How to Overcome the Trauma & Difficulty in Doing Depressing Work

[BPDdaddy]

Hi Guys,

I've been posting here for a while, and the support has been invaluable.  There are two issues that I think I need to address here. 

The first issue is that my soon to be ex wife worked her hardest (name calling, profane raging, false CPS and Family Protective Orders) to tear me down.  While I felt that everything rolled off of my back until the false Family Protective Order, I have recently realized that it may not have.  She has tried to define me as a monster, and while I know that I'm at least a good person, many of the things that she said have taken a toll on my self esteem and I feel anxious, for the first time, when I deal with other people--its like I have suddenly lost the ability to be assertive and think clearly when I deal with others, a clear sign of depression.  I am out at a law school that is probably as far away from my support network as possible and during a time when all the people I know at the law school have left the city.  This isolation factor only seems to compound the breakdown that I am experiencing. 

The second issue is that I had to fall back on an internship that I pursued last summer that had a lot of downtime, and is generally a very depressing atmosphere.  I did this because my son was in the hospital when my interviews for more prestigious internships came up.  Because of this, I am not only pursuing a career that more and more seems like something that I do not want to do for the rest of my life, but I am also not finding any meaning for myself through the work that I am doing as an intern.  When we came here to the law school, the idea was that I would become a lawyer so that our son could have the opportunities that my wife and I never had, and that when all was said and done, I would retire and teach history at a high school--which is what I really wanted to do before our son was born.  I now feel stuck in a career that is depressing, with a lot of downtime at my internship, and am wondering if I should just begin to open up other opportunities by studying for the GRE and doing what I dreamed of (teaching history), get some sort of certification (like in computer networking) to have options if the law doesn't pan out anymore, or just give into the miserable feeling of being stuck in a career that I never really had a shot to study for in stability (she was nuts for 3 out of 4 semesters and this didn't bode well for at least the two most chaotic semesters). 

Before the fall out, I feel like I at least had some stability in family to look forward to after a long day of working towards a profession that I really don't enjoy.  Now that the fallout has occurred, her jabs have taken their toll, and the reasons that I came to law school are likely unattainable, I think it may be good to change trajectory towards an action oriented or people helping type of a career path.  Has anyone else experienced this feeling, and if so, what did they do to overcome it? 

[Forestaken]

Let me get this: You're studying to be a L but prefer to teach H.S. history?  My brother (in non-BPD marriage) loved history but studied to management and is a nasty old man.

My history (so you know where I am coming from) Married 24 yrs to a uBPD+dOCDw. filed for Divorce in 5/2012.  She abused me and the kids (now S23 & D19) physically, emotionally,etc for years.  Finally, after she left for a funeral in her hometown and remained there for almost a year and after I learned she hit her younger sister, I filed.

Question(s): Are you still in the marriage?  How old are the kids?

PS I lived on these boards through my toughest times.

[mamachelle]

BPDdaddy,

It's hard to give educational advice but as my 82 yo dad says-- "if you don't know which way to turn then don't turn."

The self esteem stuff is fairly common but never easy. I ended up leaving my ex BPDH partly because I had gotten as close to my dream job as I could get and he was demeaning me and I knew it was nuts. He wanted me to move across the country to be closer to his family even though they would have still been 8 hours away. Nothing was making sense. So I actually went from looking at going to school to retrain for a health care job so I could move anywhere he wanted--- to staying in my given field (media and advertising) meaning I had to stay in major cities and divorcing him... .

How far are are you in Law School towards your degree?

Have you looked at teaching in private schools? The qualifications are usually less strict right? Pay may be less but it might be a good option. Also have you considered teaching at a community college as an adjunct?

mamachelle

[Cumulus]

Hi Guys,

I've been posting here for a while, and the support has been invaluable.  There are two issues that I think I need to address here. 

-its like I have suddenly lost the ability to be assertive and think clearly when I deal with others, a clear sign of depression.  I am out at a law school that is probably as far away from my support network as possible and during a time when all the people I know at the law school have left the city. 

The second issue is that I had to fall back on an internship that I pursued last summer that had a lot of downtime, and is generally a very depressing atmosphere... . the miserable feeling of being stuck in a career that I never really had a shot to study for in stability (she was nuts for 3 out of 4 semesters and this didn't bode well for at least the two most chaotic semesters).  

Feeling like this and expecting yourself to be able to make a well informed decision about something that will impact the rest of your life? Maybe it's just time to take a break. A wife with BPD, a child sick enough to require hospitalization, an internship that sucks , no wonder it is hard for you to make such an important decision right now. Why don't you give it a little time. Let things settle a bit and then look at the situation when you are well rested. What about getting a good internship next year so you can assess your feelings towards your career choice in a more positive light.