When you have nothing left to give

[4now]

Oh how things can go from okay to sort of bad in such a quick time frame.

This is probably just a vent, but I guess I am needing support or I wouldn't be posting.

uBPDh has been working a lot this week.  Came home late last night 11. (and yes I do really believe he is working)  I had already gone to bed and wasn't asleep, so we exchanged a few words.  Then he said he'd be to bed in a little bit, which didn't happen.  He suffers from insomnia, so it wasn't all that unusual.  We spoke briefly this am. before he left for work.

Then he called late morning to just chat.  He went into telling me all about what he has going on, how stressful it all is, etc.  I listened.  Then I just didn't know what to say.  It seems like I am ALWAYS listening to what he has to say and he will ask me superficial things ie how was your day, what are your plans today.  But he didn't ask and sometimes I will just tell him what is up, but today I didn't feel like it.  I guess I wanted him to show some interest since we haven't really spoken or spent time together in several days.  Anyway, there was silence and he says well I guess I will let you get back to what you were doing. I said something about how it'd be nice if he was interested in what I have to say.  He didn't like that and said well, I called to get some peace and I can't deal with this.  Of course, typical response. He said this in a few other ways, but it all came down to he was calling because "of me" but in reality it was all about what he wanted to gain from the conversation.  Not to meet some need I might have.  

Ugh... . feeling like it will all always be about him.  I wanted to just tell him not to rely on me for any "needs."  As Lord knows, I don't get my emotional needs met by him whatsoever.  Thankfully, I resisted that urge and I think it has passed.  But what do you do when YOU have nothing left to give THEM?  I mean, I don't have a limitless reserve and I feel like it's just too much to be expected to be there for him when he is not there for me.

He doesn't listen to me, hardly, I certainly can't ask for an emotional need to be met, and lately he has been making a sport of not letting me get what I wanted to say out.  I kid you not, he will interrupt me when I start speaking and do it repeatedly as if it's a joke.  Except he never goes, no seriously what were you trying to say and let me get it out. I am so not laughing!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi 4now

I'm sorry, that must be exhausting. It can certainly be hard to get so little validation back when you feel that you give a lot.

It sounds like it's time for time-outs and boundaries. Remember, boundaries are for you so that you won't get exhausted or worn out or hurt.

How could you take a time-out when he gets going?

What kind of boundary could you put in place and how would you do it? Not to punish him, but to take care of you

[4now]

Scarlet Phoenix,

Thanks for the support.  The thing I was thinking is that I just really don't want him to look to me for his "peace" as he put it.  I mean, I can't or wouldn't look to him for it because I come up empty.  I don't want to shut him down, it's awesome that he wants to tell me about what's going on with him, but I feel just like an object he uses for his own purposes. I know this is kind of how it works with BPD, but I am starting to get resentful.  

I want it to be reciprocal and if it doesn't start to be I want to say something to him about it.  That may be a huge mistake, but I really can't keep doing this. It's as though he wants support and validation from me, but doesn't give it back and then I eventually get depleted and have nothing left for him, my kids or anyone else.  

I would hate to get where I don't listen or act interested with him, but something has got to give.

Any insight or input would be greatly appreciated!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I can see the conflict of wanting to be there for him but also not wanting to feel like an object to be used and never to be replenished. The "starting to get resentful" is a bit of a , though. High time to take care of YOU!

The harsh reality of it is that he is not and might never be able to give you what you need and listen and validate. I know this is hard and the radical acceptance of it will take time to really sink in. Do you have someone else to share with when you need to vent? Like a friend or a family member?

So, let's see... .

A way to lighten the burden on you without him feeling shut down is saying something like "I really love that you share your thoughts with me and I want to talk more about this, but right now I have to [answer an e-mail, take a shower, go for a walk... . ] Then go off and do it. He might get back to the monologue later, he might not. If he starts up again when you come back and you're not up for it, take another time-out in the same way. He probably won't like it a first, because it's a change from the usual routine where he vents all his anxiety on you which is very soothing for him. That's okay. If he complains or rants, just go do what you said you would do. If you're consistent with this, he will accept it after a while that you're not available for venting for hours on end. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Oh, and remember that you're allowed to not wanting to listen to him venting and complaining! Do it if you feel up for it, don't do it if you're tired and don't want to. That doesn't make you a bad person. That makes you a person with healthy boundaries!

I also thought of this quote from another thread, I think it applies to your situation, too. It's about dealing with self-loathing and self-harming, which is not the case with your BPDh, but the essence of it is that the SO with BPD wants their partner to validate and listen:

When my dBPDw starts with self-loathing, I reassure her briefly, but I don't allow myself to stay engaged in her pain. It's tough to do at first, but with practice, it has become much easier. It takes a while to realize that there really is nothing to can do to fill that void for her. When I finally REALLY understood that, it's made it a lot easier. Ironically, from my past experience, continuing to engage in conversations with her of this nature actually made the periods of dysregulation last longer than they do now. I think that is because I don't continue to entertain all of the negativity. I usually disengage by saying something like, "if there is something I can do to help, please let me know," and, basically, I don't listen to much more negativity during that particular episode. Her reaction at first was a bit strong, but she adjusted after a few weeks.

[4now]

Scarlet Phoenix,

Thanks again for the advice and support.  I liked what you had to say.  I guess it never really occurred to me that I could just not listen to him. The thing is, this wasn't really a rant, it was just more a conversation with him telling me about his day, what he had to do, how hard it was going to be, etc which was okay.  Until he was done and then he didn't even say what's up with you?  What do you have today, etc?  When I automatically didn't jump in and start telling him, partly to see if he'd ask me, he said, well, sounds like you are busy, I'll let you get back to what you were doing.  I should have just said, yes, I need to get back to my homework, but I felt like that might make him upset or feeling neglected.  So instead I said something about him not asking me what's up with me and immediately he got upset and said he didn't need that stress. 

The hard part is I feel like we made progress in a way, with him calling and talking, which has been an improvement over how things were say a year ago.  I told him how much I wanted him to keep me in the loop, etc and needed the communication.  I guess I forgot to mention how I need him to listen to me.  So I guess I created my own monster. 

But yes, I think unless things turn around a bit, I don't want to be his sounding board or where he vents but doesn't reciprocate.  This will likely result in us having even less communication, if that is possible.  It's a risky move, but I don't think I can keep up with it all being so one way.  I am just not that person.  I'm sure some people can do it, but not me. 

[4now]

I think that comment about expecting him to be able to give me what I need, the listening and validating, may not be something he can do.  I know that is radical acceptance.  I think I can accept that, and that is where my downfall was this time.  I was trying to make that, what is it, the duck bark?  The dog quack, ?  Anyway, that was it exactly.  When I try to expect him to be something, do something that he can't, I get mad and he gets mad. The thing is, how do you get over feeling the inequality of it all the time?  I guess my ego is all puffed up... . I have also been so terribly negative this week. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

  It's the duck bark. Our board advisor United for Now always says that: trying to get a duck to bark only frustrates you and pisses off the duck.



I've been in your place, I know the feeling of inequality and how it would just frustrate me to no end. But by reading about BPD, participating here on the board and working on my boundaries to be healthier and more in tune with my own needs, the radical acceptance has gradually sunk in. It's a process and it takes time. You'll find more about radical acceptance if you search the boards.

This discussion is great and touches on the inequality of the relationship:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204777.msg12279101#msg12279101

Good luck