiced at it, so a review of that workshop might help you

[shamrock]

I thnk pwBPD have a more than average amount of ptsd because they are looking for a reason why they feel the way they do. Of cource they are not resposible for their feelings, problems.  When they "get on the train" with their thoughts they get a mind of their own.

As for complaining, again they are experts at making "moutains out of mole hills" When my BPDw was at her worst ,if I did not pay visa when it came in, but when it was due, we were going to be living on the street.

[daylily]

Cloudy, maybe you should make a shopping list each day before you go home so you have an excuse to go to the store if he starts in!     Even if we sit there and listen, like you say, it's hard to come up with something to say in response because you've heard the same thing SO.MANY.TIMES.  Then they get upset because it looks like we're not listening or being supportive.  I find myself trying to multitask when this happens - putting away dishes, making a sandwich, folding laundry - because that way I'm not depriving myself of the opportunity to get something done.  But of course there's the accusation that I'm not listening, even if I am.  He's big on "eye contact."  If I'm not looking at him, I must not be listening and I must not care.  Honestly, though, if I were looking at him, the inward eye-roll might make its way outward and that would not have a good result.

I need to be in a stable mood to listen to complaints (usually about me), otherwise I'm at great danger of dysregulating myself, which all of us knows only makes matters much worse. 

YES!  Complaining about other people or other things is annoying, but doesn't send me into a tizzy.  It's the fact that I'm usually inserted into the complaints somewhere that causes me to get out of control.  Either something is my fault, or I "wouldn't understand" what he's complaining about because I'm deficient in some way.

  Daylily

[waverider]

I thnk pwBPD have a more than average amount of ptsd because they are looking for a reason why they feel the way they do. Of cource they are not resposible for their feelings, problems.  When they "get on the train" with their thoughts they get a mind of their own.

As for complaining, again they are experts at making "moutains out of mole hills" When my BPDw was at her worst ,if I did not pay visa when it came in, but when it was due, we were going to be living on the street.

There are two sides to this.

Yes. as you say they do look for excuses and exaggerations, either real and perceived. But Shamrock is also correct in that their behavior and poor executive decisions often puts them in danger of traumatic situations which regular folks just would be better equipped to avoid.

[Cloudy Days]

I think they give people with PTSD regular antidepressants but the actual treatment that works longer term is EMDR therapy. My husband is doing both EMDR and DBT therapy. And while I have seen a difference, he's far from being ok. He's only a year in though.

Since he went to therapy on Monday he has dropped most of the complaints for the last two nights. I was able to enjoy being around him